Kiana And Sal's Bizzare RomCom Drabble Collection

KiaSal Drabble 59: Forgotten Memories 4.4 Sexuality

"So what do you want to talk about today, Kiana?" Tayrah, the Oxfordshire brunette, asked with a comforting tone. Her voice carried the heavy British accent, one that made Kiana feel at ease.

This was her tenth therapy session, first without Sal, and yet she didn't feel anxious at all.

"A lot." She replied with a pause. As her fingers tapped the glass table separating the two. The dim light from the bulbs above flashed on Tayrah's face, and she gave a smile.

"Then let's start from what's on your mind right now?"

I think I am in love with Sal Apocalypse. She almost had the urge to spill the beans, but held back. She wasn't here to profess her unsure love for her friend; that wasn't what she wanted answers for. What she wanted to understand was who she was when it came to loving others. Until about two years ago, she was in love with Mei. Kiana thought she would have a life with her, and she even swore she would never like men, but now her very reality is being shattered.

The fragility of her own perception threatened to break, as the new perception brought by the presence of a close person called out for her. Yet the past, one that she so terribly wanted to hold onto, chained her back. She no longer wanted it.

"My sexual orientation..." She managed at last.

Tayrah's lips parted for a second, a surprised expression, though it lasted before the white head could see.

"What about it?" Tayrah asked, treading very carefully. The mystery behind Sal Apocalypse's absence from this session was now making more sense.

Kiana's chest tightened, and she balled her fists. This was it; she had to come out clear. She wanted to cut these chains of self-hatred, guilt and shame.

"I..." Kiana held back. A minute passed, felt like an hour. Her breath hitched, and the contraction within her chest increased until she felt like she could no longer breathe. Yet she had to do it. "I thought I loved a woman... I really did, I was in love with someone..." She paused as she held onto the armrest. "She was a great person, I really wanted a future with her... I really did." She was speaking from her heart, her tone desperate, her mind justifying, trying to prove to herself she was still the same, but her heart ached. Kiana, for the sake of her past self, could not bring herself to betray her present. "But...not anymore."

"Tayrah..." She said after a pause. "There is someone I love...very deeply. I don't think I have ever let someone as close as I have him near me." Her heart echoed as she felt a tingling sensation through her skin. The temperature around her rose as her cheeks flushed. "I can't bear the thought of letting him leave my side. I can't imagine myself walking away from him. But at the same time, I can't see a future with him. I feel like a walking contradiction, a liar, a betrayer and an awful person. But I don't want to feel this way, I want to know, I want to understand, just who I really am."

"Aren't you already doing that, Kiana?" Tayrah's voice cut through her tunnel vision, bringing her mind to the present. She raised her head, confused and relieved as the clutches of the past seemed to slowly dissipate. "You want answers, but you already have that."

Kiana shot a confused look in return, only to earn a brief yet knowing smile.

"You said you loved this person. That you can't bear the thought of him leaving you." She gently reiterated Kiana's words. "It goes to show that, despite your past, you have already come to accept who you really are. And that is something I am very proud to see happen, Kiana."

Kiana could only stare at her. The light in her eyes was slowly returning as her anxiety gradually dissipated. The temperature no longer seemed unbearable, and the fear of guilt returning remained. Taunting her in the back of her mind.