Retreat (A.I.)

43. Distance

---Kelly---

Neither Ashton nor Michael can even look at me. I knew this would happen. What am I going to do? What can I do? Absolutely nothing. That's the part that kills me. There's no undoing the past.

It's been a very uncomfortable, silent drive home. Ashton drops off Mikey first, who gets out without saying a word. Then Ashton drops me off at the apartment. I was hoping that he'd come in so that we could talk, but I guess not. As soon as I get out of the car, he pulls away. I sit down on the curb and start to cry.

I don't even know how long I'm out there, but it's dark out now. Obviously I've been out here crying for quite a while. I can't go inside and face Mali. She'll be as upset as Ashton and Michael. But I have nowhere to go. I'm really stiff as I stand up so I decide to just walk it off.

---Ashton---

I can't sleep. My mind keeps running her testimony over in my head. I switch back and forth between her story about the music store and what she said about what changed her.

"Kelly, your past is not who you are anymore, I know that, Mikey knows that, your parents know that. Nothing you can say, Kelly, can make me love you any less."

There are so many conflicting thoughts in my head right now that just keep bouncing back and forth. Maybe I'll just go for a walk to try to clear my head. I throw on a pair of sweatpants and my shoes and grab a coat, it's getting quite cold at night, and head out the door.

I don't have anywhere in particular to go, I'm just walking.

I didn't want them to go. They've become my rock. I didn't think I could go on without them, but I made them go. It's their dream. Not just Ashton's, but Michael's and Luke's and Calum's. I couldn't let myself be the reason they gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity."

I'm lost in thought when I see her turn the corner towards me. She's walking with her arms wrapped tightly around herself, staring at the ground. Without even thinking, I run up to her. "Kelly? What are you doing out here?" She shrugs her shoulders and looks up at me. Even in the minimal light of the streetlights I can see she's been crying, a lot.

"I just... needed to take a walk." she says, her voice raspy from crying.

"All the way to my house? In heels? Without a coat?" I ask, taking full notice of her appearance.

She just shrugs her shoulders. "I haven't gone home yet." She's been outside walking around in the dark for hours?

"Why?"

"Mali is going to hate me, too." Too? She thinks I hate her? I take off my coat, wrap it around her and guide her back to my house. I take her up to my room and we sit on the edge of my bed. We haven't said a word to each other, so I speak up.

"I don't hate you, babe. I could never hate you. I love you too damn much." She looks up at me, confusion on her face.

"How could you not?"

"Kel, I don't know what I'm feeling right now. But hate is not one of them. Hurt, betrayal, disappointment? Yes. Hate? Never. I have been running the past two days through my head all night. Everything you've said, everything I've said... I don't know what to think, what to do. But I don't hate you."

She starts to cry and I take her in my arms, her head leaning on my chest.

"I couldn't let myself be the reason they gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity."

I know that she'd never do anything like that again, but it still hurts.

---Kelly---