semi-automatic ; j.d

thirty four ; dark days

👑princess mia👑 : can you come over?

yoshua💕 : aren't you in class??

👑princess mia👑 : bad day

this is all josh needs to know before grabbing his car keys and leaving his own apartment to drive to mia's. when he gets there, he finds that she left the door unlocked for him and he makes sure to lock it after walking in.

the apartment is quiet, none of the lights on and the blinds shut. he walks down the hall and enters the last door on the right. this is mia's room.

"babe?" he calls out into the darkness, and his hand reaches up to flicker on the light switch.

mia makes a muffled noise of protest at the sudden light. "off, josh, please."

he hits the switch off. "sorry," josh says and then closes the door. the black solar curtain is pulled over the window, eliminating any possible sunlight from coming on.

without saying anything else, josh kicks his shoes off in front of her bed and then he crawls in beside her. she's facing the wall. "what's wrong, princess?" whispers josh while reaching out to stroke her hair.

mia shrugs.

"hmm?" he persists.

"i don't know."

josh understands that she's not trying to be passive, but that she can't tell him what's wrong because she doesn't even know herself. chemicals in the brain are tricky, and frustrating as hell.

"okay," he replies softly. "that's okay."

without a word, she rolls over onto her other side and lifts his arm before snuggling into his chest.

josh relaxes slightly and circles his arms around her. "did you have a bad night, honey?"

"mhm," nods mia. "couldn't sleep."

"you can sleep now. i'll be here, i'm not going anywhere."

"thank you for coming over," she says. when she texted josh, the message had been deleted four times before she actually sent it. she wasn't sure if she should've asked him to come be with her, just because she wanted to actually feel something. to feel him there with her, his warmth keeping her from feeling completely empty.

"of course. i told you that i'd always be here when you needed me, remember?"

mia remembers, but she doesn't say anything. how is he supposed to actually mean that when he's not even there most of the time? the thought of what she's gonna do when josh is on the road sets in, and she swallows. it's definitely not going to be an easy thing to work over.

"i love you," he tells her, his words filling the void where he feels like they're needed.

"i know."

josh isn't sure how long he listens to mia's quiet breathing before eventually he lulls to sleep from the rhythmic sounds of it.

what he does know, however, is when he finally wakes up mia is out of his arms and rolled back over towards the wall. this makes him frown a bit.

"mia?" he whispers, lifting his hand to rub her back.

she shrugs him off.

josh sighs. "mia it's okay-"

"stop," she insists when he tries to touch her again. her voice is small and broken.

"don't push me away. i wanna help you," he tells her. "i wanna be here for you. 'make sure you're okay."

this time, when josh starts rubbing her back, mia lets him. a silent tear runs from the corner of her eye and she blinks.

she hates the dark days.

and she hates herself for asking josh to come over while all she wants to do is sulk in her bed. it's unfair to him, mia tells herself. unfair that she's being so problematic and stupid. she's never understood why depression hits her like a freight train at the most inopportune of times. it's like her brain was like 'hey, i've been really happy lately. i think it would be fun to completely fuck that up'.

she doesn't want to have days like this. especially not when her days left with josh before he goes back on tour are limited.

"josh?" she asks hesitantly.

his palm rubs circles into her shoulder blade. "yeah, doll?"

"can you spoon me?"

"that's something i never thought i'd here you say," josh cracks a small grin as he moves closer to mia and drapes an arm around her abdomen. after the first time he tried to spoon her and she gave him a five-minute argument on why she didn't like (hated was her specific word) being little spoon, he had figured that it was out of the question.

mia exhales through her nose and closes her eyes.

"is this okay?" questions josh as he takes his girlfriend's hand in his larger one. out of instinct he folds his fingers to fit her spaces.

she settles, relaxing in his arms. "yeah," mia whispers.

he ghosts a kiss on the back of her shoulder, lips brushing against the bare skin where her baggy shirt hangs down.

before mia falls asleep again, she says something. and it's so quiet and small that for a second josh wonders if it's his subconscious speaking to him.

"i love you, too."