semi-automatic ; j.d

fourty nine ; hell's hot for good reasons

josh loves mia's family.

this is probably weird considering the fact that mia, for the time being, is his ex girlfriend.

ugh, god, that sounds so awful.

but as josh sits on the couch beside mia, surrounded by her incredibly friendly family members who are all laughing and talking, he can't help but totally love it.

"tia," whispers a little girl who can't be more than four years old while coming up to mia and poking her leg.

she looks down at her with an amused smile. "si, mi amor?"

the little girl glances shyly over at josh, and then back at her aunt. she makes a gesture for her to lean in closer, and after mia complies, she proceeds to whisper, "is that your boyfriend, tia?"

josh stifles a laugh.

mia, who isn't really sure how to answer that question, pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. "mhm," she hums with a nod and then pulls her niece onto her lap. "are you gonna say hi, lola?"

the little girl looks over at josh with a shy, toothy grin. "hi," she giggles and then hides her face on mia's shoulder.

"i don't know why she's pretending to be shy," says mia with a tsk, poking her niece. "she's usually crazy hyper and running around."

josh shrugs. "s'okay," he responds and then looks down at the adorable little girl. "hi, lola."

she peeks out at him with her big brown eyes and then looks up at mia, tugging on one of her curls. "tia, he has funny hair."

mia laughs and gives the four year old a nod. "yeah, i know."

josh watches mia with her niece, and he finds it really cute how she is with kids.

"se ama, tia?" whispers lola with a giddy smile and a cute laugh.

mia's expression falters. she decides to change the subject. "why don't you go get your dolls and i'll play with you, okay?"

lola squeals excitedly and hops down from mia's lap before running off.

without saying anything, mia gets up from the couch and walks out the front door.

being the only white boy who doesn't know spanish in this house is definitely a set back, josh thinks to himself as he grabs his jacket and pushes himself up to go follow after mia.

"what did she ask you?"

"nothing," replies mia. she's leaning over the railing of the porch with her eyes focused on nothing in particular in front of her.

josh sighs. "c'mon, tell me," he walks over to her and turns around so that his back is against the white railing and he's facing the house.

"it was nothing," she repeats.

"well you're not acting like it was nothing." he glances at mia expectantly, and when she doesn't answer he nudges her. "what'd she say?"

mia finally looks at josh. her eyes catch the porch light and the glossiness of them becomes illuminated. but she promises herself that she won't cry.

"she asked me if i love you."

"oh," responds josh, his words stabbing through the silence like a dart. "do you?"

mia looks away again. "that's a stupid question," she says with a shake of her head, because she's scared of doing this, of letting josh in.

"that's a stupid answer," he shoves his hands in his pockets and waits for mia to say something. just say you love me. that's all i need to hear.

"why'd you even come out here?" mia asks suddenly, looking at him with confusion.

josh shrugs. "everyone goes to church on easter sunday," he replies sarcastically, because she knows exactly why he showed up.

she almost laughs at that. almost.

"plus your family's pretty cool. i think i got your mom's approval."

mia scoffs. "yeah, cause you're a nice guy. i don't usually bring around nice guys." or guys at all, for that matter.

josh nods his head slowly. "ah, right, cause of the daddy issues?"

it's a joke. it's a total joke, and it's one that he's used before to get mia to smile, and it always works.

except for now, when him saying that makes her think of everything that's happened in the last few months, and how her mind still replays the night in the kitchen over and over again like a broken record.

she stares blankly across the street, not saying anything as the world stops around her and her chest tightens. her brown eyes blink slowly, and then she starts crying.

"hey-hey, what's wrong?" josh starts freaking out. he stands up from the railing and goes to pull mia into his arms, to hug her or something.

she pushes him away. "g-go, just go!"

"it was a joke, baby, i--"

"stop calling me that!" mia exclaims loudly. "i can't be with you, josh, j-just go!"

josh does the opposite. despite her fighting against him, he steps forward and wraps his arms around her tightly, like if he lets her out of his embrace then he'll lose her forever. and he holds her against his chest, brushing his fingers through her hair. "shh, shh, it's okay," he coaxes as mia cries against him. he can feel her body shaking.

you're so selfish, mia tells herself as she lets josh hold her. making him deal with this. he doesn't need this. he doesn't need you.

"c'mon, sit down," josh whispers while pulling her over to the porch swing. he gazes at her with concern after sitting down and then brushes his thumb underneath her eyes.

"can you talk to me? tell me what's wrong?"

and so she does.

she tells him everything. she tells him about her stepdad, and about what happened in the kitchen. she tells him how for seventeen minutes, she couldn't breathe. and how she couldn't keep her hands from shaking, even when she got home that night and laid in her bed. she tells him how badly she wished that he was there when she cried herself to sleep. she tells him that she couldn't be with him, because she didn't want him feeling guilty for not being able to be there, and how it hurt her too much to not see him, and that she couldn't be selfish and tell him how she was feeling. she tells him all of this.

and after she says that, when she's finally calmed down and her breathing is even, mia tells him that she does, in fact, love him.

in her perfect scenario, josh would kiss her after she said that. he would kiss her hard and cup her cheeks and promise that he won't let anyone ever hurt her again, and that she's his everything. and he'd tell her that he loves her back. more than anything.

and that's exactly what happens.