semi-automatic ; j.d

ninety four ; winston the babysitter

on new year's eve, mia writes her wedding vows.

it's a mystery how she manages to type on her laptop through the blurry vision from her tears. just like josh told her, she's writing her vows when she misses him the most.

i love you.

that's how mia decides to start them with. it's not like josh needs to be told again that mia, in fact, loves him, but it's an assurance to herself. a reminder that there aren't many constants in her life, yet joshua dun is one of them.

christmas had come and gone like a total blur. josh's mom had invited her over to come eat dinner at the dun house and so she had driven out to the place where her fiancé grew up. it had felt weird seeing josh's old room and josh's old clothes and josh's old memories. everything in the bedroom had told a story, had uncovered a new thing about josh, and yet being there made mia feel farther away from him than she ever had.

it's eleven twenty and mia is crying at the dinner table. at this point her vows aren't even really vows - they're a shout into the dark of how much she loves josh. and with every letter she types on the keyboard of her laptop, she feels her heart hurting even more.

this is pathetic, she tells herself while rubbing her wet cheeks. mia's suddenly spiteful of her earlier choice to put makeup on because she can feel her mascara stinging her eyes.

she should've gone out with zach when he asked her. she should've made plans, she should've just left and went somewhere. anywhere is better than staying in the apartment where she feels incredibly claustrophobic and alone.

it's eleven thirty and the rhythmic sounds of keyboard keys echo like gunshots against mia's ribcage. at one point she starts laughing at herself at the thought of actually reading what she's written to josh. he would think she's absolutely crazy, that's for sure.

mia stops typing when winston the cat rubs up against her shin. without even thinking about it, she bend down towards the floor and scoops up the cat in her arms.

"i'm gonna be honest with you, buddy," mia hiccups, scratching behind winston's soft ears. "i wasn't the biggest cat person when we got you. but i wanted josh to be happy, y'know? cause he does so much for me and i love seeing him smile and getting you definitely made him smile," she laughs sadly, suddenly yearning to see josh's cheeky grin.

"but you're pretty cool as far as cat's go. and i like you a whole lot," mia concludes while winston just stares blankly at her. "i know i'm not your favorite parent, because let's face it. josh is everyone's favorite. but if it makes you feel any better you're my favorite child. cat-child."

winston blinks.

"yeah, i'm glad we had this talk," says mia. she hugs the cat close to her chest and leans back against the back of the wooden chair. after squeezing her eyes shut, a few more tears combined with mascara run down her cheeks.

it's eleven forty and a knock on the door sends mia's stomach into the bottom of her feet. she's certain that she looks like absolute shit, so going to see who's at the door doesn't sound the most appealing to her. but then she hears a voice.

"let me in you latina hoe!"

zach.

still cradling winston the cat, mia pads over to the entrance hallway and let's out a heavy sigh. "go away."