semi-automatic ; j.d

fourty five ; the downfall of us all

mia doesn't talk to zach when she sees him in advanced fiction.

she doesn't talk to luke the doorman on the way of getting her mail.

she doesn't talk to jenna when she comes back from school and finds her sitting at the dining room table, wedding magazines and color swatches laid out everywhere.

and she definitely does not talk to josh when he calls her again.

she does, however, text him after two hours of internal debate and letting a terrible feeling start to eat her alive.

👑princess mia👑 : can you talk?

he replies almost instantly, which only adds onto the immense amount of guilt that she's feeling because she knows he was waiting for her to text him back.

yoshua💕 : definitely

yoshua💕 : i'll facetime you

she wants to tell him no, i can't do what i'm about to do if i have to look at you, but it's too late because she gets the call notification a moment too soon.

so she answers.

josh is in the bathroom of the venue, smearing red around his eyes. he has his phone propped up against the sink as he leans forwards towards the mirror. when he glances down and sees that the call has gone through, he grins broadly. "hi, baby."

"hi," she says back. instead of the usual butterflies that roam in her stomach when she's talking to josh, it's now beadles. "what're you doing?"

"getting ready for the show," answers josh as he looks at himself in the mirror once he's done with his left eye. "it's another sold out one, tonight. ty and i are super pumped. do you like my pants?" he moves back a bit so that his black leather clad legs are in the view.

any other time, mia would start laughing and grin and nod her head. but she just gives him a half-hearted smile. "you look good."

"thanks," he says back. he was expecting a sarcastic comment or at least for her to laugh, so now he wonders if something's wrong. "you okay, doll? you sound sad."

no. i hate myself for what i'm about to do to you. "oh, yeah, i'm okay. but i gotta talk to you about something," mia says. her hands are nervously lacing together in her lap. she's sitting at her desk chair, moving side to side a bit because she's nervous and can't sit still.

josh, who's oblivious to the fact of what she means, simply nods his head. "sure, babe."

she can feel her heart beating. it's rhythm is upset, like it's protesting what she's about to do.

"i don't think this is working," as soon as the words leave her mouth, she feels nauseous.

he scoffs a bit, stifling an unamused laugh while smearing red on his eyelid. "ha ha, very funny. seriously, what's up?"

he's gonna hate you. "i'm not kidding."

josh stares at his phone screen with a look of disbelief. he waits a few seconds to see if she's gonna give away the joke with a smile, but she keeps a neutral expression.

"wait, what?"

"i think we should break up."

his eyes widen with both shock and confusion. "what are you talking about? we - we're doing so good, what's wrong? did i, did i do something?"

mia wants to crawl under a rock and die. she can't believe she's doing this to him, can't believe she's doing it to them. her one perfect thing.

"i'm just not feeling it anymore," she lies. there's this awful feeling consuming her, and the only way to describe it is her entire body is fighting against her, telling her that this isn't right.

"you're not feeling it anymore," repeats josh with a slightly panicked, very much upset exhale. "okay, well, we can work on that."

mia doesn't know how she manages to look at josh when she speaks again. his brown eyes wide and glistening, his bottom lip quivering. he looks scared and painfully sad. "i don't want to work on it. it's not worth it."

josh starts crying.

"how can you say that? i love you," he tells her, his expression heart-breaking. a tear slides down his cheek, mixing red. "i can't lose you, not like this."

"well i don't think we should be together anymore," she says, trying to make it sound like this is easy for her even though every part of her is screaming.

josh uses his sweatshirt sleeves to wipe underneath his eyes, messing up the red. but he doesn't even notice that, not now. "please don't do this. please, mia."

"i'm sorry." this is the first truthful thing mia's told him during this conversation. her own eyes are wet with tears and she starts blinking repeatedly. don't cry.

"there's less than two months left of tour. that's it, baby, and then i'll be back and w-we can see each other as much as you want," he pleads, hoping that he can change her mind. there's this terrible pain in his chest that he already knows is the feeling of his heart breaking. "i promise i'll be better. i-i'll do whatever it takes."

"josh-"

"just don't leave me, please. you're my everything," he pleads, pulling his snapback off and anxiously running his fingers through his hair. it feels like his whole world is crashing down around him, and all he can do is watch. like his words aren't even being heard.

mia swallows the feeling of acid in her throat. "i can't pretend to have feelings that aren't there anymore."

"goddammit!" exclaims josh with frustration. he slams his hands down on the sink. "why are you doing this?! i love you, mia, doesn't that mean anything?"

"no."

he stares at her with shock, and then his voice breaks off into sobs. all he can do is cover his face while it happens.

"josh? what's wrong? are you okay?"

it's tyler.

god, he's gonna hate you, too. and jenna.

mia's shaking hands waver over the mouse pad. "i'm so sorry, josh," she stays, voice barely above a whisper, before finally she ends the call.

-

so um hi

*hands out tissues* here u go fam