Tris is Alive: Aftermath

Chapter 13

Tobias POV

    This is it. The big talk with Tris. Finally my opportunity to say everything I need to say. Why is it that I can't find the words to say? I'm just looking at her in the eyes trying to sort out all of my emotions. Emotions, yes! Let's start with that.

    "The day you died Tris... everything crumbled for me. I lost everything. My best friend, my girlfriend, my rock. Everything turned upside down and I had nothing. No one could do or say anything that could change my mood. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. At first all I felt was pain, everywhere I looked, all I could see was you. Then it turned to numbness, where I was just a body walking. I would have nightmares every night, then to see you I would go in my fear landscape. Just so I could hold you and hear your voice."

    I can hear my voice start to crack, the tears almost coming out. I look away while anger and sadness fill me. I feel so weak about everything, all I can do is cry. That isn't the Four everyone knows, I'm supposed to be strong. But I'm not Four, I'm Tobias. I look back at her and she that she's crying too, I hate causing her pain, I hate seeing her like this. Even though I'm mad at her, I never want to hurt her. She looks at me waiting to continue, I try to control my breathing.

     "All I wanted was you, I prayed every night hoping that I would wake up and you would be next to me. That all of this was some stupid dream or simulation. Every day I was let down and had to face the pain of you gone. Alone. Yeah everyone was hurting but they didn't know you like I knew you, they didn't love you like I do. You we're the first person I could trust... the only person. I would look at the door, thinking you would open the door. I would look into crowds, thinking I would see your face. I went by our old places, thinking you would be there. All I wanted was you to come back."

    She only looks at me and silently cries, she must be letting me get everything off my chest.

    "Like I said, I trusted you. I told you everything about myself. I told you about my past, I showed you my fears, I told you my real name." I can hear the anger in my voice. "I love you Tris, more than I ever thought I could love, you are my rock and best friend. When I found out you were alive, it was all a big shock to me. A lot of confusion as you can tell. Then I found out you we're at the Bureau all this time, you were so close to me and I never knew you were alive. That's what hurt me. You saw I was in pain.... Amar, my friend saw I was in pain... and I still never knew. That's what hurts the most. No... what hurts the most is to see that you moved on!"

    I can't control my anger anymore, I'm yelling now. "Four and Six... what happened to that? I'm in pain, struggling every single day with your death and you're in the Bureau living and moving on. What? Am I not good enough for you? When I proposed did it mean nothing to you?" She starts crying harder now but I'm too far into it to stop, "You moving on broke me.... It broke me even more. How can I trust you? How can we move forward? Tris I love you so much, but all of this torn me down to nothing. I'm not strong like I used to be.... I'm scared. I'm scared all the time. I'm scared you'll disappear. I'm angry at you... but Tris... I can't lose you. Not again. If I lose you again... I honestly don't know what would happen to me. I don't know anymore. Everything is broken."

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