Tris is Alive: Aftermath

Chapter 29

Tobias POV

I can feel my heart racing faster than the Dauntless trains, all the emotions coming back. "What was your thought process?" She starts as I clench my first, I know I can be honest with her but how honest should I be. Can I be vulnerable to someone who might leave me again? I close my eyes, "Everything happened all at once... I woke up and went to you, when you wouldn't open the door I started getting nervous... and that's when I opened the door and realized you weren't there at all." I crack my knuckles and continue, "I thought you left me again... and that's when I lost it." She holds my hand and I try to focus on the present.

"I was so hurt, I couldn't focus, I couldn't hold it together. I know we had our argument but I at least wanted to say goodbye. I was angry and emotional, this isn't me. You know me, I don't get emotional. I don't cry nor do I focus on the pain of life. I keep it inside and learn to live with it. This isn't me... I'm so lost without you Tris but at the same time I don't know what to do with you." I should have stopped talking there but I couldn't hold it in anymore, "I know we've had this conversation so many times that it's old but at the same time I'm not sure you understand how I'm feeling. I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm affected. Do you know how many times I've cried while you were gone? Do you know how many days I just wanted to end it all so I didn't have to deal with this pain anymore?"

I look down, not being able to keep eye contact with her anymore. "I'm so angry at you... for leaving. You didn't have a choice but at the same time you saw everything I went through and let me go through it. I'm trying so hard to just focus on you being here, but anger keeps happening. You left me, you we going to move on, you were living your life. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be happy, I couldn't move on. I thought you were dead, my whole life... the one person I felt comfortable with and the one person I could trust was gone. Damn it Tris I am in love with you, when you left my whole life changed, my future disappeared. And there you were, living and moving on in the Bureau. That's why I'm angry." I realize I've been yelling because of how raw my throat feels, I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a deep breath.

I look at her and see how red her eyes were, she had been crying. I must have been so into my anger I failed to see how Tris was reacting from my words. She lets out a sigh, "Tobias, I can fully understand on why you're angry. I still am not sure how you're with me because honestly I would hate me if I was in your shoes. I know everyone else is mad, even though they were happy when they saw me I can tell they are angry I was gone. That's there we get different views. You all think it was so easy for me to leave, that since I created a life over there that I forgot about you guys and didn't care anymore. You didn't see me suffering, you didn't see me crying, begging to go home. No one even knows the half of what I've been through." Her voice starts cracking as if she's fighting back the tears.

"I can understand why you all are mad... just know you weren't the only ones suffering." She covers her face and starts crying, unable to continue. I pull her in my arms and she keeps crying, I can't help but feel bad about everything. I know I am not looking at the full picture and just focusing on my pain. She gets up and starts walking away from me, I quickly grab her hand, pulling her back to me. "Tobias it's normal to feel weak, I know you say it isn't you but before me you didn't trust people, you didn't love..." I wipe her tears, "You're right, you changed me for the better, allowing me to deal with my emotions rather than ignore them." She wraps her arms around my neck, still crying, "I can't go back Tobias, I need you... I chose you Tobias, I will always choose you." I bring her to me and kiss her, letting all of the pain go away again. Yes, it's going to be hard to repair our relationship but I'm not giving up on it. She chose me, she chose me over everything.

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