Cameron x Nash Short Stories - cash -

Reflection Part Two

A/N- uhm... Yes.

Cameron POV

To say my heart is shattered is putting it lightly. I feel like there's a gaping wound where my heart used to be, the pieces all left with Nash.

I deserve this.

I know I do.

I kept an integral part of me hidden from Nash, I made him believe I was all female. He was so understanding when it came to my little 'quirks', he was so patient and loving.

I was the center of his universe and he did anything to make me happy.

I was going to tell him during our first date, I'm always up front about being transgender, it's not something I'm ashamed of. But something stopped me and then I fell so hard for him, the more time passed the more scared I became of losing him.

I regret it so much. I regret the tangled web of lies that I wove just by not being open to him about myself.

He was going to propose.

I was going to say yes.

Now I'm lying in our bed, alone, I have no one to blame but myself.

I did this.

I'm not giving up on us so easily but I am giving him some space because I know he needs it.

I took a week off of work, I know Nash hasn't told his family because his father was 100% normal with me and his mother is texting me asking how our spa day went and wanting to see my ring.

One of the things that keeps the hope alive is that he never looked at me with disgust. He was hurt, I lied to him for two years. But he admitted that he didn't hate me and I'm hoping against hope that all he needs is time to heal and with that time I'm praying that he forgives me, I'm praying that we can work on things and be together. I don't think I can live without him.

It's not the fact that I'm transgender that hurt him, it's the fact that I kept it from him. He's right, after two years I should have been the one to come clean, he shouldn't have found out the way he did.

I'm a coward, too scared to tell the truth because I was afraid he'd be disgusted and I want to slap myself because maybe if I had told him about it, we wouldn't have had to go through this pain. Maybe we could have worked it out so much easier.

He was shocked, I know he was but I never saw disgust or derision on his face. Maybe he still loves me. I'm praying he still loves me.

I don't leave our apartment for the entire week I'm off, I spend it in bed with my face buried in his clothes. Whenever his scent fades from one I grab another.

He hasn't been back for anything, I know he's at Tez's apartment and I wonder how he's doing, how he's coping.

I'm such a failure, he's the perfect man for me and I couldn't own up to my lie and tell him the truth after things between us became serious. 2 entire years where he supported me completely, he never pressured me to do the things I had told him I was uncomfortable doing. We had sex exactly the way I wanted even though I knew he wanted something different at times.

I miss him.

I miss his smile, his laughter, the way he looked at me with adoration and the cute way he called me 'babe' or 'princess'. I miss our cuddles at night, his belly rubs and our talks about anything and everything. I miss the way he twirled my curls around his finger, the way he kissed me and told me he loved me.

He's my soulmate. I know there's no one else on this planet that could ever replace him in my life.

He is it for me and I fucked it up colossally.