Forget Me Not

Decisions and real feelings

I laid beside Jeff. I've been awake for a while but he's still asleep and clutching to me. Honestly....having time to think about it, I'm really scared of him. Terrified even but I'm also in love with him and I know that because of the feelings I get when I'm with him and these little déjà vu feelings and visions I see. I don't quite have my memory back but I'm okay with that and I think Jeff is learning to expect for the few hours of the time being.

He's chest slowly rose and fell in harmony as his arms were tightly around me in a possessive manor. Which also scared me but made me feel safe. His lips were slightly parted in a relaxed position. I touched my bottom lip with my finger tips as I starred at his mouth remembering when I kissed him a few hours ago and I couldn't help but wonder how many times I kissed him before that. I wondered how he would kiss me, gentle and soft or hungrily and passionately like now.

"Why did I kiss him?" I thought to myself. "Why didn't I do it sooner?" I added. "Why did I do it at all?...." I continued to trace my lips with one hand as I noticed my other hand was against his chest. His heart beat was steady and even making me feel nervous to have my hand there. It felt loud but I could only hear my own heart beat pounding in my ears. My heart beat was rather fast mostly from me being nervous. Admiring Jeff like this made me feel like I was doing something wrong, like I was creeping. I kept replaying what would  happen if he suddenly woke and found me starring at him.

I drew in a slow deep breath and quietly released it. I felt my body relax and I slowly closed my eyes allowing my self to scoot closer to him....if that was even possible. I feel like any closer and I might as well just lay on him. His arms tightened around me giving me a hug before he released his tighter grip, allowing one of his hands to run throw my hair and rub my scalp for a few minutes. I felt him kiss my forehead and then he went still making me think he went back to sleep. His slow breathing confirmed my assumption. I released a shaky breath I wasn't aware I was holding in. As my eyes were closed all I could think about his want he confessed to. Him. My family. Everything.

I imagined him breaking into the house, sneaking up the stairs excited about his actions that were about to take place. Blood....blood everywhere, my mom...my sister...my dad. I imagined the sound of the knife and the glint in his eyes from the pale moonlight. He was trying to hold back an excited laughter. I thought about him walking down the hallway to my room. Heavy foot steps as he dragged the blade on the wall.

Honestly I don't remember what really happened at all but a thousand scenarios played in my mind, each one more gorier than the next, each one more sinister and morbid than anything I could possibly try to imagine. I shook as I shot my eyes open. I was sweating a little bit, my heart was thumping loudly in my ears and I was surprised in didn't wake Jeff.

Jeff...

I dared myself to look at him. He still has his arms around me protectively and his breathing was peaceful making me envy the fact he could sleep so nicely...he didn't seem to worry or even have a care about anything. I finally managed to force myself to avert my eyes upward and take a glance at him. His hair hung loosely in his face make him look cute. His lips were slightly parted still in that relaxed way as his chest rose a fell steadily. He must be really tired.

I tore my gaze away from him with a frown. I grabbed one of his arms and slowly moved it so I could place my hand in his. He stirred awake or...half awake and adjusted himself again before mumbling something like, "are you okay?" I didn't answer but Jeff's eyes were already closed as he was dozing off again. Suddenly his breath hitched as he cleared his throat making in clear he was awake again. "I love you, you know that right?" He said with one eye lazily open. His voice was rough and raspy from not using it in a while. I slowly nodded. "...do you love me?" He bluntly asked now opening to eyes and looked down at me to properly look into my eyes. I was quiet for a minute before answering. "It's not that simple..." I mumbled. "I do want to love you but it's like I don't know you or I know certain things about you..." I answered. He looked down at me still, giving me a blank emotionless stare. "Jeff...if you truly love me like you claim...you will give us time." I added. He quietly sighed before hesitantly nodding. "So what does that mean...can I kiss you, hug you, are we dating or not, what's going on." He asked sincere. I thought about it for a moment. "I-....I don't know." I replied honestly. Jeff was quiet again and so was I. "Well...when you figure it out let me know..." He said a bit irritated as his grip on me loosened. He closed his eyes again. I half frowned. I don't know what I want.... I love Jeff but it's hard right now...I'm just so scared of him and I just....I know.

My eyes watered and I quickly closed my eyes so I wouldn't have tears fall. I bite my bottom lip and tried hard to make a decision. I didn't want to mess this up.