Addicted (OITNB)

12- Loved The Way You Love

WALKING THROUGH THE prison at night gave off a strange and kind of creepy vibe. The usual crowded hallways were completely empty and dark, the only light source coming from the CO's flashlight beside me.

I feel dead inside as I drag my feet along the ground while we walk towards the dorms. During the questioning I had told them the truth- Tricia was going through withdrawals and I found her dead from overdose, not hanging. I doubt they believe me, because Tricia was found with a cord around her neck when I left, but I know I'm not losing my mind completely. I know Pornstache did it. Who else would do it? It all makes sense to me now. All those times Tricia secretly spoke to Pornstache and then seeing him lock her in the closest. It's not brain science.

I stand to the side as I watch the CO unlock the door leading into the dorm. Everyone's asleep right now, since it is past midnight. I'm slightly relieved for that, because the last thing I need right now is everyone turning their attention to me and hearing gossip being thrown around.

"Straight to bed, inmate." The CO tells me quietly so that he doesn't wake the other inmates. I nod and watch him leave through the door, locking it behind him.

I slowly walk towards the end of the room where Tricia and I shared the last two bunks. I can hear the sound of snoring from sleeping inmates and in the dark I can barely see their bodies under their blankets.

Tears threaten to spill as I step into Tricia and I's little area. I take a moment to sit on top of her bed, picking up her pillow and hugging it against my chest. I dig my face into it and take a deep breath in. It smells just like her- sweet.

I slowly lay down on my side, keeping the pillow against my torso and bringing my knees up. My body shakes as I sob quietly, most of the sound muffled by the pillow in my face. My whole body flicks with every bit of grief escaping my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut and hug the pillow tighter.

I accidentally let out a loud whimper and immediately hold my breath. I listen to see if anyone has woken up but all I can hear is the same sound of heavy snoring around me. I release the breath I'm holding heavily, before feeling my heart jolt and more tears come pouring out.

I'm utterly devastated. I really loved Tricia, and I was so excited to start a life with her. I really wanted to see what the future would bring us, even if it was just during our time in prison. I didn't get to kiss her enough, or even just spend time with her enough. She respected me and my choices, such as when I told her I didn't want to go any further and she promised to make my first time special. There aren't a lot of people like that nowadays.

I cry even harder when I realise that the last memory she has is Red rejecting her once again, and her fallout with Nicky. I'll never forget the way she looked and how I hadn't realised she was dead until there was no heartbeat. Her skin was ice cold and as white as paper.

I feel the mattress dip down a little but I don't look up even when I know someone's in the bed with me. She climbs over me so that she is between me and the wall. I immediately know who it is when I feel hair tickle my neck before a soft kiss is placed under my jaw.

Nicky pulls her face away from my jaw but still hovers her face over my head. "Hey, you okay?" She whispers and I grunt in response. I get goosebumps when I feel her gently move my hair off my neck. It's comforting, something I'm longing right now.

She gets comfortable next to me, her body pressed against my back and her arm tucked under mine.

"Sh, sh." Nicky coos when I moan in sadness into the pillow. I take a few deep breaths in before feeling myself calm down a bit and eventually the tears subside.