Addicted (OITNB)

39- Little Chihuahua

IT IS AWKWARD the first time I reunite with the others, as the last time I sat with them, they sided with Nicky, I got insulted and received death glares as well. I am still iffy about Boo, since she was the one who had hurt my feelings the most out of all of them. Morello, I could easily forgive as I understand how close she was to Nicky, and if I were her then I'd side with her too.

At first, no one spoke at all. Everyone just quietly ate, and at one point Nicky cracked a joke but the laughter ended as quickly as it started.

I found myself glancing Millie's way every chance that I got, and it didn't help that she was practically right in front of my eyes, a few tables back. She sat with the oldies, appearing to be holding back tears as she jabs at her food with a fork.

I still couldn't wrap my head around what she had done, as well as what I had done. I was supposed to be her protecter, something that I signed up for when Jocelyn left us. Instead, I've found myself being the one that hurts her.

She was my best friend. Was. And that fact could never be taken away.

Maybe I've gotten enough revenge on her? Like Nicky had said, this isn't forever. I'm young and I'll still be young when I get out of here. And I'm not a murderer. It was all in defence and everyone knows that. Well, thinks that.

I don't want to forgive her, but I just might have to. Especially when I watch an inmate I've never seen before confront her table, leaning against it and vigorously flicking her head side to side as if she was scolding her.

I tense up as I watch little me look completely caught off guard and hopeless. I don't know what Millie has done to annoy this inmate, but I can easily assume that she has let her homophobic ways get in the way again.

"Say it again, bitch. Say it again!" The inmate claps her hands with every word she yells, her face just inches away from Millie's.

I'm scared for her, especially when I'm seeing how angry this inmate is.

I glance at Nicky, who also appears to be watching with a wary look.

I see Millie's lips move, appearing to be saying something. I cringe, knowing that this is not about to end well.

The inmate proceeds to slap her hand against the back of Millie's head so hard that it nearly gives her whiplash.

I can't stop myself from rising from the seat and running over, just before Nicky can stop me.

"Don't touch her every again." I say with the same amount of anger as her. I can hear Millie sniffle, obviously sick of being beaten.

"Who are you? Her mom?" The inmate asks, stepping towards me.

"Her sister." I correct.

She appears amused by this, looking me up and down.

"I've seen you around. Aren't you a lesbian or somethin'?"

"Yeah. And?" I try not to look at Millie. She knows I'm a lesbian, but it's strange for me to admit it without it being admitted during an argument.

"Your sister here called my girl and I 'sick' when we were kissing." I internally sigh, finally looking at Millie with an unimpressed look.

"Say sorry." I say and Millie frowns, sitting up straight.

"What?"

"You hear me. Say you're sorry." I know it sounds ridiculous but the inmate seems to want the apology, as she crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow at Millie.

After several seconds of silence, Millie finally gives in. "I'm sorry."

The inmate scoffs, smiling. She walks away without another word, leaving just Millie and I.

"I actually meant the sorry to you, not her." Millie says before I can walk away as well.

"It's not that easy to forgive you." I say, avoiding eye contact.

"I know, and that's why I don't expect you to straight away. I don't care how long it takes, I just want you to know that I am."

"Well, you obviously still haven't changed your mind about..." I nudge my head towards the inmate who was attacked for her sexuality by my sister.

Millie sighs. "I can't help how I feel, Evie."

"Neither can I." I can argue about this all day, and Millie knows that. So instead she just closes her eyes and inhales deeply, as if trying to stop herself from bursting out.

"Touché."

"And I'll never change myself for anyone. You know that, right?"

Millie furrows her eyebrows, as if this was news to her.

"I think you just haven't found the right man yet, Eves." Millie says and I roll my eyes so hard it gives me a headache. Looks like Millie won't change either.

"Bye." I turn around to walk back to my table but Millie stands up, chasing after me.

"Your options are limited here, that's why you've turned to girls!" Millie says frantically and I can't ignore her.

"I've always been turned to girls!" I say, my face inches away from Millie's.

Millie shakes her head in disapproval.

"You don't know what you're missing out on." She says and I burst out laughing.

"No, you don't know what you're missing out on. Have you ever tried vagina? No? Do you want to? No? Well, same goes for me. I don't want dick and I'll never want dick! Now, get out of my face."

To my relief, Millie doesn't continue to follow. Looks like I'm not forgiving her anytime soon after all.

When I sit back down, I'm shaking with anger. I should be used to the homophobic words Millie speaks by now, but it seems like I'm only getting madder and madder the more she talks, especially when I'm so sure of myself. Yes, back then I was a bit more wary, but now that I've been in love with two girls, I know for sure it's not confusion. It's real.

"Aw, you're like a little chihuahua when you're angry." Nicky chuckles, pinching my cheek. I can't help but smile through my anger.