Addicted (OITNB)

32- Controlling And A Little Annoying

I HOPED THAT a steamy hot shower would help me feel a bit more relaxed, but the hot water is completely out and I'm now showering in the freezing cold.

I grab my shaver, staring at the razor inside. It's a new one, never been used. It's shining in the light, appealing to my puffy eyes even more. But I can't do it just yet. Not right now. Not when there are so many people going in and out of the bathrooms. They would most likely hear my cries, or see my blood run across the floor.

I turn off the tap and wrap a towel around my body. I walk over to the mirror and stare at my reflection. It never hit me how ugly I really was. Millie was definitely the prettier sister. No wonder I'm so easily unloved.

I dry myself off and put on a grey dress since it was nearly time to go to sleep. I completely dreaded it, and even though I told Nicky she wouldn't see me again, I just have to see her one last time so that I know if she really means it or not.

When I arrive in the dorms, everyone is already getting in bed. The lights are off but a CO sits in the booth, waiting for everyone to fall asleep. He seems distracted by a magazine, so I walk over to Nicky and Morello's area. Morello looks highly uncomfortable with my presence as she stops applying moisturiser to her arm, which adds to the feeling of being unwanted.

Nicky doesn't look at me as she sits on her bed, staring at the ground with her eyebrows furrowed.

"Nicky?"

"Fuck off." She says, but not loudly to my relief.

"Nicky I'm so sorry, I'll never touch your things again." I sound so desperate but it doesn't matter to Nicky.

"They cost me everything I had in here. Outside, people would of paid big bucks for just a table spoon amount. And for it to be thrown away like that." She laughs and shakes her head, but I know she's not actually amused.

"I can't even look at you right now." She adds.

My heart shatters even more. "I-I don't know what to do to make you forgive me." I stammer.

"Nothing. You can't do anything because I'll never forgive you."

Suddenly, I am struck with anger and new-found confidence. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I exclaim. "After all I've forgiven you for?"

Nicky closes her eyes, still not looking in my direction.

"You chose to forgive me. I didn't make you. And I can't believe you would touch my things like that. No one has ever done that, and you especially don't get to do that. Get out of here."

I look at Morello, expecting her to react the same way as me. However; she just looks neutral.

"You should go." She says and I'm taken aback by the side she has chosen. The accent that once comforted me now hurt me.

"Okay. So that's it then. It's all over." I say monotone.

"How many more times do I have to tell you? Yes! You don't get away with shit like this."

"Get out of here, Evie. I'm serious." Morello is sounding more aggressive every second.

I take one last look at Nicky, knowing that this is most likely the last time I lay eyes on her. There is no doubt I am disappointed, just before our relationship became amazing. As I walk towards my own bed, I make eye contact with Alex. None of us react to each other, and I'm the first to break the stare. I can't believe she would tell Nicky like that. I would never tell if she was the one who did that. It's easy to just say that some other inmate took it, as it wasn't even the best hiding spot out there and I'm surprised it even lasted that long without being discovered by someone else.