Addicted (OITNB)

60- It's Called Morals

SNOW'S BLOOD REMAINS on my skin, even when I am thrown into the SHU, which is well deserved.

I am quivering, enraged with myself for acting that way and nearly killing Snow, not to mention how stupid I had been to trust a random CO to do me a favor.

I can't stand anymore and sit down against the door, crossing my legs. I close my eyes, trying to empty my mind but the image of Snow's almost-dying moment floods my head. I can't get away from it.

"Stupid, stupid," I smack my palm against my forehead, hoping self-inflicted pain would distract me from my memories.

I hear the door leading to the SHU open and I scurry to my feet, peering through the gap in the door, hoping it is Mr Caputo to assure me that Snow will be okay.

But it's not Mr Caputo. It's not even close to him.

I have to stare for a long time while my brain processes what I am seeing. Nicky pushing a cart full of cleaning supplies. She doesn't see me, and enters the cell right across from me.

"Nicky!" I call, sudden euphoria flooding my body.

Nicky turns around in confusion until she peers down at the gap in the middle of the door across from her.

I force my hand through the gap and reach out to her in desperation. She looks shocked and drops the mop in her hand before running over. I grab her before she even has the chance to kneel.

"Holy shit," she whispers, reaching out to hold my face.

"I've missed you. I've missed you so much." I sob, my body trembling even more.

"Sh," Nicky glances around to make sure we are alone, "it's okay. I've missed you too."

She leans forward and our lips meet through the open space in the door. I taste my tears trickle down and into the kiss.

"When are you coming back?" I ask as soon as we pull apart.

Nicky's features seem to soften even further and I suddenly feel a pain in my gut as I prepare for the worst.

"Evie, I-"

"You're coming back. You're coming back soon, aren't you?" The panic is evident in my tone.

Nicky sways a little. "No, I won't be." She says and I can see how much it hurts her to say it. As much as it hurts me.

My chest tightens. "W-What?" I become frozen, unable to move my hands to let go of her, or to tighten my grip.

"I belong here, Evie. I belong in max."

"N-No, you don't." I almost laugh. "You belong at Litchfield, with your family. With me." I sound like a maniac right now but I can't help it. What she is saying right now has to be a joke.

"Evie-"

"No, Nicky. You're coming back. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but you are coming back. Okay?" I say angrily.

Nicky frowns before shaking her head side to side. "No, I'm not. I'm sorry." I feel myself losing her under my touch and I wrap my fingers around her flesh.

"Nicky, please." I say sternly, barely keeping together.

As she stands, she forces my fingers off of her and then walks back to her cart. She pushes it until they are both out of my line of vision, no matter how hard I cry or how much I scream for her to come back.