Addicted (OITNB)

57- My Best

EVERYDAY WAS GETTING harder and I didn't want to admit it. I kept telling myself that I was fine, that everything was fine, but in reality nothing was fine now and nothing would be fine in the future - once I'm out of here.

I haven't slept in days. Maybe an hour the most. But I don't care anymore, if sleep deprivation kills me then so be it.

I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. Nor can I get out of bed.

I can hear movement all around me as everyone begins getting ready for breakfast. All I can do is stare at the ceiling, wondering why I'm still alive. Trying to think of the point.

"Evie, come on." I hear Snow say as he walks over to my bed. I don't budge.

He feels my face and then gently presses two fingers against my neck, making sure I'm still alive. Unfortunately I am.

"Evie, you have to get up." He says sternly.

I move my head a little to the side to look at him. He's frowning.

"I think I'm dying." I say, smiling uncontrollably.

Snow looks horrified. "I'm getting a nurse-"

"No," I reach out from under the blanket and grab his hand. "Let me."

Snow crouches down next to me, his lips in a firm line. "I am not going to let my best friend die." He says, his voice shaky as if he is about to cry.

Suddenly I'm wide awake. I sit up, staring at him.

"You ruined it." I say as I throw the blanket off me and get out of bed, clearly disappointed.

"What?" Snow's jaw drops. "You actually want to die?"

I bend down and pick up my grey jumper off the floor. I pull it over my head.

"Is this about Nicky?"

"No, for fucks sake, why does everything have to revolve around her?!" I yell in frustration. Snow puts his hands up in defence.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry but you only ever want to die when something happens between you and Nicky."

I narrow my eyes at him. "What, so you're saying that I'm just doing this for attention?" I step towards him. "If I was doing this for attention, then why would I do this to myself?" I pull up my jumper sleeve, exposing the long vertical scar that nearly killed me.

As he stares at it, I can see the heartbreak on his face.

I continue. "Does it ever occur to you that I want to die because my life has gone to shit? That I won't be out of prison until I'm twenty-eight and then what, I'll be working at a diner for the rest of my life? Because I've lost everything I've worked for?" I can feel my heart racing, I'm revved up.

"I-I know, I'm sorry." He pinches between his eyes. "Like I said, I just don't want to lose you."

"Well, you'll have to lose me eventually, so don't get too attached." Like I lost Tricia and Nicky. By getting too attached.

"Evie, don't be like this-"

"I'm going to breakfast now." I tie my hair up in a small low ponytail.

"Evie-"

I speak too quickly and my voice doesn't have the chance to catch up with my thoughts. "Don't-" I lower my voice. "Don't follow me, okay?" I don't wait for his response and rush out the door.

When I reach the cafeteria, I realize that I'm late and everyone is already sitting down and eating. At least I don't have to wait in a line.