Addicted (OITNB)

48+49- Mija

"FURLOUGH?" MR CAPUTO repeats as if he is trying to see how the word tastes coming from his own mouth.

"Please," I beg, "I need to go to her funeral. I need to show that I care and that I'm sorry." I'm desperate but not for the reasons I am saying. I just need to get out of this prison. I need to get away from everyone. The only person I find myself tolerating lately is Nicky. But I don't deserve her. She is constantly dealing with my own problems.

"Is this about what happened this afternoon-"

I feel painful embarrassment by the reminder. "No!"

"Because I can imagine how embarrassed you are feeling but I just want you to know that it is normal to throw up. It is a natural bodily function. Nothing to be ashamed about, although I will admit, it was a bit unfortunate to happen so sudden-"

Oh God. "My mom is dead! I just want to go to her funeral." I stammer out of nerves.

Caputo sighs, leaning back on his chair and threading his fingers between each other. "We aren't very big on furlough..." His voice slowly fades away as he notices my face. A look of despair. He sighs again. "I'll see what I can do."

I am about to thank him profusely but he stops me by cutting me off. "But," he emphasises, "that doesn't mean you've got it. It isn't exactly up to me. I won't be able to find out until the next two days or so."

Something inside of me tells me that I will get it. I know Caputo has his ways, and I'm sure he would rather see me out of here for a few days than have me in his office for a different problem every hour.

"I appreciate that. Thank you, Mr Caputo." I stand up to leave, tucking in my chair under the desk.

"Stay out of trouble, Connor."

I am too distracted by him to realize that I am about to bump into someone as soon as I open the office door. Luckily, none of us go flying but I am not going to be apologizing until I see who it is.

"Shit, I'm sorry." I tell Gloria, who stares at me with narrow eyes.

"You're lucky I wasn't carrying anything." She growls, and I notice her eyes glance at the floor. I follow her gaze and realize it is the suicide note written to me from Jocelyn. It must have fallen out of the side pocket on my pants, most likely because I hadn't put it in properly.

I am about to lean down and pick up when Gloria beats me to it, and although I was calm about it when I saw the note on the floor I could barely contain myself now that her hands were on it.

"No, wait-"

"What's this? Love note?" She begins unfolding it and I break a sweat. If it wasn't Gloria, I would have pounced.

"No, nothing like that." I mutter, giving up and letting her read it. What's the worst that could happen? She can't do anything about it. And it's none of her business anyway.

"Sure sounds like one." She says as I watch her dark eyes run down the paper.

As painful seconds pass, her facial features grow softer and her frown lines disappear. I bite my lips, not sure where to look. I don't want to hear what she has to say. I don't want her sympathy.

"Shit." She says after a long silence.

"Yeah." I nod, memories of Jocelyn's words returning to me. Does this make me a murderer? An actual murderer? I don't know, but to Jocelyn it seems like it.