Addicted (OITNB)

47- Good Bad

I LET THE water scald me as I stand under the shower head, facing the urine-colored tiles on the wall. I was confused about how I felt. The note hurt me at the time of reading it but at the same time I felt disconnected from my emotions.

It almost felt like I didn't care that my mother was dead anymore. I felt like I could go on with my life as if nothing happened.

This makes me feel evil. In addition to the fact that I drove my own mother to commit suicide, not caring was even worse.

I rub my hand over my shoulder to wash off the soap. My skin was turning red, and I quickly turned around before Nicky would notice.

"Nicky, can you go away? I'm not going to do anything."

Nicky pulls the curtain to the side, revealing herself wrapped in a white towel.

"First of all, that water is way too hot." She reaches into the stall and turns the cold water on. Steam fills up the small area.

I roll my eyes. "I'm just trying to make the most of the hot water, you know, before everyone else uses it up."

"I'm not stupid. I know how this shit works. You will find any possible way to hurt yourself, no matter what it is."

I reach for the curtain but Nicky won't let me pull it across. She looks at me with concern, hands on either side of the stall, blocking me from exiting.

"I'm done with that. Especially after-"

"Evie, you haven't cried." Nicky says with sadness in her tone.

I feel my throat clench, indicating that I would soon. 

"So?"

"So, you're numb. When you're numb you do dangerous shit."

My eyebrows draw together. "Or maybe I'm not upset?" I want to leave the stall but Nicky will stop me. I am starting to feel overheated. The hot water definitely did not help.

"I know you. You have a big heart. Of course you're upset. And no offence, but I'd be upset too if I was told the things you were."

"Thanks." I reply sarcastically, walking towards Nicky's outspread arm, hoping to be able to push it away. However, Nicky wraps her both her arms around me and pushes me back into the stall.

"Nicky, stop." I warn, staring at her with shaky lips.

"You need to cry, Evie. It's not good for you to walk around, pretending that never happened. Because soon it will catch up to you and then who knows what you will do."

I am about to break but in a few seconds I recollect myself and the tears dry up before they even have the chance to fall. Nicky appears to have lost hope and steps to the side, granting me escape.

I FEEL A tall and blonde presence in front of me but I don't avert my gaze from my green beans until that person has fully sat down. 

"Hi." Piper says, the smile she is wearing symbolising "I'm sorry for your loss but I don't know how to bring it up".

I accidentally glare at her as I look up, and immediately soften my features.