Addicted (OITNB)

34- Bathing In Your Own Negativity

SIX DAYS LATER and I'm released from the hospital where I felt the most comfortable in a long time. Having Millie by my side non-stop for those six days has truly given me a better look at life, and has made up for all the times that she could not visit.

A small part of me was grateful that I did not die because seeing how devastated Millie was knowing about what I did broke my heart. However, a larger part of me was frustrated with the fact that I was still alive when I was very well a goner.

Everyone in Litchfield knew what I had done. Word had gotten around and it didn't help that I had bandaged wrists. My cut up hand was healing nicely, but my wrists were a different story. The stitches were too tight and hurt every time I moved my hands as it would tug at the skin. I could barely lift my plastic cutlery to eat food at dinner.

Ryder sat across from me, watching me struggle to load my spoon with rice. As I slowly lifted my hand, I winced at the pain and the rice immediately spilled off the fork.

"You need any help with that?" He asks.

"No." I reply rudely, glaring at him. I was in a terrible mood because he wouldn't let me sit with Poussey who had kindly invited me over. He wouldn't even let Poussey sit with us instead.

"Look, I'm sorry but I need to follow the rules. No communication with other inmates until you have a more positive headspace." He quotes.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "You do realize how ridiculous that sounds, don't you?" It doesn't make sense at all- if I was depressed, it would be better for me to engage in more social activities, not bathe in my own negativity all alone.

Ryder thought for a few seconds. "Yeah. But I didn't come up with the rule."

I don't dare to look past Ryder's head because I don't want anything to do with Nicky or the others right now.

"I'm sorry but I really need to talk to you." I look up at Poussey who sits down next to me, ignoring Ryder's scolding.

"Evie, you don't understand how terrible I feel. I should have known something was wrong... I should of helped you instead of just asking if you were okay." Poussey says and I look around uncomfortably. I didn't expect this. It's so obvious what she's talking to me about to the other inmates as she's standing instead of sitting down.

"I had a feeling your smile was fake. But I just never imagined you would go far enough to-"

"Woman, if you don't get out of here I'm giving you a shot." Ryder tries to threaten but he doesn't sound intimidating at all, and Poussey glares at him.

I quickly try to wrap it up. "P, it's not your fault at all. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me." I squeeze her hand and she smiles.

"Okay. I'll see you around, okay? And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me." Poussey quickly scurries off before Ryder threatens to get out his book.

"How's Millie doing?" I ask as I awkwardly shove a spoonful of rice into my mouth successfully.

"I wouldn't know. After all, she's been spending every minute at the hospital with you."

I lean forward, staring at him directly in the eyes. "She is deadly allergic to nuts and shellfish, and absolutely despises the color orange."

"This is actually very important information. Especially the color one. Thank you." I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.