A Glimpse of Forever

June 2011 - Disagreement

Chapter 6

June 2011 - Disagreement

Going over exactly what I was planning on saying in my head, I was still only 60% sure about this plan, maybe 54% sure. Every time I went to the door, my confidence would walk out but I would not follow. So many different things were happening. My head was like LOGIC, YOU HAVE IT, USE IT. Then, at the same time my heart was like DO IT, DO IT, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO, JUST DO IT. It seemed as though no matter the mental war that took place inside my body, my feet still refused to move any closer to my destination.

It appeared as though the universe had different strategies in mind because my destination had just arrived at my door. As I opened the door to reveal Ryan, I suddenly lost all oxygen traveling in and out of my lungs.

“Hey, Melly. I was sitting at home alone and I thought, Amelia might be home alone also and so here I am, to see if you wanted someone to keep you company”

What to do, what to do….? “Sure, come in”

Just as if it were any other day, he walked straight to my fridge to take all my food. He definitely knew how to make himself at home. I was contemplating whether or not this would be the time to start up the conversation. Do I wait for him to speak first or do I just jump straight to the point? AARGH! Where the heck is Sophie when I need her?

Ryan made his way to my couch, I watched as his body sunk into the cushion, “So, Melly-face! What’s been happening? Anything interesting happen lately?”

What had been happening lately? I had been so worked up about how I was going to casually bring up the fact that I had a ‘more-then-friends’ kind of emotion for him that I kind have ignored other things. This was unhealthy and something needed to be done because I need to get back to reality and quickly…. “Well, if you must know, I have been thinking, a lot”

“Wow, that’s so unlike you….”

“I’m being serious. Without joking about it or making some sarcastic remark, I have been thinking but not like I usually do….?”

“Oh, okay. Sorry. Did you want to talk about it?”

No, I wanted to continue to ignore everything and deny it all, “Yeah, I would like to talk about it actually. I think it’s good to talk about things. Open up and share personal details about one’s self every now and then. You know?”

“Um, maybe”

“So, let me ask you a question first”

“Okay then, ask away”

“What would you do if you were put in a difficult situation that involved other people?”

“Wow, Mel. That’s an intense sort of question. I don’t know. It depends on the situation and the people who were involved”

“Yes. Exactly. Would you be upset or something if you were one of the people involved in such a situation? The situation being, you know, emotional?”

“Well, again, it depends on the situation. There are different kinds of emotional. I wouldn’t want to cause someone emotional distress”

“Right….”

“What is this all about?”

This was it. I couldn’t stall any longer. It was now or never. I would prefer later but you get what you’re given and I’ve been given now, “Ryan, I have something I need to tell you, for the sake of our friendship and for the sake of my well-being”

I sat down next to him on the couch as he nodded in reply to the conversation. He did look a little confused and I would too if some crazy person, like myself, were talking to me like this.

“Okay, I have tried to think up the perfect way to say this and I haven’t really said it out loud to anyone so this is like double the pressure. Spending time, a lot of time, with a certain person in my life has created these…feelings”

I had to make sure that he was following, pausing for effort and what not. He clearly hadn’t caught on to the fact that I was talking about him.

“Well, I’ve felt this way about this person for a while and I don’t really know what I want to happen or why I’m telling you but keeping it to myself has been a challenge and not the good kind. Do you know what I’m saying?”

“That you like someone and it’s been hard, yeah?”

“Yeah, exactly. That’s exactly what I am saying. But, the thing is, because of who this person is to me, it makes things….difficult. I can’t explain it but it just is”

“Well, who is this person? Maybe it isn’t as hard as you are making out like it is. You do tend to over-react sometimes, being the Drama Queen you are”

“Well, this person is close to me….”

He was nodding, waiting for me to continue but I meant that he was literally close to me, like sitting next to me kind of close to me, “No, Ryan. They are close to me, right now”

I could see his face drop and this surprised look make its way across it. I don’t understand exactly what happened or why it happened like this but you know, it happened.

“Are you serious? You are talking about me?”

He sounded so angry, like I had just insulted his mother or something. He got to his feet and started pacing like a mad man. I didn’t know what to say or how to react to his reaction.

“Why couldn’t you be a normal person and just keep it a secret. Not share your feelings. God!”

Wow, this was unexpected….

“Why would you tell me? What were you thinking? What could have possibly made you want to tell me?”

This whole thing seemed like a bit of an over-reaction, and he said that I was the Drama Queen, “Ryan, I would suggest you calm down a little bit….”

“Why should I calm down? Why would you do something stupid like this?”

“Oh geese, don’t spare my feelings or anything”

“I have to go, bye!”

Then he just stormed off in a huff. No explanation or anything. I don’t understand why he blew up the whole situation. I didn’t think that it was such a big deal but hey, he obviously saw it differently than I did.