His And Her Circumstances (To Be Edited)

Pain

Pain

Seymour's POV

I looked at the night sky and the city lights in front of me. I took a deep breath and slowly released it. Naglakad ako patungo sa isang silya, shed my coat and put it there.

Tumunog ang cellphone ko na nagpabalikwas sa'kin. Dinukot ko 'yon mula sa bulsa ng pantalon at sinagot ang tawag ni Shyne.

["Kuya, may balak ka pa bang umuwi?"] she asked worriedly from the other line.

"No." Walang pagaalinlangang sagot ko habang niluluwagan ang neck tie.

No. Hindi ko kayang umuwi and then what? Remember all the good things we had in my house? Kada sulok doon na puntahan ko ay pinapaalala lang sa'kin ang magandang panaginip ko kasama siya. I couln't afford to do that cause I might as well lose my mind.

["Nag-aalala na sa'yo si Mama, lagi ka na lang sa penthouse natutulog these past two years."] she added drily.

She's right. I've been living in the penthouse these past two years. Pinapagod ko ang sarili sa trabaho upang kahit papaano ay makalimutan ko siya pero hindi ko magawa.

And it has been two years since I've last heard and seen her. Two years. Two fucking years. Dalawang taon siyang hindi nagpakita pagkatapos niyang tumakbo paalis, ni hindi ko na siya nahanap pa. And every day I wait and wait for her to come home and come back in my arms.

But fuck it.

Walang Marionette Cosias na bumalik. Iba ang dumating makaraan ng ilang araw.

Annulment papers na may pirma niya.

I still remembered how seeing the annulment papers choked me. It felt painful like a thousand of nails hammered everywhere on my body.

Nagulat ako, nagulat sila. Sino bang hindi? But I didn't sign those fuking papers. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin pinipirmahan. Why didn't I sign? Am I waiting like a fool for a Marionette Cosias to come back?

Damn. I shook my head in disbelief. Tinanggal ko ang neck tie at inilagay sa coffee table.

Naguguluhan ako. Mahal ko si Ynette, hindi bilang isang kapatid, kundi bilang isang lalaki sa babae. You can call me sick or what but I didn't give a damn. And I didn't even tell them the truth that we are blood related. Kahit kay Mama na panay ang tanong kung anong nangyari sa amin ng asawa ko ay hindi ko sinabi.

Well, I never knew that the man of the world like me will have things where I am so afraid that I don't even know what to do. I never thought that the day would come that I will love a woman like her, like every fucking piece of my heart shattered when she left and didn't even bothered to look back.

But I couldn't blame her, because I knew that the fact that she's my sister disgust her.

Pero naiisip niya rin ba ako kahit papaano? Dahil gabi gabing wala siya sa tabi ko ay lagi kong naiisip kung ano ang kalagayan niya. If she is living a happy life without me. If she has a roof on her head and foods to eat. If she is well. If she is sleeping every night peacefully or just like mine, na palaging aligaga. Na palagi siyang iniisip. Na palaging nananalangin na sana'y bumalik siya.

Iniisip ko rin kung nasaang lupalop siya ng Pilipinas. Kung nanganak ba siya? Kung okay ba ang baby namin? Kung sakaling maayos ang panganganak niya? Kung babae ba o lalaki ang anak namin? Kung natupad niya ba ang pangarap naming pangalanan 'yon ng Morgiana o Silvano.

And I missed all of the firsts of our baby. Lahat lahat. First cry. First walk. First word that she said. Fuck it.

"Anong gusto mong gawin ko? Ang umuwi at maalala siya? I couldn't find her, Shyne." My voice sounded detached like I was talking about something that didn't involve me. "Dalawang taon akong naghintay, dalawang taon ko siyang hinanap pati ang anak namin. Pero ano? Hindi siya bumalik." Nagtiim bagang ako.

Pasalampak na umupo ako sa silya pagkatapos ay minasahe ang sentudo. Mahabang katahimikan ang namayani sa aming dalawa. Ako ang unang bumasag niyon.

"I'm tired." I said the words more on to myself than to her. Narinig kong nahigit niya ang kaniyang paghinga sa kabilang linya.

Sumandal ako sa silya at pinikit ang mga mata.

If Marionette Cosias really wanted to not be with me then I should let her go, right? Letting her go means letting myself go. I was always meant to be alone. She was a short dream in my life. I needed to wake up and face the reality alone.

["Kuya, akala ko ba mahal mo siya?"] Shyne's voice was a bit hesitant.

"Hindi ako napagod na mahalin siya pero napagod akong maghintay, Shyne." Garalgal ang boses na sabi ko.

Hindi ulit siya umimik. Then I heard rustles and whisphered words from the other line. Pagkatapos ay narinig ko ang boses ni Mama.

["Seymour."] she said.

Nagmulat ako ng mga mata, "Ma."

["Iho, you are tired?"] Tumango ako kahit hindi niya nakikita. Napa-buntunghininga siya. ["Naiintidihan naman kita, kasi nga mahal mo si Ynette at natatakot kang hindi na siya babalik pa. But if you are tired, learn how to rest not to quit. And if you truly love her ay hindi ka mapapagod na maghintay sa kaniya kung kailan handa na siyang magpakita. Maano bang maghintay pa ng ilang taon?"] tanong niya.

I blew out a hard breath. "Ma, masakit." Gusto ko ring sabihin sa kaniya kung paano ako nadurog nang iwan niya ako pero minabuti ko na lang sarilinin iyon.

["Pain is a part of loving. Without it, we'd probably take all the good things for granted."]

Hindi ako nagsalita dahil wala akong masabi ng mga oras na 'yon. Then the call disconnected. I looked at my phone for a few minutes before turning off the lights, and sat alone in the dark.