Goodnight, love

Alone

Under the distant stars of a blackened night sky,
I wonder if I'll get near them,
I wonder if all these nights they've always been distant,
And I never have anyone by my side.

I wonder if I tread this lone road alone,
I wonder if the light that guided me was my own imagination,
And my shadow's the only one that keeps me company,
If I have nothing at all.

I wonder if all my life is a lie,
That I already fell off this world,
Maybe I wasn't worthy enough,
To be part of this play.

If my location is off the map,
And I can't go back to what I used to be,
I can't be what I was,
And I'll just stay as I am.

Maybe all those who loved me never existed,
And all the love I felt was a lie,
Maybe even as I stood staring,
Nobody could see that I existed at all.

By the shadows I whispered to myself,
'Do you really love me?
Or am I my only lover?
Am I all alone again?'

But no one could hear,
And I didn't bother to shout,
I didn't bother to cry for attention,
Because I'd only wake my demons.

And I won't be able to sleep as night comes,
As they stare at me,
Haunting me,
From all these corners.

Because I don't feel you here,
The spot beside my bed seems to be empty,
I'd like more space,
But I love you.

'Don't you see me?
Am I not good for you?
I love you, the world loves you can't you see?'
I remembered you telling me.

Maybe my heart is numb,
Maybe the needles inject more feelings to me than I ever will,
Maybe my tears never dried,
Maybe I have felt much hate that I can't feel anything anymore.

Sorry,
I can't,
I love you too but..,
I can't.

I want to feel it,
But the hate I feel is too much,
Maybe I'm not human,
Maybe I'm defective.

My nights have been conquered by demons,
And all the tries I see you doing,
I don't feel it working,
And I'm sorry.

After all the knives stabbed,
And the blood shed,
I don't think anyone could love me,
I don't think anyone will.

Even as I cleaned myself up,
I listened to the music of the stars,
Staring up the sky,
As I hummed along.

Even as I tried to sleep at night,
As I lulled myself to sleep,
As I retold my Nan's stories,
As I told myself that I'll be fine.

That when I wake up the sun shines,
And all the nights would fade,
But when the sun do shine,
I won't be able to see the stars.

'Fine' is just a fairytale,
An impossibility ,
Even when I try,
I won't be fine.

Without you by my side,
Without your hands holding mine,
With my heart beating for you but you don't respond,
How could I be fine?

Sometimes I want to yell at the sun,
At the stars,
At the world,
At myself.

To demand to know what I've done wrong,
But I guess it's my fault,
All that happens to me is my fault,
And nobody else's.

'BECAUSE IM A FAULTY SHIT! THATS WHAT' I thought,
'ITS MY HEART THAT WOULDN'T,
COULDN'T STOP CHASING,
FOR YOU AND BEFORE'

I wonder if I leave the world,
Would anyone notice my absence?
Would anyone remember me?
Or would the world keep turning?

Probably the latter,
The world doesn't stop for anyone,
Not at all,
Not ever.

I'm not an important person after all,
I'm just nobody,
I'm a shadow,
That wouldn't reach it's full potential.

So if I jump,
Then I'll be lessening the population,
Then I'd be helping the world,
Or so I'd like to think.

But I'm sure I'd wake up again,
In a world much darker than this,
And I don't think my battered heart would be there at all,
And I'll be even more alone.

So I'll stay,
In this cruel dark space,
With no hope,
And filled with lies.

And I'll never go back up,
To see the sun,
Nor the stars,
Because they're up high and I'm not great enough.

I'll never be great enough,
And so I'll just let the night own my soul,
The scars claim my heart,
And let the darkness kill me.

For I give up to make a difference,
And I refuse to love again,
With bloodied nails and bloodshot eyes,
I'm here to say goodbye.

Because I'm going somewhere,
Where no one can follow,
I'll be alone,
I'll be different.

I'll be an island,
Surrounded by deep waters,
Where no one could reach me,
And I'll be different from when you met me.

Different from who I used to be,
Because only change is constant,
Not me nor you,
Not anyone.

So I bid you farewell,
To your night and stars and whatever's far beyond,
'I'll see you soon', I said,
But I guess it's a see you never.