Goodnight, love

Black and White

I walk under faded skies,
Now hiding under a hood,
Hiding my tears,
Hiding my shame.

I used to be whole,
I used to be human,
But now there's something dead inside,
Something black, something dark.

There's something chaining me down,
Stopping me from going beyond the horizon,
Touching the night sky,
Keeping me from smiling.

I remembered when the sky was all blue,
When all people smile around me,
When there were trees to swing from,
And hands to guide you by.

I remember being a little child,
Running free,
Running wildly,
I hadn't known what life was.

I remembered when people weren't chasing after me,
When I felt like I am actually part of everybody,
When I wasn't a separate puzzle piece,
When I didn't spend all nights after midnight crying.

I remembered being happy,
The grasses dancing beside me,
In a furious ascension of steps,
There wasn't a thing to be worried about.

When I hadn't listen to Nirvana,
When Katy Perry and Taylor Swift were both my top playlists,
When butterflies were priority,
And there wasn't a single thing to worry about.

There wasn't any demons to hold me down then,
No hushed voices speaking my name,
No insults getting thrown around the room,
The world had been fair for me then.

But what happened now?
But now, all I hear are wolf hounds,
There were arms hitting me,
Trying to get me.

I wonder where all the happiness had gone,
And why there are sudden cuts on my arms,
And everything seems to be pulling me down,
And I feel like I'm six feet underground.

The grass underneath me has turned yellow,
And the skies are about to rain,
I feel like my heart is made out of glass,
And it might break soon.

Wonder where had all my wishes and hope has gone,
And why I smell like liquor now,
And my feet has stopped moving,
I'm just left crying at everything.

How pathetic I seem,
How much of a coward I really am,
How white turns to black,
How happiness fades to insanity.

People ask me if I'm okay,
I don't really know what to say anymore,
For I know they care for themselves,
And I never really mattered.

Never mattered to them,
To the society,
To those who never cared,
To those who won't miss me.

I'm going on a quest,
To a far unknown foreign land,
All I have is thoughts of death,
And an already shattered soul.

I don't know if I'm okay,
Maybe all that what was before was a mere dream,
Maybe I woke up like this,
A metaphor for lies and broken promises.

Ahead of me was a slightly dissolved rock formation,
And I though how that used to be a skyscraper,
How people used to be happy in those,
And now all that's left is a thunderstrucked piece of gray.

In my head,
Whispering voices echoed,
Telling me to die,
Telling me I could fly.

My heart feels like it would stop beating anytime,
Maybe I'll stop breathing soon,
I used to receive smiles and appreciation,
Now all I get were frowns and side glances.

They tell me to smile,
They tell me to not let my demons drag me down,
But it's my demons who tell me motivation,
And the voices inside my head shoots them down.

Time to time,
I feel ghosts of happiness wash before me,
Sometimes almost smile,
But I never did.

I'm a bit too numb,
For there's a silver bullet shot at heart,
My heart is racing faster,
And my eyelids are getting heavier.

Sometimes I wish for death to come knocking by my door,
For my time to go,
Maybe it'd be a blessing for all of you,
For all of the people.

Because I have nothing to really live for anymore,
All has left me in the shadows,
And all around me I see people smiling,
And I alone stayed dying.

I wonder how they could smile,
What's the X and the Y in the formula of happiness,
What's the ratio of happy to unhappy people,
And whether there is a probability of being happy again.

Maybe I'll be able to hum songs again,
And not just cower in pain,
Maybe I could hop of touching the skies,
Maybe I'll see another shooting star passing by.

All the things around me have changed,
And all the days of brightness and yellow,
Have now faded to black,
And going back was never a choice.

Maybe who I was was some kind of a vision,
Maybe that was a different kid,
A clown's play,
One that only my eyes could see.

I question the existence of the headmaster,
If there was really someone controlling us,
If they were dictating our fate,
Maybe I'll be happy one day, but I doubt.

It was as if everything was based on rolls of dice,
May the best man win,
May the odds be ever in your favor,
All that luck I've come to stop believing.

It confuses me how one time one child could be so happy,
Then the next they'd want to die,
As one person could be by your side,
Then they'll be walking out of your life.

It had left me breathless,
The way all of them turned their backs,
Even as I pleaded,
Even as I screamed.

Maybe there was never a war,
It's just me,
A one man army,
A warrior that's not a warrior.

Because this war wasn't even a fight,
I'm already dead... there was nothing to fight for,
No land to advance to,
And no turning back time.

Maybe it's time to say goodbye to that little child,
Maybe I should give up my hopes to touch the sky,
Maybe I'll never wake at dawn after all,
And I'll never walk the earth again like I did before.

If I woke up tomorrow at midnight,
I'll still be broken,
I'll still be lost,
And the shadows would still be roaming.

One time when I was young,
I had dreamt of going past that now ruined building,
I had dreamt of going through it with mama and papa,
But I guess that's not going to happen now.

The shadows had took that child away,
All around me people want me to be okay,
But I'm not okay,
And there's no fixing that.

Overhead the skies grew darker,
And the ruins rose taller,
Like giants among the people,
Like gray in a rainbow.

It was me in a thousand happy people,
A sore thumb,
I don't look like them,
But hey, I'm unique.

One, two, three,
A bullet through my back,
Four, five,six,
I stop breathing.

And as my vision cloud,
I hope no one ends up like me,
A broken piece,
A lost puzzle.

Above me,
The dark sky was the last thing I see,
I wonder if I'd go there,
Wonder if I'll really be able to fly now.

As darkness clouded my vision,
I see a little girl dancing a ballet,
She had a smile on her face,
And the world didn't seem so black and white after all.