Goodnight, love

Circus Freaks

The lights flared up before me,
And all around me is love I've never felt,
I felt that maybe I could smile,
Maybe all those demons were a lie.

Maybe I've fought my battles,
Maybe I've won,
Maybe I'm the greatest soldier,
The holder of all powers.

I thought maybe I could run a marathon,
All the hard work have paid off,
All the blood that ran through my hands are washed,
And that I'm pure again, as if I'll ever be.

All the men that I have killed,
The lives I have destroyed,
And the smiles etched onto their skulls,
Maybe they were just after all.

I had hoped that maybe I'm innocent,
That the little girl inside me was alive after all,
The living tales of Snow White and little girls having a happy ending,
Maybe they were true.

Maybe the girl on the other side of the mirror,
The girl with crystal blue eyes,
And chapped lips,
A fallen angel.

The girl who lost her smiles,
A broken crown,
And tear streaked cheeks,
Maybe she wasn't me.

But maybe I could've seen it sooner,
The truth,
The one I refused to believe,
Maybe I should've seen for it was staring into my soul.

It sneered at me,
But I swerved pass it,
Never thought for a sudden that that monster was what reality was,
Never thought that it was what's going on around me.

That maybe all the love I've felt was a lie,
All the smiles the people have given me were fake,

All the words they said were memorized lines,
Maybe my being isn't human either.

I've fallen under a spell,
One that the evil witch had cast,
I'm trapped thinking that maybe I'm okay,
But really I'm not.

Maybe the nights I spent pouring my heart out,
The smiles I showed them,
Were all for a circus,
And I am their new attraction.

Maybe I'm the new joker,
In the carnival of nightmares,
Where my soul was sold off,
Where I started to cry.

Maybe I wasn't a soldier,
Just a pathetic little girl,
Lost for her mother,
With wide scared eyes.

People saw me as they passed by,
Wicked wide grins,
They petted me and laughed,
As if I was only a mere object.

The people who once cared for me,
The snake charmer, the lion tamer, the bearded woman,
The magician, the fortune teller, and the foldable man,
All turned their backs from me.

They were my friends,
Yes, I longed for them,
But the tears painted onto my cheeks and the wide grin,
All made them look away.

I don't understand,
I thought I had made them happy,
I thought I've done my best for them,
But perhaps what I've done wasn't enough.

No matter how many times I've called out,
Or how many smiles I gave,
How many times I've made people laugh,
The never turned to look.

"Poor little joker,
And her little jokes and smiles,
Petty dreams she thought would come true,
Believing all the lies the lies they've told," they must think.

I don't know how,
I don't know what's wrong,
How they used to love me,
And now they don't.

I know that people change,
Everything changes,
Maybe I've done something awful,
And the tears I had hifden are now evident.

I'm not sure how to go back time,
Or how I'd apologize,
I don't know if I'd make them happy,
Or we'd stay as broken gears in a clock, stuck in time.

I want to see them smile once more,
Make one show with me once more,
I'd want to see them play again like when we were children,
And I'd trade all my days for it.

But maybe they're tired of me,
All my problems,
My insecurity,
My clinginess.

I hadn't want to lose them before,
I just cared for them too much,
But maybe I've lost them now,
And I won't be allowed to see them smile again.

I miss them,
The care they used to show,
The love I've felt for them,
"You've changed," they said.

I don't know whether we wee even real,
Maybe no girls ever really got a happy ending,
Maybe Cinderella broke her ankle while running down that staircase,
And she lied about being fine.

I don't know what to do,
Just as when I thought I'm free,
I'm back bound onto chains,
And I don't even want to break free.

I'm tired of breaking free,
Of stretching my arms out,
Of crying for help,
Because I know this time there wouldn't be anyone to hold me by.

I'll be all alone,
Once again like that night when the storm raged on,
And when the blood started spewing,
I'll be all alone and lost again.

I never dared to scream,
For all my efforts would be overshadowed by the passers by,
And all my voice would join the predecessors,
It'd be of no use.

I know I'm not the best human,
I don't have the best heart,
Or the best motives at all times,
But something told me to go on.

For when all were real,
They're the people who've told me that,
Maybe I'm not the best human,
But I'm the best joker they'll ever see.

"I'm the best joker," I told myself,
"No half assed greened-eyed Harley Quinn husband wannabe is a match."
I am one,
I am myself.

I pulled at my chains,
With new found determination,
I won't let crazy get the best of me,
For I'll make them smile again.

I'll dance that midnight ball with them again,
I don't care if I'm the 9th wheel, the 7th wheel,
We're all a vehicle of some sort,
And we'll work together.

Spin around the world as one,
I know I'm not the best of the best,
But I'm the best of all jacks,
The jack of all trades.

I'll make them smile again,
All of you will see,
All the world will see,
How great each and every one of us could be.

Maybe reality wasn't reality,
And this wasn't just fantasy,
I just had to believe hard enough,
And perhaps all things would end well.

I ran through the metal doors,
With a bucket of paint,
And a melancholy smile,
I'll dance with them again.

I called for them once moor,
And all of them turned to see,
A little girl who used to be cowardly,
Now brave and free.

I leaned over to paint a smile,
For all of them, all of us,
No matter how deformed or bad we are,
We deserved to smile.