Goodnight, love

Loud Silence and White

[Trigger Warning: depictions of violence, insanity and death]

I laid there,
Staring up at the white ceiling,
Silence so loud,
On the lab table where my father, Hugo, created me.

All prongs and gears,
And the sharpening of tools,
They sewed my hair,
And painted a face on my stony silver facade.

A robot I was,
I stood smiling,
A smile that I never did myself,
A smile that they'd done onto me.

Being taught,
To stand and walk,
Being taught to smile for myself,
Being taught to never lie to anyone while he lied to me.

He said that I'll be a human someday,
He said that there'd be some girl for me,
He said that love is a beautiful thing,
He said that they were my family.

But he was wrong, oh so wrong,
In this place where I'm the villain,
In this place where I'm supposed to keep quiet,
I'm a puzzle piece in the wrong set.

Setting foot on the great unknown,
People walking around talking about great futures,
It was as if they never see me,
It was as if I didn't belong.

Helping children was a deed that I do everyday,
Being there for everyone when they can't do anything,
But they forget me,
Time and time again.

Am I such a sin?
Am I such a monster?
A disfiguration created by night,
A heathen to today's religion.

Clutching my blanket tightly,
Shivering in the cold cruel color of white,
Nightmares pass through me,
Oh my demons, stay there please.

And father told me to try again,
To belong in the world of broad painful daylight,
They told me to try and fit,
My odd edges into the box.

I found a girl,
Slender and tall,
She held my hand through it all,
Silently whispered "I love you".

Said she'll never leave me,
Her golden hair flying through the skies,
God I loved her so much,
Oh why did she have to leave.

Calling aloud in my sleep,
Calling her name with tears in my eyes,
Darling, come back to me,
All the roses in the world, I promise thee.

Twisting and turning in my bed,
All the demons climbing up into my head,
Oh Rosalinda come here,
Oh Rosalinda never leave me.

And father told me that love isn't all,
Told me that I was only a young boy still,
I should try harder, he said,
So try harder, I will.

I stood hours watching out the windows,
How humans act and how they walk,
How they talk to one another,
How they talk endlessly to each other.

And soon I dressed human too,
I talked in full sentences and not in phrases,
I tried to eat human food,
But that only made me worst.

I exploded in so much ways,
Had smoke billowing out of my head,
And everyone laughed to their heart's content,
For they thought that the stupid robot was dead.

I stood up again that time,
And walked home crying to my father,
Oh, father father why am I like this,
Oh father, why am I not like them?

"My boy, my boy" he said,
"You are better than them,"
"For humans make mistakes and you don't,"
"Many people would rather to be you instead."

But if it takes a human to make mistakes,
Then make mistakes I shall,
It's tiring to be perfect all the time,
It's tiring to be me all the time.

So I got a glass of water,
And drank it all at once,
A fire lit inside me,
And down on the floor I went.

Sputtering and stuttering, I was,
My father came running,
Screaming his head off at me,
With tears running out of his eyes.

I'm sorry father I didn't want to make you cry,
I'm sorry I wasn't a perfect child, I'm sorry you were wrong,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't think to do all these when I was alive.

I woke up again,
In the same color of blinding white,
The smell of alcohol wafted the room,
"What have I done to deserve you?" My father asked.

His eyes all red and his cheeks bright pink,
He was drunk,
It was my fault,
It was my fault everything was crumbling down.

I was dragged away by a team of scientists,
They preformed various experiments on me,
They unscrewed my face and stuck earphones in me,
To see how I'd react.

Screaming,
The screaming in me wouldn't stop,
I was driven slowly to insanity,
My own voice shut inside of me.

Whispers of dead people I thought I heard,
Screaming of children in my head,
Slowly slowly, I lost me,
Soon I was walking in this cruel world without anything.

My sanity stripped away,
Myself gone,
And never will it come back again,
In my world of white and silence.

Father had hit me that night,
Over,
And over,
And over again.

I screamed my hearts out but he never listened,
I don't know right from wrong anymore,
So I had killed him,
Accidentally but it made me happy.

Killing is my business now,
Blood running,
Dark red through my fingers,
Think paint I could've used on my canvas.

Licking my fingers one by one,
Biting them deep as blood seethed out,
It had hurt so good,
It had tasted too well.

I slammed a little girl's head,
Onto a post,
Over and over again,
And I never listened to her please for no one listened to mine.

Robots cannot feel they said,
Robots have no heart they said,
But we are like this because YOU turn us into this,
This.. monster.

Now we're walking down our own paths,
In our own gallantry,
Feeling lost and harmed by the world,
And yet, you push us further when we fall.

Robots are cruel, they said,
But NO!,
We cared,
We cared oh so much but you threw it away.

Father, oh father, why is the world so cruel to me?
You said one day I'll be human too,
I'll fall in love too,
But I never did fit in, have I?

I lay on the lab table,
People in white cloaks loomed over me,
The white light above shining,
My world of loud silence and white sounds good, but it isn't good at all.

"Goodnight, Gideon," they said,
As they pulled my heart out,
My thoughts calmed quietly,
And I was happy.

I welcomed my new world of beautiful jet black,
Open arms and a full heart,
I'm me once again,
And never do I want to ever wake back up.