Raising Daniel

4

I loved her from that very first time. Her smell, her hair, her lips, her everything. She had taken over my thoughts. I felt a tightening knot whenever I thought of her name. But she had used me. I thought she had liked me too. It was her talking about fate and David Lynch movies and all the other things I'd thought we had in common. I tried to convince myself there must've been a good reason for her disappearing on me. Maybe she'd been called in to work? Maybe someone had spotted us and she'd been fired? Were there rules on what we'd done? As much as I tried to convince myself that she probably had a logical explanation, the crashing reality was that she simply didn't like me.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a couple of days. I know we hadn't exchanged numbers but she would've been able to contact me if she wanted to. Wasn't it the rules? To wait three days until you call someone? Should I be the one calling her? No. I didn't want to seem needy. But after three days, there was still nothing and I felt absolutely crushed.

My bandmates, Will, Woody and Kyle had witnessed my attempt at talking to a woman from afar and had since been ripping into me. Instead of being the supportive, caring friends I'd once known, they had turned into vile teenage girls. Even after I'd confessed what had happened the next morning. I knew I was only adding to my shame, but I needed their advice. I didn't know what to do or how to deal with this. We were backstage at an early morning tv show, waiting to perform live in front of millions. I was more nervous about talking about Hannah than I was singing for the masses. But after the second time of Woody doing an impression of me trying to be smooth and stuttering, I wrongly thought I could get them to help me.

'No note, no number, nothing. I feel so used.'

'Its no different to us doing it to girls though.' Kyle shrugged.

'But I thought she liked me.'

'You must be shit in bed.' I took a playful swing at Kyle, who laughed and dodged. 'I wouldn't worry about her mate, she obviously knows your famous and just wanted a bragging story. Watch out she doesn't sell it to the papers.'

'Do you think she would...?' I hadn't thought about that. Oh God. The last thing I needed was to see my ugly mug splashed over the papers and the whole world, including my mum, reading about my bedroom techniques.

'If she wanted to get fired, yeah.'

'Ahhhh man.' I sighed and scratched my head, messing up my long dark spikes. 'I really liked her.' I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice.

'Dan and Hannah sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.' Kyle sang at me.

'Shut up.' I muttered, feeling my face turn red.

'Do you luuuuuurve her?' Woody teased and blew kisses at me.

'No. Stop it.'

'I've literally never seen you like this. Just ring the office and ask her to go for a beer with you? I bet she has a good excuse for running away, probably screaming and crying.'

'I doubt it. She's probably married or something.' I shrugged. It would be typical if she was married. The one woman I'd ever felt this way for and she'd be taken.

The simple truth was that I was too scared to act upon my feelings because this is what happens. It was better to remain alone and unhappy than to have all my hopes dashed and my confidence destroyed like Hannah had done to me. I had never liked opening up to people. And for me, bearing your soul to a complete stranger, was my idea of hell. I was perfectly happy alone. Or so I would tell myself. She was far too good for me anyway. Why would someone like her want someone like me? I was an awkward, lanky, horribly insecure guy who had somehow become famous. If only people understood how I thought, they certainly wouldn't like me as much.

I did all I could to avoid ever having to see her again. I was so embarrassed. It felt almost painful to think of her, so I tried not to. I didn't even know it was possible to be so in love with someone without even knowing them and then knowing that she had woken up that morning, panicked at the sight of me in the sober light of day and ran away. That sweet laugh of hers when we ran down the road to the hotel wasn't a sweet laugh at all, it was an evil, cunning laugh. She had laughed at my misfortune and pitied me.

An entire month of not going anywhere near the office passed. I had even gone as far as to fake sickness so I could get out of a very important meeting about our upcoming tour. I knew I would probably have to face her eventually as we had a lot of appearances and shows to organize, but I wanted to put that moment off for as long as possible. Or until at least it stopped physically hurting when I saw someone who vaguely looked like her. It was ridiculous. I felt like a stupid teenager with their first ever crush. And it felt like it would never go away.