Raising Daniel

24

The last place on earth I wanted to be right then was in that house. All her things were laying around. Her shoes were by the front door. Her coat hung up on the rack. All the photos lined the walls. I tried not to look at them. Everything was as it was this morning. But nothing was the same.

I sat the girls down on the sofa and knelt in front of them. Maddie had begun to cry. I held their hands, one of each in mine.

'Lily. Maddie.' I looked at their little faces. Their brown eyes, so like Hannahs. Even Lily, though so small and so unaware of the world, looked at me with such beyond her time wisdom. I didn't want to tell them. I shouldn't have to tell them. Just four and twelve years old. No child should have to be told, twice, that their parent had died. They were orphans now. Legally, I was their Dad, but I wasn't really. I never would be. And now I was about to be the only thing they had.

'Dan...' Maddie urged me. I didn't know how to word it.

'Daddy?' Lily's voice cracked. I couldn't hold onto it anymore. I engulfed them both with my arms. They clung onto me.

'I am so sorry. Mummy's gone.' Maddie understood immediately. She cried out. I could feel her pain as she wailed, screaming 'no', just as I had done. I squeezed her close to me, hoping to absorb some of it so she wouldn't have to feel it.

'Gone where?' Asked Lily after a few minutes of confusion.

'To heaven, Lily.' Maddie told her, wiping her face.

'But...she'll be home tonight?'

'No princess. She can't come back.' Her face cracked into a grin.

'You're joking.' She pointed at me.

'I'm not. Mummy got very poorly and she fell asleep. She can't wake up.'

'But....'

'Why? I thought...' Maddie asked me.

'I don't know.'

'She was supposed to come home with Scarlett. I thought she was ok?'

'I thought so too. I don't know what happened.'

'Where is Scarlett?'

'At the hospital.'

'Alone?'

'The midwives are looking after her.'

'But Dan...you have to go get her, she's only tiny, she can't be in the hospital without Mum.'

'I know Maddie, but I can't...I can't look after her....'

'But you have to...please? Please go get her...' She sobbed. There was that brilliant young lady I knew. Despite everything we were feeling right then, her main worry was her baby sister. And she was right. I did need to go and get my new born daughter. But how could I possibly look after her and her sisters right now? I was falling apart. I could barely think. I had myself and these two girls to feed, water, wash, clothe, put to bed. I could not cope with another human being.

'Ring Jane.' Lily suggested. She had clung onto my arm the entire time, still not quite understanding what was going on. 'Jane makes everything better.' Maddie nodded at me.

'Maddie...' I was begging her.

'You need to bring her home. We can look after her.'

'I'm going to ring Jane and my friends.' I decided. I needed someone, anyone to pull me out of this black hole. I couldn't make any decisions. I wasn't even sure I had handled telling them about their Mum properly. We had never got as far as talking about how we'd tell them. I had hoped she would die at home, with us there. Not on her own in hospital. That hurt the most. That she was all alone, apart from Scarlett. And then that hurt just as much. I would one day have to explain to Scarlett that her mum had died while holding her.

I left Maddie in charge of Lily, put on the telly and gave them some crisps. Poor Maddie. I should never have left it up to her to help me. But that girl was so much stronger than I. I went into the garden and rang Will.

'Shes gone. Will, she's dead.' I broke down again. I didn't know I had so many tears to cry. I didn't know how my body was still functioning with the agony cursing through it.

'Where are you? I'll be with you, I'll be right there. Hang on ok?'

But I couldn't hang on. Not even to the fence that I had been leaning on. I dropped to the floor, my phone bouncing off the concrete. I punched against the ground, ripping the skin on my knuckles, but it felt numb. I wanted something to distract from this. I wanted a meteor to crash into the earth and end it all, because I could not live anymore.

I could see her. Every time I shut my eyes, all I could see was her sat in that chair, so peaceful, even a hint of a smile on her face. And she was dead. Cold and dead.

'Dan.' Two hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up. I don't know how much time had passed. I could see Will's brown eyes, full of tears. 'Come on.' He pulled me up into a sitting position and sat next to me, holding my hand and his other arm around my shoulders. I buried my head into his shoulder.

'No no no no no.'

'I know.'

'She had three more months.'

'I know.'

Maddie had rung Jane and she was now with the girls, Lily painting more pictures with her. Maddie was in her room, music blaring loudly. I could hear it from outside.

I wanted to scream and punch things and smash everything up. But there was nothing left inside me to fight. I stayed curled up in a ball, Will holding me tight. I couldn't do this. I could not cope with the idea of never hearing Hannah's voice, seeing her smile, smelling her hair, touching her skin. I just...couldn't.