Raising Daniel

29

I don't know how, but I arranged the funeral for the following week. All on my own. I'd bought a new car. I'd convinced Maddie to return to school. Lily was back in nursery. I needed things to return to normal, or as close to normal, as quickly as possible. That left my days with just me and Scarlett and I felt I was slowly getting to grips with being a dad to a newborn. I just had to remember to pick the girls up from school, which I had almost forgotten on the first day. The first car ride had been hell. Scarlett, obviously, didn't like being strapped in the back and within five minutes of the radio being on, I'd had to turn it off. Every song that came on reminded me of Hannah. Damn love songs.

My band mates, my mum and Jane had all finally got back in touch with me. All full of apologies and excuses. I was more convinced about it being all part of Janes plan.

'I've been ill, I wanted to come over and meet Scarlett and help you out, but I didn't want to make anyone else sick.' Will had told me. 'But now I'm better and I want to come and see you guys. How is everyone? How are you?'

I couldn't wait to introduce my daughter to my friends and family. She was now a week old and despite my best efforts to get some sort of routine into her life, she was her own spirit. She was hungry when she was hungry and she would sleep when she wanted. Which wasn't a lot.

I had caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. I had never been so tired in all my life. The hair that had once driven thousands of girls crazy, now hung lank and dull. There were thick dark rings under my eyes. Even my skin was grey. I had not long turned thirty, but I looked ten years older. It was hard to tell if it was the lack of sleep, the stress of trying to keep the house in some sort of order, or the loss of Hannah.

The day before the funeral, everyone had come over. Seeing Will, Kyle and Woody certainly lifted my spirits. I felt like the part of me that I had said goodbye to when Hannah was diagnosed and I quit the band, was back, for just a little while. I remembered all the good times we'd had together on the road and all the fun memories we'd shared. I felt like my old self. And then Scarlett began to cry as Kyle held her and my two lives clashed together.

'Good lungs on her.' Woody cooed, touching her cheek gently. 'She's yours, that's for sure.'

'When had we contested that she wasn't mine?' I asked. It had slipped out. I forgot how my friends liked to wind me up. It had been so long since we'd last hung out together. 'Sorry...'

'Hey forget it.' He said.

'Shes amazing. So small.' Kyle was doing his best to rock her and shush her. I so wanted to jump in and take her. I was still her favourite. 'I'm so sorry about Hannah, Dan. I really thought she would pull through. She looked so well last week.' The way he said it, so careful, like he didn't want to tread on my toes and upset me. But it felt good to hear her name. I noticed I'd been playing with my wedding band, spinning it round my finger. It was easy to forget I was married. Only for three days, but it was now a widow, just like Hannah had been.

'The doctors got the results of her autopsy back.' I told them. I hadn't wanted to know. But then I did too. I needed to know if there had been something I could've done to save her. The tumors in her brain had spread and grown. Dr Edmonds was shocked that she was still able to walk and talk. I felt...relief. I knew she didn't want to suffer. Dying when she had done, though terrible, was what she had wanted. It was almost like she had held on until Scarlett was here to let herself go. She had watched Mark dying slowly and painfully and didn't want me to see her like that. I could always cling onto that memory of her holding Scarlett, smiling at me as I left the hospital that night.

'Hows Maddie coping?' Woody asked. Lily was playing happily with Will, building a Lego tower. Maddie was, again, up in her room.

'As well as I am, I guess. She pretty much stays up there when she gets home from school.'

'Must be hard for her. To lose both her parents this young and then have a new sister who gets all the attention, again.'

'I don't know what to do or say to her.'

'There isn't anything you can say. It's shit-' He covered his mouth when Lily span around and stared at him.

'You can't say that word! Daddy says that's a bad word!'

'Sorry.'

'Thats amazing, she calls you Daddy. How is it? Being a dad?' Kyle asked me. Scarlett had stopped crying and fallen to sleep in his arms.

'I don't know...I haven't really stopped to think about it yet. It's cool...like, yeah. Tiring. Stressful.'

'You'll get into it. Once things have settled down and this one starts sleeping at night.'

'When she's fourteen?' I laughed. 'After tomorrow I can focus on the future. I'll say goodbye to Hannah...' The tears snook up on me this time. I'd managed to not cry when arranging the funeral. Or when I had to ring work and tell them. Woody put his arm around my shoulders and dragged me into a hug.

'You've been so strong, Dan. No one deserves this.' Said Will.

'If you wanna go catch an hours sleep, we'll watch the girls.' Kyle offered. I felt like crying even more. An hours sleep? I wondered what that felt like. I didn't need to think about it. I was straight up the stairs, into Lily's room and I was asleep before my head touched the princess pillow.