Raising Daniel

34

I cursed Kyle for planting the seed in my head. It was all I could think about. At dinner that night, as we ate fish fingers, chips and peas, I wondered how I could make it work. Jane had been helping me occasionally, not as a nanny, but as a friend. She'd been the one to suggest getting Scarlett into a routine and sometimes picked the girls up from school for me. Could she maybe take up her job again and I could get back into the studio and performing? Could I bare to be away from the girls for weeks on end? I didn't want to miss a moment with them.

Would it be fair to bring them with me? I know plenty of other singers and bands took their children with them. But hadn't it been part of mine and Hannah's agreement that I kept their lives as normal as possible? What did normal mean anyway? I decided to broach the subject with them.

'What would you guys think about me working again?'

'Where?' Maddie asked. I could see the concern on her face.

'Anywhere, everywhere, I guess. I'd be home a lot at first, but then maybe go on the road?'

'With uncle Kyle, Will and Woody?' Lily asked.

'Yeah.'

'What about us? Where would we be? Who would look after us?' Maddie said slowly, worried.

'Its up to you. I'd like you to come with me.'

'But...my friends at school, I'd never see them?'

'You could stay here with Jane, if you wanted to? Look, I'm not going to do anything unless we decide as a family.'

'I don't know Dad, it's a big change isn't it?' The word must've slipped out without her noticing. She hadn't realised what she said until she read my face. I was beaming. 'I called you Dad didn't I?' She laughed. I laughed.

'It was nice.'

'Yeah.' She'd turned bright red. 'Sorry.'

'Hey, don't be sorry. Don't let it happen again.' I teased her.

'Alright Dad.' We all laughed, even Lily, who then began to sing the song she had made up called 'poo poo daddy face'.

That was the moment I finally, after all this time of being their Dad, felt like a real Dad. And she never called me Dan again. Our relationship, though it had gotten stronger since the funeral, now felt stronger than ever. She had finally accepted me.

And between the four of us as a family, we decided I would take the plunge and begin easing my way back into Bastille. I began writing and singing again and my heart lifted out of the pit it had been in for so long. I felt free. It was tough. Days at the studio with Scarlett were tough. Especially when she began to crawl and wires had become her new fascination. A lot of the time when I was recording she was sat on my knee trying to pull my headphones off or lick the microphone. She wasn't short of people to play with. The boys all adored her.

'Helping Daddy again Scarlett?' Woody laughed. She had eaten the piece of paper I had written lyrics down on while Kyle was on baby sitting duty. She grinned up at us all staring down at her, her big gummy, dribbly grin. She had started to form sounds and words and had started saying dada. She was growing far too fast for my liking. How could she once have been so small enough to fit along my arm only months ago? We'd spend between nine and three in the studio. Then it would be time to pick up the girls and return home for normal family time.

There had been one moment I was dreading and that was going into the office where Hannah had worked. But the time had come to start planning tv appearances, shows, interviews and photo shoots. I left scarlet with Jane for that day, the longest I would've been away from her for seven months. And it was every bit as hard as I'd though it would be. I felt like I'd lost a limb and my mind was in overdrive. What if she choked on her food? What if she was really upset without me? And on top of that, I was a nervous wreck without the prospect of seeing things that reminded me of Hannah.

We stepped out the lift onto our floor and I could see Hannah's old desk, right there, with someone else sat behind it.

'You alright?' Will put an arm around my shoulder. I nodded. I didn't speak incase I threw up. That's what I loved about my band brothers, I didn't need to say a word for them to know what was wrong. He steered me away. But I noticed the friend who had been with Hannah the night we met. Sasha had been at the wedding as a bridesmaid and at the funeral too. She gave me a small, sad wave, before I was pushed around the corner.

The meeting went well. Things were booked. A new record deal signed. The ball was rolling. It was all a bit daunting. I missed Scarlett. I missed her smiles. I couldn't wait to get home and cuddle her. But before I did, I wanted to do one thing.

I headed to Hannah's old desk and took a right. She and Sasha had spent all day every day together. I suddenly felt bad that I had never rang her personally. She must've felt her loss as much as I had.

'Hey.' She was working on something, deep in concentration. I must've made her jump.

'Shit! Sorry, hey Dan, how are you?' She laughed nervously. 'Stupid question, don't answer that. How are the girls? How's that beautiful baby?'

I couldn't help but laugh with her. She was mixed race, with wonderfully kind brown eyes and light brown hair, done up in a short, bouncy cut. I'd never really spoken to her much but Hannah always held her in high regards.

'We're all good, thanks. I just wanted to say sorry for not getting in touch-'

'Don't worry! I understand you've had your hands a bit full.'

'A bit?!' I joked. 'Look,' I don't know where my confidence came from. Apart from the mums at school, I'd barely even looked at another women since I'd been with Hannah. 'Would you like to go for a drink? You're the only person who really knew her and I'd like to talk about her...if you want to, I mean?'

She barely thought about it before answering.

'Of course. That would be nice. Do you want to let me know when and where?' She quickly jotted down her number and passed it me. I promised to be in touch when I had a babysitter sorted and said goodbye. Will was waiting at the lift as I got there.

'What are you up to?' He asked, a sly grin on his face. I shrugged.

'Just talking to Sasha.'

'Oh yeah.' He playfully punched me in the arm.

'No, it's not like that-' He cut me off.

'I wouldn't blame you, y'know, shes a pretty lady and you can't be on your own forever.'

'No, seriously, it's not like that.' But he wouldn't hear another word about it. And suddenly I felt like I'd been transported back three years to when I'd first met Hannah and all the boys did was wind me up.