Raising Daniel

19

She seemed to be wasting away before my eyes and I couldn't stop it. Her skin had turned pale and her once long, beautiful hair, was dull and thin. But very occasionally i caught a glimpse of my Hannah, when she smiled. Her eyes still sparkled when she looked at Lily and Maddie. She had faced this whole thing with such dignity and strength. I admired her. And all the while as her life was sapped away, the resilient, fighting Bean, grew in her stomach. We had just a month to go until he or she arrived. Which meant with had just four months left together.

She had lost the feeling in her right side and sometimes her hand spasmed. It was getting dangerously close to the time where she would need to start staying in hospital. She couldn't stay home without twenty four hour help, I couldn't juggle the three of them, and Jane was already going above and beyond her job title. I knew the conversation would cause an argument so I didn't dare to bring it up until the doctors mentioned it.

'You'll be safe and comfortable, we can monitor you and the baby in this final month and then you'll be moved onto a ward specifically for ill mothers and baby's.'

'No.' She had laughed, looking at me for back up. I shook my head at her.

'What if you fall and hurt yourself or something?'

'I doubt that will happen.'

'Your right side is weak. That will be a tumour pushing against the motor part of your brain. At the speed in which they are growing, I think it's only a matter of time before we start seeing neurological and degenerating problems. After that, we can expect loss of speech, any movement, even the ability to breathe.'

'And until the moment I can't breathe, I will be at home with my new baby.'

There was no point in arguing with her. And I respected her wishes. I would look after her until I no longer could.

We brought the wedding forward. She wanted to be able to walk down the aisle and enjoy the day. It took a lot of string pulling, calling in favours, begging, but between Hannah and I, my band mates and our families we got it organised in just a week. Her parents, who I had met a few times, came down to help and were shocked at the sight of their daughter. Their relationship was strained. She had moved away as soon as she'd met Mark at just twenty and had never been home since. Her parents had not been supportive when she was pregnant, despite having a boyfriend with a very well paid job, his age had driven a wedge between them. Even after Lily was born and Mark had died, they had never bothered to get in touch with Hannah. They had been the last ones to know she was ill and they had finally changed their tune.

They had offered to take the girls back up north after she was gone. Hannah had refused. There was no way she wanted them taken away from London, their home. And from me. This had worried her. She had it stuck in her mind that the moment she's gone, they would try to snatch them from me. I would not let that happen. It had been a massive factor in us getting married, so I could officially adopt them, be their legal guardian.

The night before the wedding, though it was bad luck to see the bride, we had stayed at home with a Chinese take away, watching films with the girls, all on the sofa under a blanket. A real corner had been turned with Maddie. Where Lily and I had once been thick as thieves, it was now me and Maddie that were best friends. She as making a real effort to talk to me, or at least answer the questions I asked her. I could see the relief on Hannah's tired face. It was that night that, for the first time, I felt the baby kick. Up til then, it had been facing the wrong direction and all it's blows had been directed at Hannah's spine. But it had turned and I felt the full force of a tiny heel against my palm. Lily and Maddie got to feel it too, each squealing excitedly.

'What do you think it is?' I asked. I knew Hannah thought it was a girl and I had secretly hoped for a boy. But as long as it arrived safe and healthy I couldn't care what it was.

'If it's a girl then she can share my room and my toys.' Lily told us.

'Are you going to help Dan with the baby? Change it's bum and feed it?' Hannah asked Lily. She put her hand to her chin and thought long and hard.

'Nah.' She shook her head and we all laughed. I had never even held a baby before, never once changed a nappy or made up a bottle. I was glad Hannah would be there for the first few months to teach me what to do. I was equally terrified and excited. I was about to lose Hannah but gain not only one child, but three. It wasn't a life I had ever imagined for myself, especially without Hannah, but it was a life I was going to cherish and be proud of. I'd had my career. I'd had my stupid drinking, going out with friends days. It was time for me to grow up, man up and face the real world now. I was about to be a husband and a father.