Raising Daniel

28

I finally left Lily's room at half ten that night. She had kicked and punched and screamed, refusing to go to sleep until Mummy read her a story. It was utterly heartbreaking. I had thought she understood that Hannah had died. But no matter how slowly and carefully I told her, she refused to believe me.

'Mummy was very poorly, she fell asleep and didn't wake up.' No one should ever have to explain to a four year old why their Mummy can no longer read them a story. I wished I knew the reason. Why? Why had this perfect, beautiful, amazing women been torn from life, so young and with so many people who loved her left behind.

'But she will be here tomorrow.' Lily had told me with certainty. I'd managed to calm her down enough to get her into bed, all the while holding Scarlett.

'Pumpkin, no. Mummy isn't coming home tomorrow or the next day. She's gone forever. Do you know what forever means?' She shook her head. 'It's a long time. It's more time than cartoons, or school, or until your next birthday, or next year, even when you're an old lady.'

'So, I'll see mummy when I'm older? Older than you?' I couldn't help but laugh.

'Even older.'

'So she won't be at my birthday party?'

'Nope.'

'What about Christmas?'

'Nope.'

'But what about when I start school?'

She was doing a very good job of reminding me exactly what Hannah would be missing. It brought the feelings I had managed to control all day, right up to the surface. I managed to wipe away the stray tear as it fell down my cheek. I'd hoped Lily hadn't noticed. But she took my hand in hers and smiled sadly at me.

'Its ok Daddy.' With Scarlett in between us, I hugged Lily. As shit as this was, I was very glad to have her. I had a lot to look forward to with her. Watching her grow and turn into a teenager, and then a young lady. I wondered what the future held for us all. A future without Hannah was never something I had imagined. But I did know I'd always love my three girls.

She finally gave in to her tiredness and fell asleep within a minute of me tucking her in.

Now with two of three of them asleep, it was time to try and put Scarlett to bed. The bassinet was inside the cot. I just needed to get the baby into it. But she still was not happy. And during the five seconds she was in the bassinet, she still looked so small and fragile. I wanted to keep her with me. I didn't want her in this room on her own. And I wasn't keen on sleeping in my own bed either. I pulled the comfortable chair from our room across the hall into Scarlett's.

I had a few chores to do around the house, as Janes note had instructed me. The washing machine and dishwasher were loaded. Toys were put away. I had even managed to make up tomorrow's bottles, ready to go, all with baby in arms.

I sat down finally at midnight, in the comfy chair in the nursery, with a cup of tea, Scarlett fed again, all nestled up on my shoulder where she was happiest, both of us draped in blankets. Her tiny hand was clasped around my finger. I kissed the top of her head, smelling the wispy blond hairs. She smelt of lavender.

I think my first day as a Daddy had gone rather well. So, I had been thrown in at the deep end. But everyone had survived. All were fed and watered and fast asleep. If I could just keep on top of things, I think I could just about do this. It had certainly opened my eyes to what a tough job Hannah must've had after her first husband passed away. And she'd had a job on top of it all too? I admired her even more. And missed her desperately. I just wanted to talk to her about my day. Or ask her what to do for dinner tomorrow. All our stupid little conversations that I had taken for granted.

My eyes had shut for what felt like a second before I was woken by Scarlett crying. I checked my watch, it was indeed about ten minutes. I was so tired. I'd not slept in days and it looked like I wouldn't be sleeping again for a while.

I stumbled down the stairs, trying my best not to wake Lily and Maddie, turned on the kettle and got a bottle out of the fridge. How could she be so hungry all the time? Was that normal? I had so many questions and no one to ask. I'd tried to ring my parents and Jane, but still no answer. I'd read the books, much to Hannah's mirth, but they didn't cover this. There was no 'how to cope when your wife dies and leaves you in charge of a newborn' book. I'd looked. Maybe I should take her to the doctors? How did I go about making her an appointment? I was utterly clueless. Then it dawned on me; the bills. How did I pay the bills? I didn't even know who the gas and electric was with. I'd helped pay my way since I moved in, but I'd just put the money into Hannah's bank. The bank. I needed to ring them and close her account. And for that I needed a death certificate. And before I could get that, I would need our marriage certificate sorting. Marriage. It was our one week anniversary tomorrow. And I would be spending it here, without her.

Once again, everything came crashing down on top of me like a lead weight. If I hadn't of been holding Scarlett I could've screamed. This wasn't fair. I never asked for this. The day I met her I knew I loved her and that I wanted to be with her forever. But I had held myself back for a month in fear of scaring her off. What I would give now to get back those four weeks. Or just a day. Just a moment. One more moment to tell her I love her and to say goodbye.