Raising Daniel

31

If I thought that part was bad, it was nothing to watching the casket being lowered into the ground. If I hadn't of told Maddie to come, I would not have stayed for that part. There was something so cold and destroying about it. When they began to throw dirt on top of it, I had to turn away.

Lily had chosen to give Mummy a little teddy. She had placed it on top of the coffin before it had disappeared.

'Bye bye Mummy.' She had done so well today, asides from the sleeve incident. She had behaved wonderfully and when I felt it becoming too much, all I had to do was look at her. Even Scarlett had stayed relatively peaceful during the whole thing.

People began saying sorry, offering condolences, handshakes and hugs. I felt numb now. I'd hoped to feel relief or freedom or something. But not this numbness. There was no sudden feeling of hope for the future. We just carried on as we had done the last week, without her.

We went to a local pub for a few drinks. It was here that the stories came out. Her friends were telling jokes and laughing, her parents were lamenting about how good she was as a child. I sat and listened, joining in occasionally, but mostly staring off past the windows at the church. I wondered if she would be happy with the service. There was a lot of crying, I'm sure she would have been annoyed by that. I hadn't exactly got across what I wanted to say, but I didn't want to make anyone feel as bad as I did.

'Whats next then Dan?' My mum asked. 'Will you be moving?'

'I haven't really thought about it...'

'It would be good, to have a fresh start. It would help the girls.'

'I don't know, Hannah did want to keep them there, it's near school and all their stuffs there.'

'It can't be good for you.' Margret, Hannahs mum, pipped up. I still hadn't slept in our room. I would run in in the mornings to grab clothes, but I would sleep in the nursery with Scarlett. I don't think I'd ever be able to sleep in there again. It was difficult being in the house, constantly being reminded of who was missing.

'I might do, one day, we could sell the house and find somewhere new.'

'What?' Maddie walked past us just as I had spoken. 'You can't sell the house!'

'I didn't say-'

'You did! I heard you. We can't move. Mum told us we wouldn't be moving. You can't do this to us.'

'Maddie!' I got up to console her, but she pulled out of my grip and ran from the pub, in tears. I didn't know what to do. Did I chase her? Did I let her come back in her own time? It was like the night she'd run away before. I'd eventually found her by the school that time. I looked to everyone for advice. They all shrugged. Yeah, because they had never had to deal with a grieving teenager. I couldn't leave her, I decided.

I ran from the pub, pulling the tie from around my neck and ramming it into my pocket. She was fast. I couldn't see her anywhere. I called out her name and ran to the right, down into the town. This was the last thing I needed right then. I thought I had her on my side. After this morning when she cried in front of me, I that we'd made a breakthrough. And now, all because of my mum and Margaret asking stupid questions about our home, I'd probably lost her trust.

After half an hour of walking around the town, there was no sign of her. I ran back to the house and straight to her room to check there. She didn't have a key, but I wouldn't have blamed her for breaking in. Luckily her belongings were still there but there was no trace of her. I checked the school. I checked back at the pub.

At what point did I ring the police? I couldn't believe I'd lost her. She must've been so angry and confused. Will and Kyle had driven around looking for her too, Woody remained at the wake, just incase she came back. I knew exactly what Hannah's parents must've been thinking. That I could not cope with the girls. They would be straight onto their lawyers about custody, I was sure.

I felt panicked. Where possibly could she be? There was one place I hadn't checked still: the park where we'd taken Scarlett to the first day she was home. It was worth a try.

And sure enough, sitting on the swings alone, was Maddie in her flowing black dress. I approached her slowly, my hands in my pockets, head down. I didn't want to scare her off and lose her again.

'Im so sorry.' I told her and then sat on the swing next to her. She didn't flee.

'No you're not.' She spat, I could hear she'd been sobbing.

'I'm not selling the house. I wouldn't.'

'Then why did you say it?' She looked at me. Her eyes were red raw and her face wet.

'Its what your grandparents wanted to hear. I've got no idea what I'm doing, Maddie. I've never even been to a funeral before. Everyone's telling me it'll be ok, but it's not. Nothing is ok. I don't want to be here, neither do you. I want your mum back.'

'But she's dead. I've got no one left.'

'You have me. I know that probably sucks, but I'm here for you.'

'You'll never be my dad.' It wasn't the first time she'd said it. But it certainly felt like she meant it.

'No, I won't.' I agreed. 'But I do want to be your friend. We both lost her. And now we have Lily and Scarlett to look after. And I want to do that with you. You were just a little girl when I first met you and now your almost grown up, and I would like to watch you grow more. Not for your mum. For me. I don't want to lose you too.'

'I don't...I can't...' She said before crumbling again. I sat in front of her, holding her hands. She tried to hide her face. I pulled her chin up.

'You can. You can do this. You're a fighter, like your mum. One day it'll stop hurting as bad. I hope.'

'Why? Why did this happen to me?'

'Because life is shit. It's just shit.' She laughed a tiny bit. I'd always tried to curb my swearing around the girls.

I managed to talk her down enough to come back to the pub with me. I had my arm around her shoulder. We spoke about Hannah the whole way back. How much we both loved her. How shit this was. I think I learnt more about Maddie in those thirty minutes than I had done in two years. And I think, we'd finally connected.