Raising Daniel

30

The morning of the funeral had arrived. As much as I didn't want to say goodbye, I had to. As soon as the funeral was done, I felt like we could maybe get some closure and begin to move on. I didn't want to move on but that was what most people were telling me to do. There had already been tears before breakfast, from all of us.

'I'm not going.' Maddie had said defiantly.

'You have to go. I have to go, so you do too.'

'I don't care. I don't want to go.'

'Mads, if you don't go, you will always regret it. I don't want to, but I know I'll regret it. Please?'

'You can't make me.'

'You're right, I can't force you. But I can beg you. Please? I want to do this together, we need to say goodbye to your mum, together.' She crossed her arms and glared at me, fire behind her eyes. I understood exactly why she didn't want to go. I was dreading the whole thing. I didn't want to see the casket, I didn't want to hear people telling me how sorry they were. I just wanted to say goodbye and put her to rest.

But Maddie's defiance cracked and I ended up holding her up, stopping her from collapsing to the ground. I did my best to calm her. It was the first time since I'd told her Hannah had died that I'd seen her cry. I knew she had locked herself away so she could grieve in private, and this felt like a healthy step forwards. She finally agreed to come with us to the church.

And then Lily had screamed the house down because she didn't like the sleeves on her little black dress.

'THEY'RE ITCHING ME.' She howled, desperately trying to rip the dress off.

'Darling no, don't do that.' My mum had tried in vain to stop her. My parents and Hannah's parents had come to help me get ready. But it only added to the stress and the noise in the house. And all the while I had Scarlett acting like she'd never been fed. I had wrestled her into a matching black dress to Lily's and hoped she wasn't sick on it.

I grabbed five minutes peace in the bathroom as Hannah's mum fed Scarlett and attempted to do up my tie. I'd never been good at ties. Before our wedding, it had been Hannah who'd done it for me. I found myself getting frustrated and I threw it to the ground, swearing at it.

'You ok, son?' My dad appeared at the doorway. He picked up the tie and wordlessly stood me in front of the mirror. He did the tie in seconds and squeezed my shoulders. 'You've been so brave, stay strong for just a little longer. I'm proud of you.'

We rode in silence to the church. I felt sick. My heart was pounding. I wanted to get out the car and run away. I wasn't ready for this.

'You alright?' My dad asked, concern written on his face. I nodded, unable to talk.

The moment I had been dreading, since long before Hannah had died, had come. We pulled up to the church where we had married less than two weeks ago. The sun shone, just as it had done before, the flowers lined the route into the old building. Hundreds of people had gathered, all dressed in black with pink flowers pinned to their suits and dresses. Her favorite colour. All these people had been at the wedding. I had hoped to not have to see them again, not this soon. Family, friends, work mates. All there to say goodbye. I held Lily's hand in mine, and Maddie's in the other, Scarlett in her big sisters arms. We walked with our heads held high.

There was her casket, at the front, one of my favorite pictures of her on an easel in front of it. I kept my eyes on it the entire time. I knew she was in there, cold, forever sleeping. But it wasn't my Hannah. My Hannah had been full of warmth and passion, full of life.

The vicar who'd conducted the wedding now stood before us all, every member of our joint families, our friends and our children, and spoke words of how she had touched all our lives. Something stirred inside me, wanting to stand up and scream 'No!'. How was this right? How could we all be sat here on such a beautiful day saying goodbye to this beautiful woman? I was angry. And fittingly, angry at where we were the vicar spoke of god and angels, heaven and eternity. No. No God would take Hannah away from me and the children. There was no heaven. She wasn't an angel. She was dead, gone. I clenched my fists and felt my body shaking.

Lily put a hand over mine and looked up at me. She didn't need to speak a word. I felt calm wash over me instantly. I had to believe that Hannah was 'up there' watching down on us. What else could I think? It had been what I'd told Lily.

It was time for me to say a few words. I hadn't written anything down. I barely knew what to say.

I stood up and the entire room watched. I could see my friends, looking up with reassuring smiles, Hannah's parents sobbing quietly. The girls, looking beautiful, all sat together. I felt nervous. I had performed to millions of people while in the band. But I'd never had to open myself up like this.

'I never thought I would have to stand here today. It wasn't what was supposed to happen. When I met Hannah I thought we'd be together forever. Even when she was ill, I thought we would beat it. She was the strongest person I've ever met. People keep telling me that I'm strong, but I'm not. I didn't want to come today...I shouldn't be coming to my wife's funeral. The only comfort I have is that I have been left with these three girls. And I will protect them like I couldn't protect Hannah. I never wanted to say goodbye, but you were stolen from us. We all have our memories of you that we will cherish forever. And I will love you forever.'

It was all I could manage before sitting back down and holding the girls, both crying.