Raising Daniel

21

I was normally awake before she was. I would go down stairs and put the kettle on and then Hannah would wake the girls and get them ready. But that morning, I stretched out to find her side of the bed empty. Only, the duvet had been pulled back and the sheets were stained red. Not just a little, a pool had collected, still wet. I dived out, called out for her, following the trail of blood across the hall into the bathroom. She was sitting against the toilet on the floor, her legs and hands covered, sobbing.

'I think the baby's dead...' She screamed. In one move, she was in my arms. I didn't think we could wait for an ambulance to arrive. I shouted Maddie, who had already been woken by Hannah's crying but too scared to enter the room.

'You need to watch Lily and ring Jane, can you do that?'

'No...no...what's happening...is Mum ok?'

'Please Maddie. I'm taking Mum to hospital. Can you do this for me?'

'I can't.' She sobbed, terrified.

'You can. Now, go back in your room and do not go in this bathroom. Go straight down stairs with Lily when we've gone.'

'Ok.' She whispered and I waited for her door to shut. I grabbed some towels and wrapped Hannah in them, holding one between her legs to stop the bleeding. It was only when we were in the car, Hannah crying on the back seat, that I truly realized what was going on. They were both going to die. Right now.

We had made this drive almost every day for the last four months. But this time I drove with my eyes barely on the road. I was turning to her, trying to hold her hand, trying to calm her down. I didn't know what was going on.

I abandoned the car outside the front doors and carried her in. The towels now soaked, my hands wet with her blood. A nurse rushed us into the emergency room, putting her on a trolley and wheeling her into a room. Dozens of doctors and nurses flooded in, pushing me out of the way. I could see her through the bodies, all shouting orders, puncturing her skin with needles. I could still hear her crying above the noise. I felt useless. I couldn't even hold her hand. I could only watch as they tried to find a heartbeat for the baby at the same time as pumping her full of new blood. It must've been minutes since our arrival but it felt like an eternity.

'The placenta has ruptured. We are taking her to surgery to deliver the baby right now. There is a weak heartbeat. We have only a few minutes.' She was taken down the hall, me running close behind. I was allowed into the large white room, full of equipment. They immediately injected something into her spine and within minutes they had begun to operate.

I held her hand the entire time, our heads together. I spoke to her softly, reminding her how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. How brave and strong and amazing she was. And then we both heard the first scream of our new born child.

'A girl!' The doctor told us. Hannah began to cry. But not the tears of sadness that had plagued us for the last six months. Tears of happiness. The baby was held up briefly for us to see. She was the image of her big sisters. A little small, but perfect and healthy.

'Well done.' I told Hannah. 'You were right.'

'Go see if she's ok.' She urged me. I could see her from where I was sat. They were wrapping her up.

'Shes fine, sweetie, she's fine.' I laughed. I knew she would be more concerned for anyone but herself, as always. The doctors were working hard to stop the bleeding. The baby was fine and now I could turn my attention to Hannah. I couldn't lose her now, not like this.

A midwife bought her over moments later for me to hold. She was screaming, her tiny face red and angry. I cooed and shushed. She was utterly beautiful. 'Say hello to Mummy.' I told her. I had longed for this moment and it was everything I had imagined. She looked upon her daughter with such fierce love and protection. Hannah put her hand up to stroke her tiny daughters cheek.

'Hello baby.'

It hadn't been the birth we'd planned. Like everything we'd hoped for, it had gone the opposite way. She wasn't due for another three weeks and we'd only been married a matter of days. At least we'd have more time as a family, I thought.

I was ushered out so the doctors could keep working. I kissed Hannah, promising to see her in a few minutes. I was left outside in the hall way holding this tiny little thing. I wasn't too sure what to do. She had stopped crying and was just staring up at me with those big dark eyes. I spoke to her, introduced myself, told her about Hannah and the girls. How every had been so excited to meet her but she'd surprised us by arriving early. She must've been as confused as I was. I hadn't picked up the hospital bag. I didn't have as much as a nappy or a baby grow to dress her. I pulled my phone out my pocket with one hand, then realizing my hands were stained red, as well as my clothes. I rang Jane. I could hear the girls crying in the background.

'She's fine. The baby's here. It's a girl.' I told her. Jane shouted the news to the girls and the crying turning to screams of excitement. 'I need you to bring in the bag and some clothes for me and Hannah.'

My next phone call was to Kyle. I had promised to ring him first to say when the baby was born. As soon as he answered he must've heard the baby crying.

'Well done. Does she look like you?'

'Nope, just like her Mum.'

'Thank God.' He laughed.

After an hour doctors had managed to stop the bleeding and had began to stitch her up. We were sent up to a ward. Hannah tried her best to stay awake, but all she managed was a five minute cuddle with our daughter before she fell to sleep.