Raising Daniel

27

Getting the pushchair out of the box was a very stressful hour for me. I needed a degree in engineering to do it. The instructions might as well have been in Japanese for all the good they did me. I'd barely gotten the wheels on before Scarlett began to cry. She couldn't be hungry again, surely? I was very glad that I had no car so didn't have to install the car seat. That was something else I needed to fix; getting a new car. I didn't want it back. It would be covered in Hannah's blood still. I needed to buy a new one. A bigger one to fit all of us in. But for today I was looking forward to walking.

Finally. After Scarlett was fed again, and then changed again because she was sick, we were leaving the house. It was odd to be pushing a pushchair. I nearly crashed a few times and struggled with curbs, but I got the hang of it. Maddie joined us for our picnic at the park. We had walked down the road, the sun feeling warm on my face and the fresh air filling up my lungs. It was nice to be out of the house and to have other things to focus on. Lily ran straight for the swings, begging me to push her higher and higher. Her sister sat down on a bench nearby, watching solemnly. I missed her smile.

'Come on Mads, I'll push you too.' I called to her. She glared at me.

As we sat and ate our lunch on the ground, I thought how Hannah would have loved this. She loved the sun and the outdoors and silly little moments like this. I could feel the tears brimming up once again, but I tried to keep strong. I didn't want to ruin what had so far been a successful first outing without Hannah and with Scarlett. None of us spoke much. I felt awkward. I felt like I was invading on their personal grief. How was I supposed to tackle this? I wanted everything to be ok. I wanted us to get back to normal, to how we were before, but everything felt so wrong. They had never asked for this. They certainly didn't deserve this.

I felt determined to make them, especially Maddie, see that things were going to be ok.

'Lily, are you going to help me look after Scarlett and Maddie? Because, between you and me,' I leant in closer to her. 'I'm not very good at looking after kids.'

'Thats ok Daddy cos I know how to play Mummies.' I still loved the fact that she had started calling me Daddy. It made me feel just a little bit better about this whole horrible situation, that she thought of me like that. I had been in her life since she was three and now she was coming up to five, I was all she had ever known. I saw Maddie glance at me, and I could hear her brain ticking over, wondering whether to correct Lily. I was grateful when she didn't.

We stopped in Tesco on the way home to pick up supplies. We were stopped a dozen times by people, mainly women, who noticed the little baby I was pushing in a brand new pushchair. Each one commented on how beautiful she was. And then the dreaded question arose.

'Is Mummy resting at home then?'

'Actually...erm, no...she passed away...' I watched the poor woman's face fall. I knew she had only meant well and it told me that I should probably be more conservative with the truth next time. No one needed to know all about our tragedy, only those who mattered.

We bought loads of junk food, ice cream, chocolate, all the things that Hannah had, not banned, but certainly not spoilt the kids with. It was pizza for dinner and I'd bought tins of milk, nappies and I'd even remembered to buy a small bassinet to put Scarlett in instead of the massive cot.

As we got home, I felt the slight ease that had come from being outside start to dissipate. I carried the pushchair up the stone steps and up to the purple front door. I saw Maddie's face drop. She must've been thinking the same as me.

It soon became apparent that Scarlett didn't like being put down. The second her bum touched the sofa or the carseat, she began to howl. Even when Maddie or Lily held her, she became frantic. The second I picked her up, she would fall silent and stare up at me with those big brown eyes. And that made making dinner a very difficult task. I wasn't very good at doing things one handed. I was scared of either dropping her or burning her as I pulled the pizza out of the oven haphazardly. Luckily I could eat pizza with one hand, or I might've starved.

The next task I had to overcome was bath time. Maddie went in first, old enough to sort her self out, before going right to bed.

'I'm super tired, I haven't really slept since...' She didn't need to finish her sentence. I was exhausted. I felt like I needed to tell her how I felt too, but I didn't want her thinking I wasn't coping. I was the head of the family now, I had to keep up my front.

'Ok sweetie. Do you want me to bring you up a hot chocolate?'

'No thank you.' And so she disappeared and the music began blaring out again.

I got Lily undressed and into the bubbly water, then undressed Scarlett. Her unbiblical cord stump looked red and swollen. Was that normal? I lowered her into the water, her whole body against my forearm.

She screamed. Was it too hot? Too cold? Her legs and arms flailed about, splashing water onto her own face. Baby's were incredibly slippy when wet. I almost lost my grip twice. I'd hoped the first bath would be a nice experience. It wasn't. I could only subject our ears to a minute before pulling her back out and bundling her up in a fluffy towel. Lily played with her toys as I dressed Scarlett into a onesie. She instantly calmed down.

'So, not a water baby then?' I asked her. 'Lily, can you do your hair?' I had never done this. Another job that Hannah had always done.

'No. Mummy does my hair with that shampoo.' She pointed to an orange bottle. I assumed it was like doing an adults hair. Wet, lather, rinse? That was a job I couldn't do one handed. I lay Scarlett on the floor, she screamed, and quickly did Lily's long blond hair. She smiled up at me with her bubble framed face. 'You wash hair good, daddy.'

'Thank you. What do we do when you get out?'

'Get into pajamas. Dry my hair. Brush my hair. Then story time. Then I go to sleep.'

If only it was that simple.