Raising Daniel

18

I drove home with Lily crying out for her sister. I needed to drop her off and go back out to look for Maddie. Hannah was, understandably, furious with me.

'Why would you just let her get out and run away?'

'I didn't have a chance to stop her. She was upset and shouting and then she just got out.'

'Upset about what? You didn't tell her...?'

'I didn't say a word, that's why she's pissed at me. Can you ring her friends and I'll go out and see if I can find her.'

'No, I need to go-'

'No. You stay here. Get Jane to come over. Ring me if you hear anything.'

I drove and drove for hours. I had no idea where to look. Where did teenagers run away to these days? When I was young I would go to the local play park, but all the ones I'd driven past were empty. It began to get dark and I started to panic. I should've been at home with Hannah, comforting her after today's horrible news. Instead I had lost my precious step daughter.

None of her friends had seen her, her phone was off, and Hannah was inconsolable. The police were looking out for her, but because she'd been upset when she left, she wasn't classed as high priority. I thought the exact opposite, she was upset, alone, she could've been anywhere. The police didn't seem to understand our situation.

Time was ticking along and the night getting later and later. There was no way I could go home without Maddie. Hannah would never trust me again. How could she trust me with her children when I couldn't even control one twelve year old, never mind a four year old and a new born. Maybe I wasn't cut out for being a father? I never knew the right thing to say. I was very good at bluffing my way through things, but when it came down to it, I was shit at being a Dad. For the first time since Hannah became ill, I doubted that I could do this. She had offered me a way out, to walk away. And right then it seemed very appealing. If I didn't love her so much I could've just driven off and not looked back.

I thought I would go past the school one last time as midnight came. And my heart lifted. Sat on the curb outside the front gates where I'd seen her eight hours before, was Maddie. She got up and got in the car in silence. We drove back home and she ran inside.

'Madeline!' Hannah yelled up the stairs. She had been waiting up for us. The door to Maddie's room slammed shut. 'Is she ok? Where was she?'

'Outside school. She hadn't said a word to me. Hannah I'm so sorry.'

'I'm sorry I got cross at you earlier, it wasn't your fault. I knew she would do something like this eventually...I'm just sorry that it's you that's going to have to deal with it.' We sat down on the sofa together, I poured us each a glass of wine from the bottle that Hannah had opened and left on the coffee table.

'Im not very good with these things... I don't know if I can handle this.'

'Its going to be shitty.' She agreed. 'But you can do it. Remember, you get this and you also get the first boyfriends, first heartbreaks, first days at school, dance shows and plays, graduations, wedding days, grandchildren. You get all of that.'

'Im sorry, I didn't mean...' I immediately regretted doubting that I could do this. It was going to be tough at times, but she was right, I had everything else to look forward to. Not to mention the baby's first steps, first words, first everything's, all the things she'd had with the girls.

'This one won't even remember me. Lily probably won't remember me.' I could tell that she had already cried her tears on her own whilst I was out. It had probably done her good to get it all out.

'I'll make sure that never happens. I will tell all three of them every single day how much you loved them. How amazing, how beautiful, how special you are.'

'Why us? Why did this happen to us, Dan?'

'I don't know.' She nestled herself into me, our hands locked.

'What if it hurts? Do you think it hurts to die?' I couldn't look at her as she said it. I had to hide my pain from her.

'I don't think so.' I said, then thinking about it for a few moments. I had never seen anyone die before, but in all of the movies and all of the shows, people seemed to pass quietly, peacefully in their sleep. 'I think it might feel like relief. Please, don't be scared. We're going to do this together.'

'I'm so sorry.' She kept repeating and each time I rebuffed it, telling her, promising her that none of this was her fault.

We stayed up all night, wrapped up in a blanket, watching the sun set and then rise. We spoke about all the fun times we'd had. Both of us remembering how we'd met. I confessed how I'd been heartbroken when she'd done a runner the next morning. How she had tried so hard to work up the courage to text me. We laughed. We cried a lot. We picked out baby names. Something I hadn't dared hope to do for all this time. We decided to let the girls, both of them, know the whole truth. And it was so hard.

We kept the girls off school because of last nights antics and to tell them. Also, Hannah wanted them close by as much as possible. And I didn't blame her. Lily was confused. She knew the words but not quiet what they meant. In her sweet innocence she kept asking why Mummy was so sad.

'Because Mummy is going away, soon, for a long time, and we won't be able to see each other anymore.' Hannah gently explained. She kept herself calm though I could sense the upset in her voice. Maddie was crying silently, across the room.

'Where are you going?'

'Heaven.' She smiled.

'But I can come too?'

'No sweetie.'

'I'll come with you, Mummy.' Lily smiled and held Hannah's hand.

'You can't. Mummy has to go without you.'

'Oh.' I could see Lily thinking. 'Are you going too?' She asked me.

'No, I'm staying here, with you.'

'Would you like Dan to look after you?' Hannah asked tentatively.

'I guess.' She shrugged. Hannah looked up at me and laughed. Typical Lily.

'Why do we have to stay with Dan?' Maddie spoke for the first time, her arms folded across her chest.

'Because he's the only person in the world I trust.' Hannah replied.

'I'm not staying with him.' We were back to the same conversation we'd had the night before.

'Madeleine.' Hannah scolded her.

'No Mum. It's shit enough that your dying, but you're just going to leave us with him? We don't even know him.'

'Mind your mouth.' Hannah yelled. I'd never heard her raise her voice at anyone. Even the children were taken aback. 'Do you think I want this to happen? No. But I love Dan and he is the closest thing you have to a Dad.'

'But he isn't our Dad!'

'No, he isn't. But he is this baby's Dad and I need you three to stay together. I need the four of you to be a family.'

'Maddie.' I pipped in. 'I love your Mum. I love you and Lily. I wish none of this was happening too. But there's nothing we can do but stay together and get through this.'

'But Mum, I don't want you to die.' She had crawled into Hannah's lap, curling up into a ball, looking just like her little sister. Hannah rocked and shushed her. She indicated for me to join them. I did so tentatively. I put my arms around the three of them, rubbing Maddie's back and kissing the top of her head. I could feel her wracking sobs. Though I had been part of the family for over a year, I finally felt connected with all of them. I just wish that we weren't about to be torn apart.