Raising Daniel

10

We spent the weekend painting the spare room, having finally moved my boxes out and unpacking them. We had chosen a cream colour with an animal theme until it was born. We'd chosen not to find out and have a little surprise. It was hard for me to contain my happiness. I kept looking over to Hannah, who suddenly seemed even more beautiful. Her skin was, as the baby magazines had led me to believe, glowing. Or maybe it was just because she too couldn't stop smiling. Even with Maddie's predicted anger at our news, we were over joyed. Once we'd finally got our heads around the idea. For Hannah it was a simple decision. For me, it changed everything. My whole life. And I couldn't wait. I was nervous as hell about it all. Until recently I had been just a kid myself. A nearly 30-year-old kid. I'd had no responsibilities, no cares in the world. All I did was write songs, sing songs, get drunk a lot and sleep. Meeting Hannah had been the massive wake up call I didn't know I'd needed. I felt like I had a purpose now. The void that I hadn't really noticed before had been filled.

We had been to a scan to check everything was ok. And I cried. I saw this white dot on the black screen, unsure what it was I was looking at, until the nurse pointed out the hands and feet. Not even the size of a phone. But nearly fully formed and perfect.

'We made that.' I said out loud. Still hard to believe I'd managed to procreate. Although the poor thing would have half of my rubbish genes. Luckily the other half were Hannah's, so that totally made up for it. I had my money on it being a boy. I could just see myself badly teaching him football. But my most favourite thing I was looking forward to was teaching him the piano. I hoped he could sing and find the joy I found in it.

I couldn't wait to tell my bandmates, my Mum and Dad, people I met in the street. Anyone who would listen. But what I couldn't wait forward to more than anything was being a parent with Hannah. We were already a team. But this baby would forever connect us. And I honestly didn't think I could be any happier.

Hannah had suffered rather badly with sickness and headaches. The first three months she had spent either in the bathroom, sobbing, or in bed, sobbing. It had come at a pretty tough time as I was away in America and Europe promoting our new album and single. I was nipping home when I could, but I was very grateful for our Nanny's help. I don't think Hannah would have coped without Janes help. She had been signed off work indefinitely, which upset her. She loved being at work. We didn't end the money, but it kept her same to have some adult time during the day.

Every time I came home I was taken back by this little mound forming in her stomach. Even if it was just days, I noticed it. And it was unbelievably cute. I would kiss her and then lean down and kiss her stomach. Lily had taken to calling the baby Bean, because of the size we'd explained it was at the time, Maddie refused to acknowledge it. I had come up with a song in my head that I sang to it every night, and much to Hannah's embarrassment, I would sing down the phone with Hannah's phone on her stomach, whilst I was away.

'I've read that it gets the baby used to noise and then when he's born, I can sing that song and it'll remind him of the calming environment of your womb.'

'First, you saying 'womb' is weird. Second, stop reading the bloody books. Nothing can prepare you for this. I wasted so much time and money on all those books and gadgets. When she's here, you'll know what to do.' She was irritable. Which was to be expected. And the tiredness didn't help matters. She'd been complaining of headaches for a few weeks but there wasn't much she was allowed to take for them. I had urged her to go to the doctors but she promised it was normal.

When we finally got to the stage where we could tell people, I was shouting it from the rooftops. My parents were thrilled. They were going to be grandparents again. They already treated Lily and Maddie as their own, spoiling them rotten and having them overnight so me and Hannah could enjoy some time alone. And when I could finally tell my three best friends and bandmates, Will, Woody and Kyle, it was the perfect reaction.

'Your dick works!' Kyle declared.

'You finally got laid.' Woody laughed.

'Happy for you mate. You'll make a great Mum.' Said Will.

I could just picture myself holding my child. I wondered who it would look like. I hoped it took after Hannah and was as beautiful as her and the girls. I found myself picking up tiny baby socks and 'awwing' out loud. I had become one of those soppy people who went weak at the knees at the sight of baby clothes.

Then the four month mark came. The headaches hadn't stopped. They'd got worse. She had tried to hide them from me, but I noticed her stand up and go dizzy. I rushed to her, holding her up.

'Thats not right.' I told her and forced her to sit down. 'And you're still being sick.' The books said the sickness stopped at three months.

'Its fine. I was like this with both the girls.' I wasn't happy. I made an appointment for her to see the doctor the next day and despite her protests, made her promise to go. I was flying back to America in the morning. 'Ok. Ok I'll go. It's a waste of time though.'

It had been Jane who found Hannah lying on the kitchen floor. And it had been Jane who had frantically called me as I was boarding a plane to New York at 7am while Hannah was being operated on.