Raising Daniel

9

Life was sweet. The band were selling out massive dates for the upcoming tour, we'd had a few number one albums and singles. We'd even won a fair few Brit awards and we had America on the horizon. It was a struggle trying to balance my home life and my work life. I missed them all so desperately when I was away, which could be weeks at a time. I Facetimed every night and rang as much as I could. It physically hurt to be away from Hannah for more than a few days. It wasn't something I would ever get used to. I loved the feeling of getting out the car, walking up the steps, my heart pounding, wondering where I would find Hannah in the house and surprising her. And seeing Lily's face light up was just as amazing.

She was being kept busy with work and the girls, her life continuing much like it had before we'd met. We had decided to hire a nanny, just so she had that extra bit of help. Her name was Jane, a grandmother of four, retired from teaching and the patience of a saint. She came over in the mornings and left at night, picking up the girls from school and nursery, even doing the washing and cleaning where she could.

I felt very content in my life. I had everything I had never dreamt of. And things were about to change too.

Hannah rang me in tears, urging me to get home as soon as possible. I was at rehearsals for our bands tour, on the other side of London. The tone of her voice panicked me. I thought something had happened to one of the girls. I was trying to calm her down and hold myself together at the same time.

'Whats wrong? Has something happened?'

'No. Oh Dan, I'm sorry. I think I might be pregnant.'

My mouth fell, my eyes widened. Pregnant?

'But....how? What?'

I'd been playing Dad for a few months. It was great, tiring, but great. Because Hannah was in charge of most things. She told them off for being naughty, she set the rules, she ordered them to eat their tea or go to bed. I was just an enforcer. We had agreed that we would talk about getting married one day but until then we'd decided against adding a baby to the mix. And certainly not while I was so busy working away a lot. It wouldn't be fair.

'I don't know. I thought we'd been careful...you need to pick up a test. Oh god Dan, what if we are...?'

'It'll be fine. Don't worry.' I told her, before hanging up and staring at my phone, expecting an appropriate response to pop up on it, telling me what to do. I could barely form a straight thought in my mind. What was I supposed to do? I wandered back to my friends, hand knotted into my hair, twisting, pulling nervously.

'Whats wrong?' Will asked me. My mouth bobbed open soundlessly. I didn't know how to feel. It wasn't a bad thing. But it wasn't in the plan. We'd not even been together a year yet. I knew I wanted to spend the next million years with her, but having a baby this soon? 'Anything I can do?' He offered. I shook my head.

'Hannah thinks she might be pregnant.'

'Woah.' Will patted me on the shoulder. 'Thats great news. Isn't it?'

'I'm not sure.' I felt numb. Could we do this? I knew she could, she'd done it twice before. But me? An actual Dad? Lily would be pleased. She loved making me play Mummies with her dolls. Maddie would be furious. She still hadn't quite welcomed me. And as she was hitting her teenage years, I suspected it would get worse not better. This would push her over the edge. A new man and a new baby, ruining her life?

I raced home, stopping at a pharmacy to pick up a test. I had no idea what I was buying. I didn't even have the brain capacity to feel embarrassed, like they seemed to do in the movies. I wished Hannah was here to help me. There was so many to choose from. I ended up asking another customer in the store to help.

I kept imagining what my reaction would be if she was pregnant. Would I cry? Would they be happy tears? How was I supposed to feel? I'd never put any thought into this. There hadn't been enough time. We'd been together almost a year and every day I loved her more. And the girls. Just when I didn't think I had enough room in my heart for another person, this had happened. I could do this. Right?

What if it was a boy? I'd have a son of my own. Or even another girl. Either would be amazing. And I could be there for Hannah, watch her stomach grow, feel those kicks, be there when the baby took its first breath, and watch all it's firsts. First smile. First laugh. Crawling. Walking. Talking. Just as she had done with Lily and Maddie.

I ran into the house, grabbed her hand and pulled her off the sofa and into our en suite bathroom. I didn't watch her pee on the stick, but I was sat right there with her on the bathroom floor as the timer on my phone counted down a minute, the stick face down. We stared at each other, silent. She was biting her lip nervously. I was trying my best not to smirk.

'If...if I am...' She began. I held her hand.

'I think we can do this.' I told her. 'I want to do this. With you.'

'But Dan, the band, you're away all the time.'

'We'll figure it out. You can all come with me or something, I don't know.' I told her with a smile. She began to laugh, that infectious laugh. And I couldn't help but join in.

Ding.

'You do it.' I said.

'You do it.' She said.

I picked up the white stick and turned it over.

'Pregnant.'