Raising Daniel

13

She flat out refused to talk about it. I had tried desperately to at least get her to acknowledge what we'd been told, but she would change the subject. I could barely keep myself from screaming, but she just sat there, smiling at the world. I was doing my best to not breakdown, biting my bottom lip as it trembled, trying to think of something else, anything else, but this horrendous situation. But my mind was full of her. Of the amazing times we'd spent and the horrible times that could now play out.

I'd waited in the car as she went and got the girls from their respective schools. I watched as she asked them about their days, like nothing was different. I thought seeing them would set her off, but it didn't.

By the time we were home I couldn't hold it in. I didn't want to breakdown in front of Lily and Maddie and have them wondering what was wrong. We could not tell them, not yet. I had to get some space, some time on my own to think, to scream, to cry.

I drove to Kyle's flat, half an hour across town. I don't know I how managed to get through the hours in between the hospital and collapsing at Kyle's door. I couldn't even speak when he asked what had happened.

'Is it the baby? Is the baby ok?'

My Hannah was going to die. Everything that we had planned, all those years we had imagined together, had vanished before my eyes. There was such a pain in my chest that I thought I would die too.

Kyle pulled me into his house and sat me down with a glass of whiskey. All he could do was watch as I wailed and cried, finally letting go of this emotion that had wanted to burst out. He rang Will and Woody and they immediately came over. It took me about an hour before I could bring myself to say those words out loud.

'She has cancer.' The word felt dirty on my tongue. It was a word we all knew about, we all knew someone who had battled it and either fought or lost, but it had never been so close to home. I almost felt like I was in a film, living out someone else's life. Because this couldn't be happening to me. I immediately cursed myself. It wasn't happening to me. I wasn't the one who was going to be dead.

I saw their horrified faces. Kyle began to cry, too. The room was silent.

'But...she's, she's gonna be ok? Right?' Woody stammered, finally. I shook my head. He then began to cry too.

'I don't-' I couldn't finish my sentence. It all seemed to explode in my mind.

The kids. They were going to be left orphans. And I was all they would have. The baby. As much as was disgusted in myself for even contemplating it, if losing the baby meant keeping Hannah, then surely it was something we had to do? I loved that baby with my entire heart. I had loved that baby since the very moment I knew of its existence. We were so happy and excited about welcoming it into the world. But Hannah would die without the treatment. And I didn't think I could live without her.

The boys hugged me, tried to give me words of comfort, refilled my glass. But there was simply nothing anyone could do. The more I drank, the worse I felt. And I felt worse still for leaving her. I had no idea what could be going through her mind. Obviously her way to deal with it was to just carry on as normal, but who could tell what she was thinking.

'I need to go home.' I slurred. Will sat me back down as I tried to stand. He ordered Kyle to fetch some coffee and said he would drive me home later, when I'd sobered up.

'She can't have you in this state, you're no good to anyone right now.' He told me. Woody had joined Kyle in the kitchen, probably so he could compose himself. 'I'm so sorry Dan. I can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through. But there is hope. There's always hope ok? You need to be strong for her, fight for her and the girls and that baby.'

'No.' I shook my head. 'She's...we're...why, Will? Why?'

'I don't know.' He sighed. He pulled me into another hug. 'We're here for you.'

Once I felt a little less drunk and more prepared to face this horrible journey that lay ahead of us, Woody drove me home. I thanked him profusely and apologised over and over. Once he'd driven off, I turned to face the house, standing alone in the quiet street under the orange glow of the street lights. The lights were all off inside the house. It had gone midnight.

I let myself in as silently as possible. As I'd suspected, everyone was in bed. I'd hoped to find Hannah still awake. I dragged myself up stairs. I just prayed that when I woke in the morning, all of this would've been a bad dream. But for then, all I wanted to do was snuggle up to Hannah and hold her close all night.

I put my head around the doors of the girls bedrooms to check they were sound asleep. Lily had always slept upside down, this night was no exception. I watched her beautiful, peaceful face for a few minutes. She didn't deserve this. She needed her Mum. Maddie, too was sleeping peacefully. She needed her Mum even more. She had been through the pain of losing her Dad. And now she was on the cusp of being a teenager, she was about to lose her Mum too? How much pain could a young girl take?

Our room was dark and I could just see a lump in the quilt where Hannah was lying on her side, facing away from me. I shook off my jeans and shirt and climbed in between the sheets beside her. I could hear her softly breathing away. I put my arm over her waist, and buried my face into her neck. She stirred and put her hand on top of mine, entwining our fingers over her tiny baby bump.

'I love you.' I told her.

'I love you too.' She said in less than a whisper. She gave my hand a little squeeze. I felt her breathing change and I was sure she had started to cry. I decided to just hold her tight. I needed to wait until she wanted to talk. Until then, all I could do was love her.

*****

I just wanted to write a little note here and explain why I have chosen this sorry line, in 2012, when my little boy was 6 months old, I was told I had cancer. Squamous cell carcinoma, stage 3a. There was a 99% terminal rate. I had two operations, chemo and radio and I beat it. So everything I'm writing down here is sort of what I imagined my mum, my boyfriend, my friends, my kids to be going through. I write because it gets it off my mind. I understand if people find it hard to read, and I am in no way glorifying or using it to get votes. It's just a subject I know very well.