Raising Daniel

32

After an exhausting day, everyone was in bed. I'd even got Scarlett to go into her cot for the first time ever. I sat on the sofa, the tv on something rubbish, a large glass of wine in my hand. It had gone well. Apart from Maddie running away. That was it. It was over. This was now our lives.

My phone had been ringing and beeping constantly for over a week. I finally got around to deleting texts and missed call lists. The answer phone icon showed three unlistened to messages. Curiously, I put the phone to my ear. The first one was my mum, asking if I was ok. The second was Dr Edmonds telling me to get in touch with him about the autopsy. The last one floored me.

'Dan.' I knew that voice immediately. I stopped breathing. 'My lovely husband. I just wanted to....I mean, I need to tell you just how much I love you. You are an amazing man, a great, great man. Thank you for sticking by me through all this. I could not have wished for a better life for us, even though it was short, but I wouldn't change a thing. You will be a great dad to our girls. I...I...yeah, I love you. I love you so much.'

I broke down. I hadn't expected to hear her voice ever again, yet here it was, her last message to me. It had been on the night before she died. She must've known she was about to go. And i must've missed her call. I felt comfort in it. I listened to it over and over. I couldn't cry for too long as Scarlett began to cry over the baby monitor. Would I ever be able to sleep?

The weeks went by slowly. I did the school run, I did the house work, I made dinners and made sure everyone was clean and dressed at all times. Scarlett began to settle after I discovered baby slings. I could do everything while she was strapped to my chest. The girls had begun to smile more, even I had found myself laughing more. It was still painful, each morning I awoke on the comfy chair in Scarlett's room, there was a moment where I'd forgotten. Then it came crashing down on me. I don't think it would ever fade.

Each morning I went into the cupboard to pull out clothes, I was met with the smell of her. It was in the clothes, ingrained into their fabric. I needed to pack them away. I wasn't going to throw them. I didn't have the heart to. But I needed them away from me, for now.

I started gently, one by one, laying them softly in the suitcase. After three or four pairs of jeans, a piece of paper fell out of a back pocket. Curiously, I picked it up. It was addressed to me.

'Danny.' I read aloud. I hated that she called me Danny. She knew it wound me up. I smiled. 'Remember to tell them your stupid tour stories. They always made me laugh.' I was confused. What an odd thing to jot down. I put it in my pocket. Then, in the pocket of her jeans, another. 'Dan. Please get Lily into dance school. I need her to dance like an angel, not like you.' I laughed out loud. I was a pretty bad dancer.

I went through every piece of clothing she owned, finding more and more little notes, jotted down on postcards, backs of envelopes, even one on a tissue. She must've been doing this for weeks. Most of them were funny, but some of them bought tears to my eyes.

'Remember how we met. How you told me within hours that you wanted to marry me. I never told you before, but I knew within minutes. You are an amazing man, I hope one day you can move on and find happiness again. You deserve to be happy. I will always love you.'

'Don't feed the kids crap food.'

'If the baby is a boy, please don't let him join a band.'

'Tell Lily and Maddie when they have their first child, to cherish every moment.'

'Never buy cheap bin liners.'

'Go out and get drunk.'

'Have fun!'

'When you're hoovering, don't go round the sofas, move them out and hoover underneath too.'

'Make pack lunches the night before school. You'll need to be organised.'

There must've been hundreds of them. This was her way of making sure everyone was looked after even when she'd gone. I read every single one and hid them away in a drawer so I could keep them all forever and look over them when I needed advice. What an amazing thing to do. It was for reasons like this that I had loved her so much. Even when she was probably struggling with the idea of not being here, she had thought to do this.

Then the day before Lily's fifth birthday, an envelope dropped on the doormat. I recognized the writing immediately. I knew exactly what it was and I smiled broadly. I called Lily over to open it. Me and Maddie watched.

'Whos it from?' She asked as she tore the paper.

'Mummy.' Her face lit up like a firework. 'I told you she's watching us.'

It was a birthday card with a giant 5 on it. Inside, I read it out loud to Lily. 'To my beautiful Lily on your fifth birthday. I'm sorry I can't be there, but Mummy loves you very much and I hope you have a great day.'

'But, how?' Maddie asked.

'She must've given it to someone to post for her.' I replied. I wondered who. Not her parents? But we had seen everyone we knew days before she died so it must've asked anyone who'd been there. Now, instead of dreading birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions, I looked forward to them. It was Maddie's thirteenth next and sure enough, the day before, a card arrived for her. It was nice to know that despite her not being here, she was still a part of our lives.