Raising Daniel

25

The hospital had rung me a dozen times. Each time I let the phone ring off, no longer even bothering to look at who it was. Sometimes my mum called. Sometimes it was Will or Kyle. I didn't care. I stayed in the living room, curtains drawn, television off, the door shut. Jane had been watching the girls. I knew I should've been there for them. But what good was I to them? There was nothing I could do. Lily had been asking where Mummy was. Maddie had barely spoken a word to anyone. The house was silent and bleak. And I couldn't see it getting any better. The hours turned into days and I still felt so lost and confused.

I was still wearing the clothes I'd worn to the hospital, two days ago. I couldn't go into my room to change. I didn't want to see her book on the beside table, half read but never to be finished. The clothes hanging in her wardrobe. All these things just left suddenly behind. Just like me.

Hannah's parents had been round, offering to take the girls back up north for a while. I had expected it to happen. I had promised Hannah I would keep them here, in their home, try to keep some normality to their lives. They were, obviously, devastated at the loss of their only child, and had somehow got it in their minds that they were to take care of the girls. I had to point out that I was their legal guardian now. The conversation ended with tears and threats to get the police and lawyers involved. I couldn't do anything right.

Maybe it was for the best if they went back with their grandparents? At that moment in time I was not fit to be a parent. Jane was doing all the hard work, but she pointed out that she was not paid to be here permanently, she was just a nanny. I was not ready for it, but I had to get Scarlett and bring her home at some point. She was my daughter, my flesh and blood. Hannah's last gift to me. So why was I putting it off?

'I can't be here twenty four seven. You need to do this. You need to get out of this room and start being a dad to those girls.' She told me after Lily was put to bed, in tears. Crying out for Hannah. She had made me a cup of tea and sat with me.

'I know...I just can't. I can't cope with all this.' I shook my head. The tears, which I thought had all been cried, burned behind my tired eyes.

'Dan, I am concerned. I know this is a horrible time for you, but you are going to lose those girls if you don't snap out of this. What if Hannah's parents do get the police and lawyers involved? And not just that, they need you more right now than they ever will do. If you don't step up, they will never forget this. Scarlett is all alone. Lily is confused. Maddie is heartbroken. It's not just you who lost her.' Her final words stung. I know it wasn't just me who had lost her, but the girls hadn't loved her the way I did.

'I know Jane. I know. But I can't be around the girls when I can't stop crying. I can't function enough to be their father.'

'Then cry infront of them. Let them know it's ok to cry.' It wasn't just that, but I wouldn't admit it. I didn't know what I was doing. Hannah and Jane had mostly taken care of them. I had done the odd chores and school runs. But I had never actually looked after them for more than a few hours. I was terrified. I had hoped Hannah could show me the ropes before she died. There hadn't been time. And then Scarlett, too? At least the girls were old enough to tell me what was wrong or what they wanted. A newborn would just scream.

I desperately missed Scarlett, my tiny helpless little girl. I had the photos of her on my phone, which I stared at all night, along with that final photo of Hannah, smiling, so happy, looking so healthy. She was at the hospital, being looked after by strangers, but I was too scared to go and get her. I was just too scared about everything.

'I just can't...' I sobbed, burying my head in my hands. Why did no one see how much this had hurt me? Why couldn't everyone who was ringing me every hour, all the knocks on the door, offering words of support, just leave me alone? There was nothing anyone could do or say that would help me. The only person I wanted to talk to was Hannah. I needed her. I was angry at her for dying. I was angry at myself for not being able to save her.

I wanted to stay in my pit of despair and never come out. Jane left for the night, saying she would be back in the morning, and I downed the last of my tea before falling into a fretful sleep. It had been the first sleep I'd had in over 48 hours. But I woke up just hours later, feeling even worse. The noise that had woken me wasn't loud to begin with, but foreign enough to confuse me. The curtains had been pulled back and light flooded in.

On the table next to the cup was a note.

'Daniel. I'm leaving. You need to do this. Jane x'

Leaving? What did that mean? Had she quit? In my tired haze I still hadn't quiet figured out the noise or where it was coming from. I hauled myself off the sofa, stretching and stumbling into the hallway. And that's where I found the car seat, on the floor by the door, with my tiny daughter strapped in, crying softly. I stared at her for a moment, not quiet believing what I was seeing.

'What...?' How had she got here? How long had she been here? What the hell was I supposed to do?

'Daddy?' Lily appeared at the top of the stairs. I hadn't actually seen her for a few days, despite being in the same house. I looked at her small face, still sleepy, and felt my heart lift ever so slightly.

'Hey princess. You ok?'

'Scarlett!' She came flying down, practically shoving me out of the way as I stood frozen. Jane. She had got her, brought her home and left me to deal with it. I tried in vain to ring her while Lily was distracting Scarlett but her phone was off.

'No no no no.' I panicked. She couldn't do this to me. I had told her last night I couldn't do this, especially without her too. Scarlett's crying got louder, Lily was doing her best to talk and sing to her. Then Maddie came out of her room.

'What the hell, Dan?' She shouted over the noise. I held my hands up at her in desperation. She trudged down the stairs and pulled Scarlett from the car seat. She went to hand her to me, but I stepped away. I couldn't hold her...I wasn't ready for this.

'Shes hungry.' Lily told me. I had nothing ready. I wasn't even sure we had any formula for her. Maddie cursed me and took her upstairs, Lily following behind, excited about showing her sister around the house. It gave me crucial time to think and figure out exactly what I was going to do now. I went back into my cave and returned to the note Jane had left.

Under the note I found a notepad, with lists. The first one was things I had to do ASAP.

'Get to know your daughter. Shower. Take the girls out, do something normal. Arrange funeral, including flowers, food, death certificate etc.'

The next, was a shopping list.

'Formula, nappies, things for dinner, washing powder, milk, bread.'

Then a daily check list.

'6.30 girls up, dressed, breakfast, 7.45 leave house, Maddie school, Lily nursery, 9 baby group at children's centre, Scarlett nap, load washing machine, Scarlett awake, 3.30 pick up girls, begin dinner, quiet/homework time, baths (all), stories, 7 bed (all girls), housework, lunch boxes, wash sterilize make up bottles, Daniel bed.' And scribbled down in the sidebar, 'feed Scarlett when she's hungry. Change nappy 2-3 hours. Take changing bag with spare clothes everywhere'

It was all so much to take in. I know Jane meant well. But now I felt even more terrified.