Raising Daniel

39

'We've got three radio shows today before we move across state for another three tomorrow.' Sasha told us over breakfast in the hotel restaurant the next morning. I'd managed to get everyone up and dressed without any drama, a rare occurrence. My three bandmates had gone out into the early hours and were looking worse for wear. I didn't miss the hangovers. I'd spent the night with Scarlett and Lily in my bed, me squished between them as I worked on my laptop on some new materiel. That was the only late night antics I'd been up to recently. But the truth was I had been up all night unable to sleep, thinking about Sasha, just down the hall, and how badly I wanted to talk to her without being interrupted.

Will had caught my eye when Sasha joined us. I'd assumed she'd said hello to the others too, but her arrival was as much a shock to them as it had been for me. He waited until she had excused herself to answer the phone to bombard me.

'Did you know? Have you spoken to her? What did she have to say about what happened?' But I'd had to shush him as Maddie's ears pricked up. The last thing I needed was Maddie knowing too.

'Dadadada.' I was interrupted by Scarlett singing and launching her toast across the room. It was Sasha that beat me to picking it up.

'There you go princess.' She handed it back and hung up the phone. 'Two more radios today guys.' Kyle moaned loudly and buried his head in his arms. Lily laughed and slapped him on the back.

'Silly uncle Kyle drinking too much juice.' She said, rolling her eyes. We all fell about laughing, even Kyle.

We got the nod from our tour manager that the cars were ready. When we first started out, we'd all been thrown in the same van. Now we needed a convoy to fit us all in. I strapped Lily and Scarlett in, Maddie sitting in the front with the driver, earphones in, still refusing to talk to me. Just as I was about to shut the door, Sasha dived in.

'Thought I'd ride with you guys and see how my girls are doing.' She said, sitting next to me. Lily spent the whole hour long ride telling Sasha everything she'd done over the last two weeks. I never failed to admire Sasha's unwavering enthusiasm for Lily's breathless stories. And all the while I could feel the warmth of her thigh against mine, making it hard for me to concentrate.

I was glad when we arrived at the first radio station so I could get out the car and pull myself together. I took Scarlett off to the toilet to change her nappy and asked her what I should do. As always, I had to go into the women's.

'I don't know what I'm doing here baby. I think she likes me but she's just trying to save my feelings. What do you think?' She pulled at my hair and blew a raspberry at me. 'I know you don't need a Mummy cos you've got me, but she'd make a good Mummy, wouldn't she? Do you like her? I like her a lot.' This was wrecking my head. I liked her a lot more than I let myself admit. And now she was here with us for the next two weeks and I didn't think I could cope. I was glad she was here, but it was doing nothing for my guilt but intensifying it.

'All changed and ready to go Scarlett?' Sasha said as we rode up in the lift, taking her from me and kissing her chubby cheek.

The whole of the radio interview I could see her through the glass, playing with the two younger girls. I was distracted and kept missing questions. Thankfully, Kyle was more alert than I. But one question did pull me back in with a jolt.

'So, you have been away for a couple of years, what was the reason for the hiatus? Have you all been busy doing side projects?' The American DJ asked.

'My wife died.' I said bluntly. Was it not the job of the interviewer to research their subject? How insensitive did he have to be? I'm sure all it took was a quick google of my name to bring up what had happened.

'Oh. I am sorry.' An awkward silence fell over the room. No one quiet knew what to say next. Again, Kyle came to the rescue.

'We're back on the road now and touring, recording, filming the video to our new single, which is out in a few weeks.'

I was glad when the day was over. I felt exhausted and pissed off. We headed back to the hotel for dinner and an early night. Sasha was busy on the phone when we loaded back into the cars and I was thankful when Will jumped in with us instead.

'You alright?' Concern etched on his face. I shrugged. I didn't want to get into it, not here with Maddie's listening ears. 'I think it was bang out of order what that guy asked.'

'Yeah I thought so too.'

'How about we have a drink later? Woody and Kyle can babysit.'

'I just want to go to bed.'

'Just a drink. I think you need one.' He wasn't wrong. And I know he wanted to make sure I was ok with the whole Sasha thing too. Lily and Scarlett both fell asleep in the car, so when we got 'home', Will and I put them straight to bed and Maddie stayed up with Kyle and Woody doing some school work and eating room service dinner. We went to the hotel bar and ordered food and beer. We'd sat in silence as we ate our burgers, and the second I'd put down my fork, Will spoke.

'So come on then, spill. What's happening with Sasha?' I groaned and buried my head in my arms. She'd gone straight to her room and told me she'd see me in the morning.

'Nothing. She apologized for freaking out and we agreed to forget it happened.'

'But you don't want to forget it?' He guessed.

'No, I don't.'

'What you gonna do?'

'I don't knooooooow. I can't do this. And now she's on the road with us and I just...'

'Just go and tell her you want to be more than friends and-'

'But I don't know if I want that either. Jesus. Hannah's only been gone a year.'

'Woah, hang on, you're holding back because of Hannah? Dan, you can't wait forever, you need to move on.'

'I don't want to move on.'

'Those girls need a Mum and you need someone too. Didn't Hannah tell you to go out and find someone?'

'I can't. I don't want to replace her.'

'You're not replacing her. But your life doesn't have to stop because she's gone.' I sighed and agreed. I finished my drink and immediately ordered another. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted Sasha. But I didn't want Sasha. And she didn't want me. Did she?