Raising Daniel

11

From what I could gather in between Janes crying, she had come in at 6am to start the school routine and Hannah was on the floor, blood everywhere and a huge cut across her head. I didn't even have to think about not getting on that plane. I told the guys and our tour manager and I was gone.

There was a sick feeling deep in my heart. I knew this was not going to end well. From the very first time she told me she had a headache, I'd known something wasn't right. Just what, I didn't want to admit to myself. All I knew was that I had to get there and be with her.

I found Jane in the family room at the hospital. She was beside herself, which only made me more terrified. She held me, telling me how sorry she was. Hannah was out of surgery, alive, but it didn't look good. I had tried so hard to hold myself together. But I couldn't. Was I about to lose her and the baby?

'Mr Smith.' A doctor had entered the room. 'Hannah is in recovery, we've placed her in a coma to reduce the swelling in her brain. When she arrived, she was showing signs of having a clot in her brain. It would seem that she had a fall, so we deduced that the impact had caused the clot. We had a CT scan which showed a small mass in the centre of the brain. When we operated we discovered a tumour. I have taken a biopsy. At this stage I think we can say that the tumour caused the fall.'

Tumour. That's all I heard.

'It will take a few days to get the results. It could be benign. It could have been there a long time. I have asked for a consultation with oncology and another neurosurgeon. There isn't much else I can tell you right now, except that I hope to start waking her in a few days. As for the pregnancy, initial tests show that the baby is fine.'

It was all too much. I couldn't process anything he had told me. I couldn't understand how, why, this was happening to us. What would the girls think? Where were they? Did they even know? I prayed that they hadn't seen her in the kitchen.

Jane answered my worries.

'They are with the neighbours, I'm going to get them now and take them to my home. They know Hannah had a fall but that's all. You take all the time you need and be in touch with any news. If you need me to bring anything in for you, Dan, just let me know.'

I thanked her and she left, leaving me with my thoughts. So much was going through my mind. What if she didn't wake up? What if they couldn't help her? I couldn't do this. I could not face losing her. And the baby. Everything had been in my reach and it was now being taken away. I must have sat in that room for hours just staring at the floor, my heart breaking into a million pieces. My Hannah. My beautiful, perfect Hannah. I should've acted sooner. I should have driven her to the hospital yesterday and they could've stopped this

'Mr Smith, if you'd like to come and see Hannah?'

I shook my head. I couldn't. I could not see her like this. She would be wired up and a breathing tube down her throat. I know it was selfish of me, she needed me, but I was not strong enough to cope with any of this. I needed to go and get the girls and make sure they were ok. I left the nurse with a phone number and quickly fled the hospital.

I composed myself, wiping my cheeks and shaking my hands to rid myself of the nerves. I would tell them that Mummy was poorly but she was going to be fine. I knocked on Janes door and she opened it, shocked.

'I need to be with them.' I told her. She didn't argue.

'Girls, Dans here for you.' I heard Lily before I saw her. She jumped into my arms. I held her tightly. Even Maddie gave me a hug, hanging on for a minute. She had been crying. She was old enough to know the gravity of the situation. 'I'll be here for you.' Jane reminded me as we left.

I took them home and sent them up to their rooms to play for a bit. So I could think properly about what I would tell them. And so I could clean the kitchen floor. It was as bad as I'd imagined. There was a pool of dark red blood and it had run along the cracks in the tiles, staining the grouting. Her favourite mug was smashed. I picked up the shards of porcelain and found myself slumped down on the floor, covering my face with my arms, sobbing so violently that I was almost sick. I was supposed to protect her.

I had told the girls that Mummy had hit her head and she was just staying in the hospital for a little while until she felt better. I promised to take them to see her as soon as I could. Maddie must have seen through it. She had watched her father become ill and his hospital stays become longer. That night after Lily was asleep, I knocked on Maddie's door and sat at the desk next to her bed. She had been listening to her iPod. I could see her eyes were red.

'Mums dying, isn't she?'

'No.' I swore. 'She hit her head and they had to operate. But she's going to be fine.'

'Why aren't you with her?'

'You guys need me.'

'We have Jane.'

'I know.' I sighed. There was no point in lying to her. I owed her that much. 'I'm scared. And I know I shouldn't be, I should be the grown up, but I love your Mum so much, I don't want to see her hurt.'

'What if she wakes up and you're not there? She's probably scared too.'

Just twelve years old and such a smart girl. She had said the magic words that made my brain kick into gear. I rang Jane and headed back to the hospital.

There had been no change in her condition, as they had warned me. Until she awoke, there was no telling how her brain was coping. What I didn't understand was why they didn't take away the tumour whilst the operated? I wasn't a brain surgeon though.

I took a deep breath before I entered her room in the intensive care unit. She didn't look as bad as I had feared. She looked peacefully asleep. There were a few wires in her arm and just a small tube in her mouth. A small square of bandage was above her right ear. I could see the shape of her bump through the linen. I held her warm hand and spoke to her all night long. I apologised for freaking out. I promised I'd never leave her side again.