Raising Daniel

8

We had been together ten months before she asked me to move in with her. I immediately said yes, but it felt odd moving into the house she had shared with her husband. Of course she wanted to stay there, it was her home, it was where her children had grown up, near Maddie's school and Lily's nursery. It would be impossible to move them into my one bed apartment. And that place was not fit for other humans to love in. But I did feel like I was encroaching on their lives. The photos of Mark still hung on the walls, the sofa she and Mark had picked still had pride of place in the living room, the colour scheme they had chosen was still throughout the house. His stamp was well and truly engrained, and I would never change that. I had to respect that Hannah had been in love with another man since she was nineteen years old, and I was simply a back up. I felt I would never replace him. I didn't want to replace him. It had been something I had struggled to come to terms with, especially with Maddie. She had been old enough to remember him. Lily had been just a baby and had nothing except the photos and the stories. I would never be their Father, but I hoped one day to be their Dad.

I had confessed my fears to Hannah and she had been so supportive and understanding. And then the old L word had finally cropped up.

'I love you.' She had whispered as we lay in each others arms on my first official night in the house. All my stuff had been moved in, still boxed in the spare room until we found space for it. My bachelor life was over. It had been hard to shut the door on that part of my life but it felt amazing to have this purpose now. I had found my family, and it was a ready made one.

'I love you too.' The relief was immense. I'd suspected that she loved me too. Maybe not as much as I loved her, but it had been she who asked me to move in.

'I can't put into words how happy you make me. I never thought I'd feel like this again. When Mark died, I thought my life was over. But when I met you, I it's like I've been given a second chance.'

She had told me all about him. He had been ten years older than her, she'd been drawn in by his maturity. I laughed inside, because she certainly couldn't have seen the same in me. I was six years her junior. We joked that I was her toyboy. She'd moved from York, where they'd both lived, to London when he received a promotion with the bank he worked for. That's how they'd bought the massive house. She then found herself pregnant at just twenty one and they'd married when Maddie was two.

Then he had fallen ill with leukaemia as she discovered she was pregnant with Lily. They had hoped to cure him, but just a year later he'd passed away. The pain was still obvious. She would never be over it.

'But now I have you.' She whispered and fell asleep.

I had my first Dad duty the very next morning. Hannah had an early start, she was in charge of a different music group now and they were embarking on an American tour, so she was being kept busy. I had offered to do the school and nursery run rather than paying for someone else to do it. It's not like either of us were poor, Hannah had received a large life insurance payout and lived for free in the house that had been paid for years ago. But I wanted to do my part, show my worth.

It didn't go well.

We all over slept and I had made the 'wrong' breakfast.

'Mum makes us toast, not cereal and Lily has dress up day today.' Maddie informed me. She had sat and watched me struggle Lily into her clothes. I had never dressed anyone but myself before. And children's arms do not bend the way adults do. She had screamed and cried the entire time. And that was before I'd attempted to brush her hair. We left the house late, hitting the London traffic. Maddie sat in the front seat next to me, headphones in her ears, music blaring. Lily sang along to radio in the back. This was stressful. We'd already had to turn back once because I forgot Lily's pack lunch. I then took a wrong turn and ended up in a one way system.

My hands free rang through the radio, cutting off the song and making Lily angry.

'Hows it going babe? Everyone dropped off?' Hannah asked.

'Erm not quite-'

'HI MUMMY.' Lily yelled. 'Dan forgot to take me to nursery.'

'I did not!' I spun round to her. It was hard to see the funny side right then. 'I didn't. Were just late.'

I could hear the humour in Hannah's voice. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I'd assured her we'd be fine. She made it look so much easier than it was.

'Don't worry too much. It's not the end of the world if they're late. Did Maddie help?'

I knew Maddie couldn't hear her Mum. But I wasn't about to grass her up. I needed to keep her on my side.

'Yeah, she's a treasure. Look, I'll call you back when we're all dropped off. Love you.'

'Love you.' She laughed.

We only arrived half an hour late. Maddie got out the car at the school gates without a goodbye and I wrestled Lily back out of the car seat and through the door to nursery. I then got back in the car and sat with the engine running for ten minutes, trying to compose myself.

Being a Dad was not easy.