Raising Daniel

35

I sat nervously at a table near the bar in a quiet pub the following Friday afternoon. Ever since Will had wound me up about this being a date I couldn't help but panic. It wasn't a date but what if she thought it was? All I wanted was someone to talk to Hannah about. No one knew her as well as Sasha, except for me. I'd spent all morning figuring out what to wear. A shirt? Too formal. A tshirt? Too scruffy. But they were the only things I owned. Both! With jeans and a clean pair of Converse. I hoped she didn't get the wrong impression.

I'd been looking forward to this. Apart from when I was with the guys, and even then I had Scarlett, I hadn't really had any 'me time' for over two years. I had arrived an hour early so I could have a nice cold pint of beer. It tasted amazing. I'd even managed to read the daily paper without it being torn out of my hands and eaten.

'Hello!' Sasha walsed in, swooping down on me with a kiss on the cheek.

'Hey! How are you?'

'I'm great! What would you like to drink?' She pointed to my empty glass and got her purse out of her bag.

'No no, let me get these-'

'Sit down.' She ordered. I didn't argue.

'Erm,' I laughed nervously. 'Pint of pale ale? Please?'

I watched her at the bar. She oozed confidence. I'd never met anyone like her. She was like a massive gust of fresh air. How she and Hannah had been friends I could only assume was because opposites attracted. To begin with, the conversation was stiff. I'd barely spoken to her before today. She asked how I was coping, to which I'd replied 'barely'.

'I don't know how you do it, if I'm honest. I couldn't do it. I love those girls, but I would've run a mile of she'd asked me to take them on.'

'They're all I have left.'

'I still can't believe she's gone. I still have her number in my phone and I've nearly rung her a few times, by accident. I just forget sometimes.' I wished I could forget. I found myself spinning my wedding band around my finger.

'I know.' I sighed. It felt good to get it out. I'd expected to be upset, but it had made me happy. Sure, me, Lily and Maddie spoke about her a lot, but not like this. Sasha knew her longer than I had and had some amazing tales to tell. We spent half the night swapping stories.

'She was a lousy drunk and even worse with a hangover. The night you guys met was probably the first time we'd gone out and I hadn't had to put her in a taxi. And then I'd have to listen to her moan the whole of the next day.' Sasha laughed.

'She could cook any meal in the world without even breaking a sweat. I can still barely do beans without burning them.' I told her.

Sasha was so easy to talk to. Maybe it was because we had this one common bond. Or maybe she was just an awesome person. She was single, no kids, working to pay herself through college so she could become a midwife. She seemed so carefree and so switched on. I wished I'd done this sooner.

'Is it you that's sending the birthday cards?' I suddenly remembered. She looked confused. 'We keep getting things through the post from Hannah, I thought she would've asked you to send them on her behalf.'

'Not me I'm afraid.' I still wondered who it could be. Not that it mattered at all.

My 'drink' with Sasha turned into a fantastic night out. We went to a few bars, getting drunker and drunker at each one. It had somehow managed to numb the pain for a little while. I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, the freedom or Sasha. She had this laugh, this deep, dirty laugh, and each time I heard it, it sent me into stitches. She had found a karaoke bar and forced me on stage.

'Ive heard that voice, you get up there and win!' I felt mortified when the first few bars of my own song started to play. She was there, at the front of the packed out pub, egging me on to sing, laughing. I started to sing, the entire place started to cheer and clap. Did they know who I was? I hoped we didn't get into trouble!

I had to get home. I'd promised Jane I'd be home by ten and it was already midnight. But I'd been having such a good time that I hadn't realized how late it had got. Tomorrow morning would not be fun with a hangover. Lily had dance and Maddie was having some friends over. And Scarlett would be making up for the time I'd spent away from her, I was sure.

'Sasha, thank you so much for tonight. I feel so much better.' I told her while squeezing her into a hug.

'I'm glad! I want to come and see those girls soon, ok? I haven't had a cuddle of that baby yet.'

'Absolutely! How about Sunday? You can come over for dinner!'

'Its a date.' She laughed as I helped her into the taxi and shut the door. I waved her goodbye, watching as the taxi disappeared down the road. Even though I was pretty drunk I was very aware of the words she'd used. It's a date? Is it? What was going on here? I'd had an amazing time, letting my hair down, not worrying about the girls or work. But I wasn't intending on this going down that route.

So why couldn't I stop thinking about her all the way home? That insane laugh. The way she made me feel. This wasn't supposed to happen. I promised myself I would never fall for someone ever again. I would not put myself through it. My heart was still shattered from losing Hannah and I would never be able to piece it back together again. And I didn't want to betray her. I felt guilty for even going out with Sasha for a few drinks and enjoying myself. The feeling washed over me, making me feel sick and upset. What would Hannah think?