Raising Daniel

37

Scarlett's first birthday came flying round. Every single day I went into her room, she seemed to have grown overnight. She would stand up, holding the bars of her cot, waiting for me. And that smile melted my heart. She truly was my little amazing princess. And Lily had turned into this clever, cheeky little young girl. She was flying through school, making tones of friends, totally excelling at everything. I was sure I had a future genius on my hands. And then there was Maddie, who had blossomed into a fantastic young woman. She was so bright and so in love with the world around her. A year ago I hadn't imagined us standing this tall and strong, especially not as a family. But here we were.

We didn't get to Hannah's grave often because we all seemed to find it upsetting for days afterwards, like we were disturbing the dust that filled the empty space in our hearts where she'd once been. But I'd promised her I'd make more of an effort to bring the girls up more often. I needed to make sure they never forgot her.

Life just plodded along now. Some weeks we were away in other countries, I was performing to thousands of people. Other weeks we were home and I had shopping and parents evening and play dates.

Sasha was coming round a couple of times a week to see the girls and help out a bit. I greatly appreciated it. Just having her there was such a massive weight off my shoulders. Not only with the girls having a female around, but for me to have someone to bounce off when I'd had a bad day or even just picking up the phone to share the excitement of Scarlett taking her first steps and other milestones.

'She just took off!' I was almost in tears with happiness. How did this tiny baby suddenly get so clever and grown up? And she'd been so proud of herself too.

'Did you get a video?'

'No she was too quick!'

'Right well I'm coming over later to see for myself then. I'll pick up dinner if you want?'

'And some milk, cos I've run out.'

'No problem. I'll see you in a bit.'

I looked forward to her coming over. She didn't even knock anymore, she would just let herself in. Despite what had brought her into my life, I was so glad I had her, even just as a friend. I had been teased by my bandmates about how much time we spent together but I told them straight that it was friendship and nothing else. Even though I did find myself staring at her. A lot. I was thinking thoughts I shouldn't be thinking. Thoughts that no recently widowed single father should be thinking.

As soon as I realized what I was thinking, I would berate myself. I felt guilty and confused. Hannah had only been gone a year, I wasn't allowed to look at another woman. I didn't want to look at another woman. Even one as beautiful as her.

'Earth to Dan.' She waved her hand in front of my face. I must've gone into my own world as I got lost in her eyes.

'Shit. Sorry.' I mumbled. She giggled and cracked open a bottle of white wine. It was only ever when she was round, the girls all tucked up in bed, that I could relax. It was always the same routine, wine, a crap film, nice conversation into the early hours and she would grab a taxi home. But that night was different. She got up from the sofa where we'd been lounging with her legs over mine, stretching. I had so far resisted the urge to make any sort of move on her. After all, I wasn't even sure she was that interested in me. But it must've been the wine that made me take her hand and pull her back down so she was sat almost on my knee. She laughed nervously. But crucially, she didn't recoil.

'I just wanted to tell you that I'm very glad I have you in my life, I mean our lives, the girls too, I just...yeah...erm...' I stumbled over what I was trying to say. I was very glad it was dark so she couldn't see me blushing.

'Me too.' She said quietly. It was then that she leant in, our foreheads touching. 'You're an amazing person Dan and I'm glad I have you too.' I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I hadn't felt this scared in a long time. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was just so overcome with an emotion that for once, wasn't total pain. I felt...excited. Happy. Hopeful. I put my hand up to her face, my thumb caressing her cheek. In turn, she placed her hand on the back of my head. This was it. The moment of truth. Our lips connected, timidly at first, but within a second I felt the confidence pulse through me. It was the first time in a year I'd felt any adult interaction and it felt fantastic. Everything seemed to fade away. Here was no thought in my mind other than Sasha.

She pulled away after a few minutes of heavy kissing, having wrapped her legs around my waist and running her hands all over my back. Though it was dark, I could feel her smiling.

'Is this what you want?' She whispered. I nodded enthusiastically. 'We don't have to...'

'I want to.' I told her. I wanted this. I needed this. Without another word, she took my hand and led me up stairs. Now I had time to panic. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted this, especially her, this beautiful soul that had found her way into my dark life and brightened it up. But i was out of practice and terribly nervous.

That night had bee everything I'd needed. At the time, I felt truly happy, like maybe my life wasn't always going to be full of grief and struggle. But when I awoke the next morning to find the other side of the bed empty, it all came crashing down and all I could think was how I had betrayed Hannah and ruined my relationship with Sasha in one fell swoop.