Raising Daniel

12

I spent three days by her side, waiting, hoping for her to wake up. There was so much running through my mind. What if they couldn't bring her round? What if they'd damaged her brain during the operation? And she woke up a different person? What if this tumor growing inside her couldn't be treated? We had been together just fourteen months, it wasn't enough time for us to be together before facing something like this. And that little baby of ours growing inside her, what would happen to it? Was I going to lose both of them?

The doctors had taken her for another scan. It showed a huge improvement in swelling and activity. They were hopeful that she'd suffered no damage to her brain and would start to bring her out of the induced coma that day. It was just a case of waiting for the results of the biopsy. And I felt terrified. I wanted her to stay asleep so she didn't have to worry about what was to come. But, in typical Hannah style, she awoke almost straight away, much to my relief.

'The girls?' Was the first thing she asked.

'Fine. They are fine. With Jane. And you're gonna be fine. Everything's ok.' I told her. She gave me a small, tired smile. I felt so happy to look into her brown eyes, cherishing them. I'd felt so scared when I'd found out she had been rushed to hospital. I didn't think I'd ever get to see those eyes again.

'The baby?'

'Fine. It's fine.' I assured her. A tear rolled down her cheek.

'I'm so sorry....' She began. I stifled a laugh. Only she could apologise for something she had no control over. I shushed her and kissed her forehead.

'We're gonna get you home and forget all about this.'

'Whats happening?' She asked. I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want her to be worried. But my attempts to throw her off and change the subject only seemed to upset her. 'Dan? Tell me.'

'They found something in your brain.'

'Cancer.' She said the word that I hadn't dared to think.

'No. They haven't said that.'

'But they think it is, don't they?' I shook my head.

'They're doing tests.' I told her the truth. I looked at her face for a reaction, but I could see none. It was like I'd told her she had the flu. 'You'll be fine.' I promised. She grinned at me.

Within hours she had managed to sit up and was asking me to bring the girls in. She was desperate to see them. So I did as I was told, reluctantly leaving her so I could meet Jane in the lobby. The girls were so excited. Maddie gave me a smile and I returned a wink. We walked into the room, Lily's hand in mind, which was immediately dropped when she saw her Mummy. I had to keep telling her to stop climbing on the bed. What a change in such a short amount of time. We had gone from the brink of the end to another happy family scene.

But it didn't last.

I had helped pack her bags and we were getting ready to leave the hospital after two long weeks. The entire time, this dark cloud had hung over us. Hannah hadn't once mentioned it again, but it was all I could think of. We'd been told the results were in and the doctor was coming up to talk to us. She still made no indication of being nervous or worried. Right up to the very moment Doctor Edmonds, a young, handsome, kind faced man, told us the results as we sat on her bed, side by side.

'I'm afraid I've got some bad news.' It was that very moment that our lives fell apart. The doctor didn't need to continue. The rest of the details didn't matter. I was too shocked and terrified to cry or even make a sound.

'Cancer.' She whispered. The doctor nodded slowly. I turned to her, squeezing her hand. My heart broke.

'The scans and biopsy we took show a five centimetre tumour inside your brain. It's contained, it hasn't spread, but it is at a very advanced stage.'

She didn't say a word. But I had a million questions running through my head.

'So you can remove it?' I asked. I could hear the panic in my own voice. I had to calm down. I could not break down in front of her. This was the one time I needed to be strong.

'It is in between the two hemispheres. We cannot remove it without damaging very important areas around it. There's risk of paralysis, loss of vision, speech, even death.'

'But we can do chemotherapy and radiation? That will shrink it.' I was begging.

'We will begin treatment as soon as possible.'

'What about the baby?' I dared to ask. My limited knowledge on cancer treatment was enough to know that pregnancy and chemotherapy didn't go well together.

'I would advise that you consider termination so we can fight this aggressively.' Those words were almost as hard to hear as the diagnosis was. I had done well to hold in my tears until that moment. Now I found myself wiping away tears that I hadn't known had escaped from my eyes.

'But if we don't...if we don't terminate?'

'Then we could only offer a short course of radiotherapy and a lose dose of chemotherapy to limit its growth, but not enough to destroy the tumor. There would be life limiting damage to the fetus with higher doses.'

'How long?' She finally spoke. She seemed calm. I couldn't read her face. She wouldn't look at me. 'If we don't terminate, how long would I have?'

'Without treatment, a year, eighteen months.'

'What are the chances of beating this? With and without treatment?' I asked.

'With, 50%. Without, 0%. I know that's not what you want to hear. And I wish I could give a better prognosis. I understand how difficult this must be and I know it's a lot of information to take in.'

'Hannah.' I stroked her hand, urging her to look at me. For me it felt like we only had once choice. The thought alone devastated me. It was between Hannah and the baby. And Hannah won. 'You need to have the aggressive treatment...you need to try...'

'No.' She whispered, finally turning to meet my eyes. Though she wasn't crying, all the color had drained from her skin. Her eyes looked empty. She shook her head at me.

'But if you don't...' I couldn't finish the sentence.

'I can't kill our baby.'

'But you'll...'

'I'm probably going to die anyway. I can't die with that on my conscience.' Her absolute lack of hope shocked me. Only minutes from first being diagnosed and if seemed that she'd already given up.

'People get better from this all the time. They say it's...terminal....and then they live forever. You can fight this. You can fight anything. Then we can have another baby...' I told her.

'No.' She continued to shake her head.

'But the girls. You could have years with them. Give yourself a chance.'

'I do suggest you think about this for a few days.' Doctor Edmonds told her, pity written on his face.

'I don't need to think about it.'

'Hannah-'

'Well, thank you for telling me, doctor.' She got up, took her bag and left the room. I shook his hand quickly before chasing after her. She was half way down the corridor. I called out her name but she kept on walking. I took her hand once again as we walked. I was falling apart. Yet she seemed so....ok.

'Hannah....I...please. Say something.'

'We need to get home before the kids finish school, the traffic is going to be bad, we'll be late.'

I didn't understand. It was like she hadn't even heard what the doctor had told her. I had never seen her like this. She was going to die. And she didn't seem to care. My entire world had been shattered, yet she was concerned about getting home? I found myself becoming angry, not just at her lack of emotion, at everything.

Why her? What had she done to deserve this? She had never hurt a soul. She had watched her own husband die of cancer, raised those girls alone, and now this? If I could take this away from her, I would, in a heartbeat. I was going to move heaven and earth to get her all the help I could. There was no way I would let this happen.