Raising Daniel

33

Scarlett had blossomed from this tiny little screaming baby into a happy, cheeky little girl. She gave us her first smile at a month old, could sit up and watch us all by two months and by three months we all knew how to make her giggle. She no longer felt like, and I hated to say it, but a burden. Those first twelve weeks after Hannah had gone and Scarlett was born were the worst in my life. If she had been born in different circumstances I'm sure she still would have been a handful. She didn't sleep. She was constantly starving for food and attention. But now she was a contented child. She loved nothing more than to lay on the floor and watch Lily playing or to sit on Maddie's knee as she did her homework. It gave me some much needed peace for a few minutes a day.

Even the older girls had relaxed into our new routine. Lily had begun big girl school. I cried as she ran off into the classroom. I'd barely slept the night before because I was so nervous for her. What if she couldn't make friends? What if she got upset and the teachers couldn't calm her down? What if she fell over? But off she had gone without so much as a 'bye Daddy!'. Maddie had begun her second year in high school and had made some really nice friends who I loved having over for dinner. I was glad she had people to talk to besides me. I was also very glad she had found a real passion for music. I bought a grand piano and taught her and Lily how to play.

This calm washing over the house coincided with a small let up in the pain I felt constantly. It was still there. Still raw and fresh, but it had eased. I missed her every second of every day. I missed her laugh. And her smile. Everything. I had found myself not crying as much, maybe only once a day. I could now function and do most tasks without breaking down. If one thing was for sure, it was that I would never fall in love again. I could not put myself through it. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to replace Hannah and I would never find someone like her. I was fine with being on my own. It's not like I didn't have enough to deal with already.

I had gotten rid of our bed and bought a new one. I couldn't bare to even look at it anymore. So now at night I could put the girls to bed, go into my own room and relax. And now Scarlett was sleeping twelve hours a night I felt like a new man. It was just me and her during the days, which was nice. I now had time to focus on her one hundred percent. I knew exactly which toys she liked to play with, exactly what words she liked to hear, the faces that made her laugh. She loved it when I sang to her and would bop about to music.

'Do you like Daddy singing?' I spoke baby to her. 'Is it funny? Hey? Scarly-baby loves Daddy singing to her, don't you?' I blew raspberries on her belly and she tried to bat me away with her tiny hands. I could just eat her up, she was so delicious. Five years ago, even two months ago, I could never have dreamed of me being like this. She was my world.

'Alright there Dan?' A voice laughed from behind me. I had forgotten that Kyle was coming round. He must've let himself in because I hadn't heard the door bell ring.

'Sorry. I didn't realize the time.' I got up from the floor and greeted him with a hug.

'Hows my favorite niece then?' He bounded right over to Scarlett and picked her up. She loved Kyle. It must've been the facial hair.

He would come to mine, or I to his, once a week so I had some adult company. I enjoyed my time with Scarlett, Lily and Maddie so much, but sometimes it was nice to talk about things other than Barbies for a few hours. And it was good for Scarlett to see someone else's face rather than mine. I had gone to a few baby groups but found them horribly patronizing. Maybe it was me? The moment I mentioned I was bringing up the girls on my own, people changed how they acted towards me. It had been even worse at the school. The mums seemed to flock to me. They must've known about Hannah's death and saw me as some vulnerable, lost dad in need of help. Every night at pick up at least one would offer to cook me dinner. But then I realized it was because they fancied me. I was the hot single dad. They all whispered and blushed as I walked by them. I had never been one to like the attention, but it certainly made me laugh.

'So, what do you think about coming back to the band?' Kyle said suddenly. I don't know why he'd said it. It had been on my mind. I would love to start it all up again. But how could I possibly go back to living on the road when I had three girls to look after?

'I don't think it's gonna happen man.' He looked crestfallen. Without me the band couldn't really function. Of course I had left because of Hannah's illness so no one had ever questioned me. And I did feel bad for my three friends, that their world had also stopped when mine had.

'If it's because of this little monkey, then I would love to bring her along with us.'

'Its not really a place for a baby is it? Being cooped up in studios and tour buses. What about schools?'

'Hire a teacher. Come on Dan. It'll be good for you.'

'I'd love to, honestly, but I'm a dad now, I have to put these guys first.'

'I get it. No worries man. If you change your mind, you know we'll all jump at the chance.'

It certainly gave me something to think about. I loved being in the band. I loved writing, making music, singing, traveling the world. But was it something I could really do now I was a father?