Raising Daniel

16

I was with her as they hung the brown bag of chemotherapy, inserting the needle into the back of her hand. One thing that had struck me most about the oncology ward was that no one seemed upset. There were people sitting, watching television, reading magazines, just like they were among friends, happily chatting away. Even the nurses walked around with smiles on their faces. I couldn't quiet understand it. Surely this ward, so full of death and desperation, was the one place you'd expect people to be breaking down. I was glad that now I could see Hannah's reaction wasn't as odd as I'd first thought. Her lack of emotion during that first week was down to the stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I wasn't sure which stage we would hit next.

I smiled at her after the nurse had gone, leaving us for four hours while the contents of the brown bag filtered down the line and into her body. We had been warned of the side effects. Sickness, diarrhea, tiredness, loss of appetite, hair loss. I'd half expected these things to happen immediately as we sat there.

'How do you feel?' I asked. She shrugged.

'Fine. I don't feel anything.'

But it was three days later that the sickness kicked in. She likened it to the morning sickness she'd had a few weeks ago. I did as much as I could for her, fetching her water and biscuits, running to the shops for fizzy cola and ice cream. I offered to take over the jobs she did for the girls, cooking dinner, bathing Lily, helping Maddie with homework, doing the school runs and shopping. But she wouldn't let me. I understood why and I didn't argue. I just tried to support her as best I could.

One thing I was sure about was that I wanted to marry her. It wouldn't be the extravagant, happy day that we'd both envisioned. Getting married is supposed to signify the start of the rest of your lives as one. Not begin the countdown to saying goodbye. I couldn't even propose to her the way I had wanted to, a big gesture in front of everyone, with me getting down on one knee with a big beautiful ring. She didn't want to go out for a meal or on a date. I could hardly even get her to leave the house unless it was to the hospital or the school run.

I'd been watching her brushing Maddie's hair. One of the rare occasions where Maddie had come out of her room. She sat on the floor between Hannah's knees, then Lily in her sisters lap, the three of them as the little unit they were. It was a perfect, happy, normal moment. I was so overcome with love for all of them. And how well they were coping.

It wasn't something that had been spoken about properly, though Hannah had asked me. I wanted to be there for the girls. They had lost their father and soon Hannah would be gone too. They had no one. I had only known them over a year but I felt like their Dad. Lily had started asking questions when she got home from nursery. She had been wondering why the other boys and girls have a Daddy and she didn't. I had stammered a response about some people have Daddies and some don't.

'Are you going to be my Daddy?' I'd wished Hannah was with me when she'd asked, but she had run to the toilet to be sick. I simply didn't know what to say. I pointed out how beautiful the picture she was drawing was and hoped she forgot.

As I looked at my girls, I could feel my heart swelling with pride. I was very lucky. It didn't feel like it sometimes, but I was blessed. Meeting Hannah had been the best thing to ever happen to me and I also got the extra prize of helping raise two human beings. I got to help teach Maddie and Lily about the world, times tables, how to tie a shoe lace, all the things my parents had taught me.

I had my hand in my pocket, playing with the box that contained the ring I had bought. I hadn't the first idea of what to look for in an engagement ring. All I did was choose one I thought she'd like. It had been in my trouser pocket for five days. I'd been waiting for the right moment.

'Hannah.' I called over to her. She was concentrating and didn't hear me. 'Han.' I said, a little louder. She nodded but didn't look, too busy plaiting Maddie's long hair. I smiled to myself. This was the moment. 'Will you marry me?' I saw the words register on her face. She stopped what she was doing but didn't look over. Maddie's mouth dropped wide open and stared at me. It was hard to tell if Hannah was happy or sad.

'Can I be a bridesmaid?' Lily asked.

'Mum?' Maddie pushed Hannah for an answer, a wry smile on her lips. That was all I needed as Maddie's approval.

'Dan....I....'

'Yes?' I suggested.

'Yes.' Her face cracked into a grin and she began to cry with laughter. 'Yes!' I dived onto the sofa with her, bundling her up, planting hundreds of wet kisses all over her. Though the house had continued on much as it ever was, happy and noisy, we had all felt the impending end. But in that moment as we all laughed and Lily cheered, even Maddie joined in, there was no worry or sadness.

'I know it's not very romantic of me, doing it like this, but-' I pulled the ring out of my pocket. It wasn't expensive. It didn't have a massive diamond. But it meant more to me than just a piece of metal. She put her hands over her mouth, trying to conceal what seemed to be genuine shock.

'Its perfect.' She was smiling ear to ear. I hadn't seen that proper smile for a while. I was taken aback by just how beautiful and amazing she was.