Raising Daniel

26

I sorted out breakfast, Lily and Maddie sat at the bar in the kitchen and Scarlett back in the car seat now resting on the counter. Asides from the toilet, I had stayed locked away in the living room for the last few days. And now i was faced with seeing Hannah's yoghurts in the fridge, her biscuits in the cupboard. It made my heart stop beating for a moment. I was boiling the kettle for Scarlett's bottle as she screamed. Her face had turned bright red. I didn't think something so small could be so loud. I began to pour some cereal into bowls when Maddie tutted at me.

'Toast, Dan.'

'This morning were having cereal.' I told her. I didn't have time to do toast. And I was too tired to argue. The noise in the kitchen was unbearable. Between Scarlett's screams, Lily's noisy spoon/bowl tapping, Maddie's headphones blaring and the kettle boiling over, it was enough to drive anyone insane. I bit my tongue. I had to keep calm. I had to pretend that every inch of me wasn't about to explode.

I read the back of the formula milk tin, which I had found in the nursery, and poured out enough water and added enough scoops for her weight and age range. But I was stumped when it came to cooling it down. Surely that would take hours? I literally didn't know what to do. She was clearly starving. I looked around. The fridge? That would cool it down quicker. But still not enough. Freezer? Run it under the tap? Would that work? It was worth a try.

'Ok, ok, sweetie.' I cooed at her, rocking the car seat with one hand and holding the bottle under the cold tap with the other. After an agonising five minutes of screaming and Lily dropping her cereal on the floor, I tested the milk on my arm like I had seen in the movies. It felt...ok? It wasn't boiling at least. I put the bottle up to her mouth, but she wouldn't do anything with it. Still she screamed. 'Come on...I thought you were hungry? Is it something else? What else could it be?' I asked her, half expecting a reply. But instead she continued to scream.

The moment of having to pick her up had come. I had held her before but now it felt different. Now, I was the only person in the world who could protect her and I was scared I would drop her on her head. I'd promised Hannah I would protect her, and she'd died. What if I couldn't protect my three girls?

I put my hand under her and lifted her out. She was so small, her body just about fit in my palm. She instantly calmed enough for me to get her to take from the bottle. I laughed with success and smiled at Lily and Maddie.

'I did it.' I told them. They each smiled back at me, but were probably more glad that the noise had stopped. I paced around the kitchen, swaying her, humming to her. Her massive brown eyes stared up at me, filled with such wonder and hope. It was all going rather well until she was sick, all over me, and the crying started again. Maddie tried to hold back a laugh and failed, bursting into the giggles. 'Erm.' I said outloud. Where did I start cleaning this up?

I needed help. I needed to ring someone. Anyone. I rang my mum, she didn't answer. I rang Hannah's parents, they had returned home. I didn't want to bother my friends and I wasn't sure they could help, but Will, Kyle and Woody were all busy. Had this been part of Janes plan? To tell everyone not to help me? I was in this alone.

I made up another bottle and fed her again, after changing her nappy and clothes, which was a lot harder than I thought, this time sitting still and not rocking her about. I sent the girls to get themselves dressed and then hoped to get a shower myself. But where would I put Scarlett whilst I sorted myself out? I couldn't let Maddie look after her, it wasn't her job, and I didn't want to take my eyes off her for a moment. What if she was sick and choked? What if Maddie looked away and she rolled off something? I had no choice but to bring her into the bathroom and lay her on a towel. She dropped off to sleep.

The water felt amazing. I must've stood in there for an hour. I had time to think now. I thought about Hannah. Now I had Scarlett home, I felt bad that Hannah was in the hospital, down in the cold morgue, alone. I needed to think about the funeral. Another thing we hadn't discussed. I knew she wanted burying but that was as far as we'd got. I didn't want it to be a sad occasion. I wanted to celebrate her life. She would've wanted it to be fun and happy, like herself. Who did I even ring to arrange all of that? And when would I find time? I had so much to deal with already.

The time had come to enter our bedroom. Scarlett nestled up on my shoulder against my bare chest, I went in. It was, of course, how I'd left it. The whole room smelt of her. I put down the sleeping baby onto our bed, where she looked even smaller. I quickly grabbed some fresh clothes, got dressed and got out of there before I felt like I was suffocating.

'Daddy, could we go to the park today?' Lily asked. She was playing Barbies in her room, happily. We certainly could do with getting out of the house for a little while. And I had that shopping to pick up.

'Yeah we can. Should we take a picnic?'

'Yeah! With jam sandwiches and ice cream.'

'Alright then.' I laughed. The sound felt odd coming from my mouth. 'Should we invite Maddie?'

'Yeah I think so. Maddie's still sad about Mummy I think.' I remembered what Jane had said the night before.

'I'm still sad about Mummy too. And that's ok. I miss her very much.'

'Me too.' Lily smiled sadly. I squeezed her shoulder and reassured her.

'If you ever want to talk to me about Mummy, you can, ok? I'm sure she misses us too. But you know what?'

'What?'

'I bet she's watching us right now.' Lily looked around. I felt bad for misleading her, but I hoped it would bring her comfort. I wasn't entirely sure I believed in heaven right then. 'She can see us, but we can't see her.'

'So she can see me when I'm naughty?'

'Yeah, so we better be extra good, hey?'

'I guess.' She sighed, sadly.