Raising Daniel

23

I had got up super early, having barely gotten to sleep. I had this feeling, deep in my chest, that I couldn't shift. I had put it down to sheer tiredness mixed with excitement. I had gone into Scarletts room to check everything was ready. Nappies. Clothes. Toys. Cot all set up. I hadn't stepped foot in there since Hannah was diagnosed. I hadn't dared to imagine ever being able to put my baby to bed in this massive wooden cot. And she would be so small in it. I needed to go get a smaller one. Even my bed felt a lot bigger without Hannah sleeping next to me. It was the first time in nearly a year that we hadn't slept together. I felt lost. But I reminded myself it was only for a week.

Jane had done a great job in cleaning up all the blood from the bathroom, carpets and our bed. It certainly wasn't in her job description and I was very grateful.

I got the girls up and ready for school, despite their protests. They wanted to come to the hospital to see the baby again.

'I will pick you up and bring you after. Deal? You guys need to be in school. You've got tests coming up soon.' Jane had arrived to finish the morning rush and I jumped into a taxi. I stopped at a shop to buy flowers and chocolates for Hannah and a little pink teddy and balloon for Scarlett. I was shaking with joy as I walked the corridors. The ward was quiet, no new mothers awake yet.

I walked into our room and saw her sitting in the chair next to the bed, baby nestled into her chest fast asleep. It only took me a second to notice something was very wrong.

'Han.' I shook her shoulder gently. Her skin was cold against my hand. 'Hannah wake up.' I said louder. There was no response. I took the baby in my arms and shouted for help. Midwives came running in. Two, three, and then more came still after a loud alarm rang. I was crying, shouting out for Hannah, waking the baby and making her scream. There was panic for a minute. And then silence.

A young midwife, no older than myself, put her hands on my shoulders, looking me straight in the eye. She shook her head.

'Mr Smith...Hannah's gone.'

The words echoed around my empty head.

Gone.

No.

'But...she was fine....she was going to get better...she was getting better....how...' Another midwife attempted to take Scarlett from my arms. I couldn't bear to let go of her, but I was afraid I would hurt her with my grief. She was taken down the hall. The crowd parted and I could see her still sat in the chair. She was just sleeping. They just hadn't tried hard enough to wake her. 'Hannah!' I screamed.

'Dan, I am so sorry.' The midwife said. The words hadn't yet sunk in. But a feeling ripped through me like nothing I had ever experienced. I felt like I'd been hit by a train. How could this have happened? We still had another three months. She was supposed to be coming home so we could be a family for a little while. We had only been married three days. Our little girl was barely a day old. The girls. How could I tell the girls that their Mum had died? I never even got to say goodbye.

She had passed away sometime between breakfast and my arrival, holding our daughter safely in her arms. Maybe if I'd come in earlier, or refused to leave last night. Maybe I could have saved her? I picked Hannah up from the chair and collapsed onto the floor with her.

'Hannah, no...Hannah please wake up. You're going to be fine. We're going home and we'll be a family...don't leave me. Please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready. I can't do this without you.'

Every inch of me was in pain. I had known it would hurt. But nothing like this. I didn't know how I could go on. I couldn't live without her. I ran my hands through her hair, I kissed her soft skin, linking our hands together. I sat with her for hours. I told her I would make her better. I told her that she had a CT scan coming up and it would prove that she was getting better. I told her she wasn't allowed to die yet because we had so many things we had to do together.

'Daniel?' A voice came from the doorway. Doctor Edmonds knelt down beside me, rubbing my arm. 'I'm so sorry. I had a feeling this would happen.'

'So why didn't you stop it?!' I yelled.

'When you rang me yesterday to say you thought Hannah seemed better, I was wary. Sometimes, some patients seem to be turning a corner and then they suddenly die. It's the body's way of shutting down. She would've known this was coming.'

'She was so happy...I thought she would make it...'

'You always knew she was going to die.'

'But not like this...'

'I know, son. I know. You need to let us take her away now.'

'I can't leave her.'

'You need to. We're going to move her downstairs, you can come and see her whenever you want, ok?'

'No. No. No.' I protested. But Dr Edmonds prised me away from her, calling two nurses to lay her down gently on the floor. He led me out of the room, but I still reached out for her. I didn't want to leave her there, on her own. I needed to be with her.

'Where are Hannah's other daughters? I could have a nurse tell them-'

'At school. Oh God...I'm supposed to pick them up and bring them here....what time is it?'

'Three.'

'Oh God...how do I tell them? We hadn't planned this part...'

'Is there any other family members who could pick them up?'

'Just the nanny...I need to do this. I need to get them.'

I left the hospital in a daze. I could hardly feel my feet carrying me. All I could feel was the pain in my chest. I got into a taxi and told him where to go. I stared out the window, looking at all the people carrying on with their day, like nothing was wrong. Like the world hadn't ended. When he pulled up outside the school, Maddie was stood with Lily. Hand in hand. They looked so excited. I got out and walked over to them. Maddie knew something was wrong. My face was still wet with tears.

'Dan?' She asked, concerned.

'We need to go home.' I told her. I sat Lily in the taxi, the whole time Maddie was staring at me for an explanation.

'Whats going on?' She urged. I couldn't tell them here. Not in the back of a smelly taxi. Lily handed me a photo she had drawn of Hannah and the baby, me and Maddie too. I kissed her head and told her it was a beautiful picture. I wished I could keep them here, like this, unknowing. I didn't want to tell them that their world was about to change. Forever.